proud daddy...

this is ian's lion king moment...the one i wrote about here earlier in the fall.

thank you God for henry.

two years: pain AND redeeming love...

today, two years ago...we walked through hospital doors to be forever changed...

we learned of our daughter's passing today two years ago...i labored all day and into the night and finally delivered her on the 30th of November. we call that her birthday..the day we met her and held her in our arms. the day we came face to face with her. sang to her, prayed over her. cried over her and praised God for her. to be her parents.

two years does not take away the sting, it does not fill the gap nor has time allowed any filling of the void, no matter what "they" tell you about time healing wounds, it does not...not even with sweet little henry in our arms. he is not her. he does not replace her. while we are OVERLY grateful and overwhelmed with the blessing of henry, we still see our family picture as incomplete. it will always look that way to us, until heaven. a family of five, not four.

while we miss our little girl, what we saw and knew of her this day two years ago, we ache for what could have been. we still see little girls with long brown ponytails at the park or a little tomboy girl running with liam at school and wonder. we wonder, we always wonder. we always think, what if?

but the soothing balm to our hearts that always seems to take away the sting a bit is knowing for sure that we don't have to wonder where she is, who she is with and who cares for her now. we don't have to wonder if we will ever see her again or have our family restored one day....because we will.

i know i have been very vocal about my faith. i know it has probably sounded cliche at times and rubbed some the wrong way. some may not understand still the role Jesus Christ has played in our sydney journey.....but i tell you today....with my heart full of heaviness and ache and pain and grief still...that because a Man gave his life for me, for all of us, i get to see my daughter again. because of God's redeeming plan and his restorative heart in the act of sacrifice, my pain and grief ends on this earth. i will not carry it Home with me. there will come a day when all the pain and sorrow we feel will be taken away and our hearts will be FULLY restored, healed and repaired. that is the Hope we have, the Hope we place our faith in. that is our anchor and our life-jacket...

so you can't tell sydney's story of grief and sadness about her death and just leave it there. because she waits for us in a place where our hearts already are there. with her and with the Lord. there is a redeeming thread throughout her story. yes, she died. yes she is gone. yes we will wonder all our days we walk on this earth what could have been...what having a daughter would have been like...but our pain does not hit a brick wall, it does not sit at the base of a tree and grow nasty roots and die or stay dormant forever.....our pain will be transformed one day. but only because of Heaven.

if anything, sydney's story should always point our hearts heavenward. towards her and the Lord, of course but also towards our own journey and remind us that Heaven is our Home and this life here is not to be taken for granted...not to be abused or wasted. there is much to do for His kingdom here, while we are still here.

our baby girl taught us so much....we miss her terribly. still, even after two years. the only thing that fills her void in our family is God's grace and redeeming love and mercy for us. that is the ONLY thing. i am honored that our sydney grace sits with the giver and creator of that kind of massive gracious love.

sweet girl, i miss you. your daddy misses you and your big brother liam misses you. your baby brother will hear of your story and know you of you one day. you are never forgotten and always loved and treasured and we are honored to be your family.

today, me and your daddy and your brothers will walk to the park. along with your gram and grampa and uncle chris, aunt jenny and cousin's ellaiden and soren. we will send you tons of pretty pink balloons your way. we celebrate you and your life and what you mean to us....we love you to the moon and back sweet girl...

we are home from the nicu!!

this is THE proudest big brother you have EVER seen.....

we are HOME...discharged today..on a bit of oxygen but hopefully for less than a week or so.

soooooooo glad to be home. to be a family again....

and see liam with his baby brother. and see my mom finally get to meet him, snug him and rock him.

he was already singing to him and reciting movie lines from curious george to him on the way home.

praising God for His faithfulness and goodness in ALL things!!

checked into the nicu this morning....and sweet joanna, sydney's nurse, was staring back at me. she took care of our sweet angel two years ago...i would have recognized her anywhere...i asked if she remembered us..and she did. i told her how much her care with us was appreciated. through many tears of course....how lovely she was with our daughter those first few days and how much she meant to us. how nice it was to see her again and be able to thank her and tell her my heart....she gets to see our boy today. and she held our sweet sydney in her arms as well....lucky lady!!

henry update...

time for an update: nicu life is crazy and we have had little time to rest much less call people or email much. we are on the go every three hours back and forth up here to the hospital. in between those three hours, we are trying to rest, eat, see liam and i am pumping breast milk for henry....i do hope all family and friends understand how trying this time is for us, how tiring and taxing it is on our hearts and on our body and mind. we are keeping it together mainly because we have each other, we are a team. we have the Lord directing every step. we have mom here taking care of liam's every need so we can not worry as much about being away from him while we are up here....

henry was delivered at 34 weeks and came out like a champ. never needed oxygen or meds, never needed a feeding tube. he was amazing the doctors at every turn....two days into his nicu stay, he was not taking the amount of milk on his orders so they put a feeding tube in...which in about 24 hours, he yanked out himself....bottle feeding and breast feeding was quite difficult with the tube in so we tried the rest of the days feedings without it and he did wonderfully. not only did he clear the amount required but the added milk they kept adding at each feeding as well..by today is he eating 50cc's when 35 is ordered. so he is eating quite well. breastfeeding has been a bit hard with a preemie but he finally got the hang of it over the last 2-3 days but it tires him out a lot.

we were told that when the doc starts talking about the hep B shot, circumcision orders and the car seat test, you will know you are about a day or so away from being discharged. we were called last night and told to bring the car seat to our 9pm feeding and were so excited and hopeful...we knew what that meant....however, when i called at midnight to check on henry, they informed me that he was not statting on his oxygen like he needed to and that his heart rate was up because of it and his color was changing a bit...they ordered an x-ray which showed some inflammation of the lungs, which are doing ok but still developing because he is only 35 weeks gestation tomorrow. they put him on an oyxgen tube and said he is already breathing better overnight. he took his feedings well with it and is eating well still, so that is a good sign. he is maintaining his body temp still on his own and is in a open crib instead of the warmer like the first few days.

so instead of leaving today like we had hoped.....we are back in a holding pattern...he will most likely be on oxygen for the next 3-5 days and they will watch him closely to monitor his progress on it. they think he just overworked himself the last few days doing so well...running really hard and then needs a breather. literally.

we knew this would be a rollercoaster. we expected it. still, to have him do so well and then step back like this is harder on us than anything..he is doing fine. the doctor even said this wasn't back sliding, this is normal for a preemie, for a 6 day older..for a child born at 34 weeks gestation. still, it's hard. we long to have him home with us. and to breathe again with ease.

liam is having a hard time with me finally being home after 2 1/2 weeks bedrest here but having to return up here so much. he thinks the nurses should just give henry his milk so i don't have to...ha. he is really struggling with the back and forth of momma and daddy and we both are trying so hard to balance it all and give him the special attention he deserves when we are home....mom, liam's gram, is doing wonderfully with him and takes care of his needs and his heart..so we feel good about him being taken care of when we are gone....just hard for the little guy. he wants normal back. as do we.....and he wants his baby henry home with him.

please pray for us....for our hearts and our nerves. for our patience as we go up and down. for the nurses and docs who are taking care of henry...for liam's little heart and for mom who is taking care of him....for God to be glorified in all of this. and for our baby boy to come home, safely and soundly into our arms very soon...

thanks for your encouragement and prayers and love and support. we feel them! and we so appreciate every single one!!!

Henry has arrived!

Henry Adam is here....born at 34 weeks.

5 lbs 3 oz...
17 inches
born 8:13am
October 23, 2009

momma and baby doing great.

Henry is currently in the NICU, breathing on his own with healthy lungs and doing great...

more updates later! thank you for ALL your support, prayers and love!

henry's last night in momma's tummy....(sorry it's sideways)