been a while....

so, it's been a while. a long, long while since i have wanted to write. for several reasons, i just checked out of blogdom. while many of you might say, 'oh she's just been busy with the new baby and crazy busy with two kids now, maybe that's why she's been out of sight..." you might have a valid point. i wish that was the biggest reason, but it's not. to be honest, i really got tired of hearing my voice. and i really grew disenchanted with the blog world. it was depressing. my life was depressing enough that i needed not to sit in front of the screen and read and re-read stories of other lives falling apart. these stories were many times encouraging, yes, yet i needed to take the focus off that and re-focus on what was in front of me. my family. the story that was living out in front of my own eyes.

and if we're being honest, i also grew a little resentful of the 'celebrity bloggers' out there. as ugly as that may sound, it's the honest truth. i reached out to some of them, i wrote to them, sharing my story and my heart and encouragement, just hoping to connect and relate...and nothing. i know they have thousands of followers, i tried to not take it personally, but then that's what hit me. thousands of followers hanging on every word these people were saying....yikes, really? that kinda sounded scary to me. a little idolish to me. a little too, "i need to check in every day kind of thing" and i grew to hope my blog was not like that. i know those ladies do great things, share GOD with others and use their suffering for good. i am not knocking them. it just got to be kinda trendy or weird for me for a bit and i needed to be in the land of the living with people in the flesh. talk to my friend or neighbor or pastor about a struggle instead of reading it in a perfect stranger with a million of other people online. i wanted GOD to be the person i reached for or connect with. not a person who can fail me. or a stranger. i had put my hope in the wrong thing.

i also realize now, that in the last year, i have struggled with the time suck that is facebook. how easy it became to put up a quote or encouragement or struggle in five words, even one sometimes. and be done. no need to sit down and 'process' like i do here. work through my heart stuff and share long thoughts....no, i could write, 'hurting' and i could be done with it. ironically, in the fast paced culture we live in, facebook has provided yet another helpful but hurtful fast and easy drive-thru of thoughts, if you will, that allows us to be surfacy and not dive in deep most times. that got to be addicting. and validating too. someone could click like or comment in two seconds of me writing and tell me they could relate. it was instant connection. so it seemed. while i still struggle with time management issues with the FB, i do know it has provided a great support system and connection with friends and family and i am thankful. it was super helpful while on bedrest last year, it was my sanity in the hospital for those two long weeks for me and i am grateful for the support from so many in that time through their posts and comments. however, i started writing some serious hard heavy things at times, and a sweet friend from my past, who lives elsewhere, finally pointed out, that she would worry about me and hate seeing those depressing things, she would read them and worry that i was all suicidal some days. interesting thing about FB, is that you can write a word and then walk away and play with your kids, laughing and smiling, but people don't see that part. so i soon realized that people CHOOSE to come to a blog, they are willing participants in reading your rantings and ravings. FB however is not the place it seemed to be sharing those dark times with, with the girl from 7th grade that you haven't spoken with since then but are FB friend's now and still don't talk...anyways, you get the picture. i soon realized that the place i needed to be sharing those thoughts again was here. instead of facebook. and especially again, with others. in the fleshly form too. ian and i started in a new bible study group in our church for people who are or have been going through grief and suffering. it has been nice to share with others who get you. and help others that you "get" as they walk through their own pain journey. that has been a tremendous blessing for me. opening some wounds for sure, but worth it.

so, here we are. back to being honest again. and the truth is, i stopped writing bc i didn't want to admit what was on my heart. after we lost sydney, we grieved in numbness all year. then we got pregnant again, and we lost that baby. again, grieving still for syd but also now for this other life lost. then, on top of that we got pregnant with henry, but it was a rollercoaster and too insane for words. that time will be forever etched in my mind as the biggest waiting with fists clinched time ever...our grieving seemed to be put on the back burner with all the nerves and fear waiting for henry to be here. safe. and alive. then enter, new baby. with colic, no sleep. and new baby reminds you of what you lost three years ago...and enter my world this last year. i have not spoken about much of it because honestly i have suppressed most of it. in survival mode. new mom mode. two kids mom mode. and it's taken a couple of circumstances and prayer and a few books and a new ministry that ian and i are involved in at church to realize....that to ignore pain doesn't make it go away...no amount of chocolate cake or stupid spontaneous purchases or a bottle of wine can make it go away. we have been in a holding pattern for quite some time. and while we have truly invested and feel a deep "deposit" was made in our spiritual healing (of course full healing comes with Heaven), i do believe emotionally and mentally, we have been stuck.

ian has been working on a song that he is writing for his daughter. and henry will turn one years old the month before her third heaven day anniversary. i am reading a book that a sweet fellow grief friend recommended to me and it is rocking my socks off. i am realizing that in trying to survive the last two years, i have come undone and suppressed feelings and emotions in efforts to move forward and get on, that honestly i am not ready to get rid of. i am not ready to let go of. my faith, ironically, is a really cool place where i am realizing my deep deep need for Him to help me through this is the only way. at first, i truly believe i was functioning on adrenaline. soon, i was getting by because of meds. and they helped. but only for a while. they can only help your head and your mind. heartwork needs a different medicine, the one and only Counselor. i gladly relied on many many people, family, friends, ian...other grief mom's, blogs...they all helped so much and i looked to them for help and hope and encouragement. it wasn't until last week at a bible study on grief that i realized how i had used people and meds for my healing MORE than i allowed Him. hear me, i am not saying those two things are not useful or helpful or needed. they are. but as an ultimate or at a cost of Him being more than those things, then we have a problem. and i did. so, this summer, i got off my meds in hopes that i could truly work on my heart. and here i sit. wrestling with stuff i feel the meds had pushed aside. things i relied so heavily on a friend to fix or my mom to hug away or ian to kiss away. or even my living two children to give me......and now, i know, more than ever, that ONLY He can help me transform my grief into something useful. recovery happens when you break a bone. but when you have an amputation, you don't recover, you start over. you find a new normal. you as you know it, MUST transform into a new you to function. to accommodate what is lacking or missing.

i am loving this book i have in my lap. the words are leaping off the pages and echoing in my heart. things i have thought for three years and never knew how to say. a grace disguised by jerry sittser is a must read for those who have suffered loss. whether it's from cancer or a divorce, a death or a job loss....it's all something you can't really recover from on your own. you need His help to redirect and reroute you. change requires us to lose something to gain something else he says. you lose a daughter, but you gain a son-in-law, you lose your youth but you gain adulthood, you lose the freedom of singleness but you gain the intimacy of marriage. living means changing. and i have really tried resisting the changing i think. outwardly, i've moved on. you have to. to live. but inwardly, i think i have been stuck. and not known it.

having a new little one. right after her. well, it's been hard. as i marvel in all he is doing and learning, my body aches for her. not to be here instead of him. no, NO, NO. you will never hear me say that. and don't ever assume that is what i mean. i want all THREE of my babies here. i want henry to have a big sister that is helping him walk. i want three little ragamuffins at our dinner table. the fall is hard for me. i love the fall. it's my most favorite season. ironically, it's when she went Home. for me, the actual day is a lot easier for me than the weeks leading up to her death. so for me, october and november are just hard. they will get easier to walk through in the years to come, just because time causes scabs i believe....and you do live and move forward. but this year, i am not pretending to be that strong. i don't have to. He is for me, when i am not.

i am still working on finishing that book. it is such a blessing to me that i found it from a friend telling me about it. i am climbing. this huge mountain. and somedays, some months and seasons i will need to stop and rest a while. sit under a tree and take a breath. breathe in the air around me and store up strength to keep going. that's what i have been doing and what i continue to do. i am so thankful that in the midst of it all, i have a friend, a gentle loving Savior, that will walk with me, stop with me and rest with me and wait for me...and encourage me with His truth and promises to get back up. and keep going. i want that for myself. i want that for so many of you that understand my words, painfully.

drinking in all today has to show me. my awareness and alertness is keen and i am hungry for the things of God and the ways He speaks to me and wants to keep fashioning His own bandaid around my heart.