fake joy

it's been a while since i've penned any thoughts.

pursuing adoption meant we needed one more bedroom, so goes the house on the market, showing the house stress, selling the house, packing the house and moving blues, waiting almost two months now to hear if we have the fixer-upper house we're in contract with while house sitting and staying with friends...foreclosures start with a F for a reason i am learning, ;). YET He has provided at every turn and jam....places to stay, people to help us pack and move, family that supports you and believes in you, friends who bring you coffee or even margaritas to help you get through packing up your family home in your tear filled moments....


the last four months have been seriously rough and my thoughts have been backed up like a traffic jam, afraid to let them loose for the sting that they will bring....

which usually means i fall apart at the wrong times. like in the target produce aisle or during a commercial, over breakfast with a friend, while driving listening to music or at church singing....OR at church yesterday when our little one fell apart too.

this weekend, after the stress and rough season of so many unknowns and homelessness had taken it's toll on our family in full force, i almost didn't make it to church. it seemed too much work, too much effort, too many people...too exposed for this aching heart. but i pulled us together at the last minute and shoved all of us out the door to meet ian who was already there....i put on my brave face and fake smile and really tried to force the joy.

why do we force joy? it never works....it's like cramming too much icee in those silly lidded cups at the store, as soon as it settles, it will overflow and run everywhere....and the heart is the same way.

i made my way, praying and meditating on His truth, to the doors and felt a peace knowing that my God would take me anyway i would come, tears and broken anxious heart and all...and that even the sweet people on the other side of those doors would too. i love fellowship and community. it's vulnerable and messy but it's worth it and it's necessary. and vital. and commanded. and healing.

i began to feel at peace as i centered my heart and prepared for worship...liam and i went to drop henry off at his class. and he lost it. so many changes lately, so many different places to lay our head, so many transitions and stresses and that kid has suffered. big time. he has had so many changes, so many things different and scary, living with our stress-filled gypsy life. at class, he wouldn't let me let him go. and in the passing of him to the teacher, he screamed. and flailed. and then. he hit her. in the face. my heart burned and my temper raged. i was so embarrassed. and mad. and hurting. i had just listened to the same sweet teacher friend tell my friend how great and wonderful her daughter was at pickup and simultaneously i was dropping off my monster child who was raging and hitting. i wanted to melt. i took him quickly and went into a safe place to talk and discipline. i was hiding my tears and forcing them and my shaky voice back into my throat. i was thankfully calm and tried to return him to his class with the deal that he had to peacemake and apologize. and he wouldn't. my sweet teacher friend was so patient and supporting me in quiet nods to my tears, telling me i was doing a good job, being a good mommy, all words from the Lord that lifted me up to keep going i believe...that stubborn 2 yr old heart, just cried and cried and fell more apart in anger. returned to the same safe quiet empty room and started over. repeated the same talk and discipline and returned to his class. where he finally after much prodding, apologized and made peace with his sweet teacher. he still was not ready to be left in that class after some other kids who were screaming at the top of their lungs in their own meltdowns were scaring him and he began to sob again, so ian took him and walked with him the entire service. i sat with liam in service and cried the whole time....light little drops of pain, falling and cleansing my face, swiping and brushing off as fast i could. i felt like the overflow was happening, i couldn't cram anymore emotions in that full heart space. i read through several psalms while listening to the message as well and felt the weighty feeling of just wanting to leave, to give up and just go home. but i knew that would mean the enemy would win. and so i stayed, wiped tears...tears that fell for my hurting angry son, tears that weighed with hurt in missing my daughter lately and my friend who passed away three years ago tomorrow, tears that have been shoved deep down as we wait anxiously for news of our house as we are stressfully and painfully homeless, tears for a little girl that i don't even know but am waiting for, tears that have surfaced over some hurting relationships and pain...tears over feeling like i am not cutting it or making it, tears of conviction for a jealous and envious heart that won't settle....just so much hurt that had been crammed. and once bumped, such as the 2 yr old meltdown would show, it spilled everywhere.

i knew faking the joy meant fake confession and repentance, fake joy means fake peace.

fake peace is anti-gospel. it's anti-faith. fake faith.

and that won't cut it. not that i won't cut it. because i never will. i'm fallen. i'm on the now-earth aching for the not-yet-new-earth that is shalom Peace. fake heart efforts and fake faith don't cut it because in being scared to let my guard down or be honest, it is counter productive to the faith and hope and peace that is mine in Christ that sets me free. He is the one who 'does cut it', He is the one that had and has victory over all of this mess. over me. remembering none of this relies on me, but His work is truly freeing. and thus humbling.

my heart was fighting the fake and the real and really just craved comfort. it wanted to settle and land on something cushy and comfy and safe. and the only place that will be: will be in His hands. and His Word. not people, not things, not doing, not trying to keep up, not trying to fake it.....just letting all those tears land softly in His hands. and HE counts them and keeps them. and they are not returned void. they count. and they matter to Him. He takes them and is ABLE to take payment with them to exchange them for Joy, He converts the pain and the mess to His joy and His peace and offers it to us debtfree....those tears are worth a lot and are priceless to HIM. because their weight is not measured in wordly things like being weak or silly or a mess. NO. they are measured in humility and weakness and a needing-ness, all things that show Him your heart needs him.

as soon as service was over, ian and henry found their way to me....and henry jumped into my arms...and buried his head...after an hour or so of us apart, he returned to his momma...

and the first thing he did was say these words to me:

     "momma, i sorry for anger and hitting. forgive....peese."

and he leaned into me, looking for safe, that comfy and cushy place for his heart to land. and my tears fell once again. and he found his safe place in my arms. in my embrace and kisses and forgiveness and always there love and big proud teary smile...tears fell for a sweet little heart that was NOT faking repentance or joy. his own little mind and heart made peace on his own, not forced or fake, taking some much needed time to process and step away, and he returned to me, surprising me with two year old remorse and sadness that his anger had hurt me and made me sad, that us having that wall between us was too much for his little heart to carry and he wanted to make it right. on his own. i was stunned. and it took my breath away. and the tears fell. tears for a sweet little boy who was 'getting it' after all the hard-fighting tantrums and melt downs. he was happy to see me again BUT somehow in his two year old self, didn't want to return to me until we were 'right' and at peace.....

it made my heart sing and swell and immediately reminded me of how my heart had done the same thing with my own Parent-Father in the last hour.....once i stopped faking the heart work, the messy part of searching my heart and coviction...and running to Him for rest, the Rest happened. and it had to, because the fake stuff wasn't working....

i wondered on the drive home why adults had such a hard time being real, faking SO many things, struggling with practicing this confession and repentance peacemaking cycle....our stinking pride and selfish heart stands us in the sand with lines drawn far too long on these matters....we cram and cram our heart broken pieces of sadness, envy, jealousy, pride, anger and self so deep that it takes life or relationship earthquakes to bring them to the surface.

my friend recently penned a beautiful song, psalm 23 and it's been speaking to me about how we are called to His paths for HIS namesake not ours.....and hard as it may be some seasons, HE is with us. He is that soft cushy and comfy place to fall on, to rest in.....

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me."

Psalm 23: 1-4

i noticed and noted that morning, that i longed to be like henry. who wanted, not even knowingly, to keep short accounts and rhythms with his parent, as did i with my Father and others....and it encouraged me greatly and sweetly to be reminded that fake joy, fake peace, fake faith, and fake peace making and fake life-living only leave the heart restless and ready to explode.....breaking and spilling on all around you the most unpredictable moments...



there's grace in all of it. such beauty in the breakdown of knowing you CAN fall apart, into His rest. and mercy in a God who calls us to live a REAL messy vulnerable life in front of Him, with Him and with others and brings restoration and LIFE and rest to dying hearts....life is too short to live any other way....

grace abounds. in the messy places of the heart that long to find rest and be restored, His grace heals and brings peace. and VICTORY.