i lift my hands to........

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever - Chris Tomlin


I hear this song all the time on the radio, ALL the time. i hear but not sure i have listened to it like i did this morning.

Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain for the thirsty
Pure grace that washes over me

So let faith arise
Let faith arise
Open my eyes
Open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God
You are faithful, God, forever


struggling with the sovereignty of GOD in midst of suffering and trials, one can maybe suddenly be forced to ask the question..."do i believe?" "do i really believe?" "did i ever believe?" "i am angry and mad and confused, i believed once, why now is it so hard?"

ian and i have both struggled the past three years with those questions. we have witnessed others in suffering ask the same questions.

we know of several friends and friends-of-friends that are probably asking these very questions RIGHT NOW in the midst of their loss.....

today, listening to this Chris Tomlin, song..i was making lunch, simply boiling pasta and cutting up veggies...staring out the window, looking at the mountain, the words resonating in my head and heart....

"I lift my hands to believe again"


I lift my hands to BELIEVE AGAIN...again. once more, that word again tells me...that's what that word means, one more time.

and it hit me. almost grinning on the outside. it hit me. i heard the Lord tell me to believe again. AGAIN. you've believed before. when the sunday school teacher taught you, when your parents trained you, when the pastor preached it, when you traveled to another continent to spread it, when you gathered up 10 sweet 7th graders to disciple them in it, when you chose to leave your old ways and tattered life and become it.....you chose truth a long time ago, alyssa....so, now in the hell, in the spinning crashing world of yours that means your daughter dies, believe AGAIN. you have to chose to believe again. when what makes sense in your human world begins to not to any longer, believe, again. when you hurt and you ache and you feel like dying inside, believe, again. when others tell you that i am a bad God who punishes and is unfair, believe, again. when life seems unfair and you want to doubt all the nuggets of truth that have grown roots in your fragile heart, believe. again. BELIEVE again.

trust the truth and the GOD that made you and is making all things new....again. and again......and again.

choose to believe again and again. make the choice every morning and in every trial. with every tear and every aching heart moment. it's not a one time thing. you have to choose to believe me, to believe in ME and believe what i say and what i came to do.....over and over again. your human heart forgets as each layer peels away with new pain and heartache and tragedy. with each choice you make to believe, again, you are championing your heart and your soul and your mind to remember what your spirit truly knows. the truth. the TRUTH.

Truth = there was an idol-selfish-sinful-heart choice made in the garden, we were separated from our Creator and sentenced to death and life without Him...he sent his perfect son to die a painful-selfless-radical-sacrificial death in our place, so that we could be REunited, REstored, REconciled, REdeemed, REmade, and REturned back to our loving Father. death overcome by death, grave overwhelmed, eternal suffering no more, eternal Victory and merciful saving grace by a faithFULL and loving God who wanted his children returned to him. back into his fold, the loving shepherd came looking for us, his lost and wandering sheep. He came to make all sad things come untrue. one day, all untrue. how amazing....

when life gets turned upside down..by death, disease, divorce, natural disaster, tragedy upon tragedy..none, NONE, none of it makes all the Truth laid out above untrue. Truth is still truth. this life, this world is fallen and tainted but His truth is not. we MUST recall the things he has done for us, the CHOICE he made for us, to REdeem us and REturn us back to him....in the midst of doubting minds and question filled spirits, grief filled wailing and thrashing of heart and bones, we must believe again in those promises and that know that His truth is real. and it's ours.....believe again. and again and again.

i've heard of trusting in all things, having joy in all things....but this 'believing again and again and again' thing struck me this morning as something new.....something to grasp onto and have hope in. on your worst day or your most helpless moment, lift your hands to believe again, believe in the Cross over and over again, remember what he has done for you and believe...believe again....Lift up your hands to believe again....

He is your refuge, He is your strength......As you pour out your heart, these things, remember..He is faithful, He is forever!!