by age 30, i have experienced both a miscarriage and a stillbirth.
i know both are devastating. i know they are both HUGE losses, dreams gone, hearts broken. i know. i have done both. so please don't be angry if you only suffered a m/c and think i don't understand. i do. i sincerely understand.
i, however, having experienced both know there is a big difference between them. i am not taking away from those who have lost a child one way or the other...i am struggling today with selfishly being frustrated with people thinking that they are the same...people, with the very best intentions telling me how sorry they are for our miscarriage with sydney.....stuff like that. i always want to correct them and tell them, "no, she was birthed from my body, i have the scar to prove it and i almost died..my husband had to go to a funeral home and sign papers for the disposal of her perfectly whole body, believe me it was NOT a miscarriage"...i know they don't understand, i know they don't get it....they are misinformed or simply just not aware because of lack of experience with stillbirth...i get it. most days i get it. other days, i just get sad or mad at feeling like i have to make others understand what stillbirth means...
please, God...help continue to heal my heart...help calm my anxious angry heart when i feel my little girl not being validated the way i want her to be....
i do not sit in judgement on those who have experienced loss different than mine, nor on those who have not ever experienced such loss at all. please Lord, help me, when the enemy makes me feel like this anyway, as if i AM judging those trying to understand me and angry when people just don't get it....it's not the grief olympics, one loss isn't more important than another....i hate when i let satan trick my mind into letting me think people don't care...
are there any other mother's who have lost their child that feel this way, ever? am i not alone?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
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I have had a miscarriage. I know that it isn't the same as losing a child. I have three sons also. Although it was very hard at the time to miscarry, I have never thought it was the same as losing an baby. I'm sorry that you are goinn through this. I can't imagine that people can compare the two, but I'm sure it happens. There can't be any thing harder than losing a child......
oh my...i had some sort of the same post brewing in my head this morning. i know what you mean...
and its not that i think a miscarriage isnt a loss -- it is. but i get incredibly frustrated when people tell me they know *exactly* how i feel...unless you have walked in my identical footprints, you dont...
i dont know the experience of a still birth and i would never make assumptions that our grief is the same. it isnt.
there is something about seeing your babies face that makes it so much more real...its another layer added onto the grief. we all have our layers.
for you, having suffered a m/c after losing sydney...an extra sting. and its not fair.
not sure if any of this makes sense but just wanted to say you are not alone. i try to remember that blake and ethan's validation does not come from others...it comes from HIM.
(hugs))
Oh wow, I have not experienced either one, although I wanted to write and say how much reading your blog (and others) has helped me understand friends and family that have endured similar pain to yours. Thank you for opening up your life to all of us.
I completely understand what you are saying. I haven't had a miscarriage so I don't understand exactly what that is like. But last October our 5th child, Samuel, was stillborn just one day after my due date, due to a cord accident. This grief is such a crazy thing and so much deeper and tougher than I ever could have imagined prior to experiencing it. I also know how Satan can have a hay day with my mind. I am constantly calling out to the Lord for peace, his presence, comfort... the list goes on and on. So know that you aren't alone, stillbirth is such a hard journey. And I have prayed for you with the loss of a misscariage also, it must be so hard. I am praying for God's continued healing on your heart and in your life.
Your sweet Sydney is beautiful... and by the way I love the tatoo:)
Thinking of you, and praying for you right now.
Sara
www.hintzshappenings.blogspot.com
I understand what you are saying...
i think the big difficulty with stillbirth is that usually it comes later in the pregnancy - when you are past the point where you worry about miscarriage. then, you just figure everything is going to turn out fine. you've bought clothes, finished the nursery, had baby showers, picked the name AND talked to this baby for months, felt the vigorous kicking and hiccuping, have ultrasound pictures that show organs and eyelids and thumbs being sucked...and then the heartbeat stops. when i HELD sydney grace, it was very apparent to me that this was the loss of a CHILD. a child that was already a part of your family. i hurt for those who have had miscarriages and know that they too grieve all of the "what-ifs". but to hand a still baby to the nurse for the last time, say goodbye and then have to bury that baby...that is something that one can't imagine until they go through it. i pray for you and your sweet heart and for all the women who have to suffer such losses.
I haven't experienced it and don't know first hand and won't try to. However, Steve had a stillborn sister. His mothers verse she always clung to most was 1 Cor 5:7 Live by Faith not by sight. I hope that your faith in God will continue to pull you thru this hard time.
I feel the same way, except that for me, I struggle with friends who have had stillbirths and feel that they understand, when I actually took home and cared for our daughters. They passed away at ages 10 and 8 weeks, so I have memories of them, yet no one ever talks about them. They were actually alive, smiling, precious parts of our family, yet I feel like people act like they never existed- they might as well have been stillborn.
I, too have to continually pray to not let Satan prey on the feelings I have sometimes.
Even just writing that comment seems so mean now that I read it again- I know that you would give anything to have been able to see Sydney smile or look into her eyes- I'm sorry if I hurt you with my comment. Is it worse to lose a child before you get to know them, or worse to lose them once you get to know them? Ugh! So hard to deal with all those difficult emotions and questions!!
lisa, i'm lyss's mother and i KNOW she understands and doesn't have ANY bitterness toward you. i have followed a blog of a family whose beautiful 3 yr old daughter drowned. the pictures make me cry every time i see them - i can't imagine losing alyssa's 4 yr old liam. i held a 3 month old baby yesterday who was already full of personality and as i looked at him i couldn't imagine losing him to SIDS or any other tragedy. i guess it all hurts wherever we are. bless you and prayers for your healing, jan
and lisa, i peeked at your blog. all 4 of your daughters are beautiful :)
lisa, no worries. you have nothing to apologize for. no offense taken at all. i get it, i do. i understood what you meant....i have often wondered if it had been harder to lose syd had i had even an hour with her alive...i will never know. loss sucks no matter what. thank you for sharing your heart. praying for you and your family as you continue to heal....
I know how you feel, Alyssa. My Sydney was born at 20 weeks gestation and many people think I simply had a miscarriage. They don't get that I delivered a whole, healthy baby, she was just too early. My Sydney was born alive and lived for two hours. It hurts a lot to hear people compare my experience to a miscarriage because it invalidates her life, both the 20 weeks she was in my womb and her two hours on earth.
i think i've blogged these very words before. you are absolutely not alone.
i have had an early miscarriage. i have also had to give birth to a perfect son who died in my body a week past his due date. i completely understand. it is part of the reason i tell strangers Jesper died at birth, even though he really died 3 days before he was born. in a short phrase it makes it clear who he was and that he was very much a part of our family.
i cannot say if it would have been harder to lose him after birth. i will never know. i only know that the pain of his loss was, and still is, indescribable.
i take comfort in this: thankfully, the amount of time we had with our babies in no way reflects how much we loved them. the only thing we get with more time is more memories, not more grief.
one loss is no more or less valid than another, they are simply different. i am always bothered by "i know EXACTLY how you feel." that isn't possible. as devon said, we do not walk in identical footprints. it is not possible for anyone to have the exact same loss.
hugs to you, alyssa.
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