You are MY Sonshine!

i have been daydreaming lately.....

daydreaming about laying in a hospital room with sunshine darting through the window, showering me with warmth as i sing 'you are my sunshine" to this baby...in my arms....joyful tears bathing my warm little one as i can't stop thanking my God for His blessing and mercy...

ian and i have a beautiful memory of sitting in a hospital room singing over our sydney in our arms. we sang to her all of the songs we sing to liam at bedtime...it was painful, her still little body was covered in our tears by the end but it was bittersweet as well because we got to have that moment with her...we got to rejoice over her with singing and love on her....but i can't ignore the fact that she was still, cold and eerily quiet. she did not make a peep, she did not move, she did not open her eyes to hear our voice. she was gone.....

i daydream these days about singing those same songs over this baby....with sunshine on my face, little peeps or cries interrupting my song, a squirmy little one dancing about in my arms, a huge grin on my ian's face as he exhales and probably starts dancing in the halls before His King like David....i look at that moment in my mind as Hope but i know my Hope does not come in those hallmark moments, it comes from my faith that my God will not change no matter whether i sing to another still baby or a sweet warm cuddly little punkin, alive with breath and beating heart.....

i have a Faith in a God who can move mountains, make miracles happen and goes against ALL sorts of crazy odds. I know my God is big enough for anything that lies before me in the next 8 months or so......i know He can make this crazy odds pregnancy blossom into a beautiful story of life and Joy and Hope....i KNOW without a doubt that He can do it..i trust that my God can do ALL these things.

BUT, i now have a knowledge...grown in the dirt of suffering and aching pain while seeking Godly wisdom and the scriptures that while GOD IS ABLE, He may not choose to do this for me....His will for this baby is His, not mine....my daydreams leave me hoping, smiling even at the possibility of my arms being filled in 7 or so months with a new beating heart with it's daddy's hair and my lips..and it's big brother giggling with excitement over his new baby....

but my Hope, that doesn't go away depending on whether i get to experience that said moment above, comes from knowing that God will take care of me...He will continue crafting my life and my story as His....no matter what. i now know this to be true.

i still pray though. i pray for that sunshiney-singing moment to come to fruition...to come to LIFE...i will wait on the Lord.