now, not yet

i felt the baby move last night. first time.

thought it was gas at first but i know for certain it was not. i was laying on my bed, trying to keep my dinner down and resting a bit....i had just had a sip of grape juice and i felt it.

it caught me off guard and i started to cry. i immediately thought of her.

i started to feel soooo homesick for that little girl that last kicked my insides like that last.

i vacillated back and forth from heartache and excitement, nostalgia and fear. joy and pain.

with each little flutter, i realized more than ever that this little one occupies the warm little space that our baby girl took up with her precious little life.

i remembered giggling with each little flutter i felt with her, grabbing ian's hand to feel the slightest movement, getting liam to do the same.....

oh, the ache returned. i looked at her picture on the wall as i lay in my bed, feeling this little one flutter around, barely, but there.....and i searched my girl's face in the picture and remembered her smell and the feel of her skin and the way it felt when she danced beneath my heart.

and i lost it.

i cried for her. i ached for her. i hadn't had a breakdown like this in many months.. they don't hurt any less when they come...but they don't seem to last as long and i am able to focus my heart back to heaven and love her with Joy and Peace, but ohhh the ache, the familiar ache and jeering pain was there....and it is ok. half of my heart resides in heaven now, i will always feel that ache until i am Home.

i cried for her but then my tears soon became overwhelmingly sought with fear....holding my tummy close and already loving this little one, beneath my heart....i soon found myself scared and crying for fear of losing this one too......so afraid of hurting like that again, so afraid of having to say goodbye, again. the first movement somehow made it more real for me, what we stand to lose...i can feel it now...

i trust my Lord with all things. i know He has a plan for me. for my family. i place my hope in the Cross, not the number of chairs at our dinner table each night.....i am telling you this because you can be scared and sad, but still be hopeful. it is a tight rope walk that other mother's who have buried their babies walk or other people who have lost their loved ones experience. for now, we have Hope because the battle has already been fought and He won, for you and me, at the Cross, at the empty tomb, victory is His, yet complete healing will come with Heaven, but it's not yet....so we wait.

to love so deeply and then lose it, it hurts. we were created by God to live forever, eternal life with Him. Sin and the fall happened and the wages of our sin was death. separation. separation from here and the ones we love and even Him, if we do not believe in the Cross and the Resurrection power of God. so while we have our Hope in Heaven and a redeemed earth to live forever with our God, we still sit here on this troubled fallen earth with the "now, not yet" mentality and it's hard.....the flesh wins out over and over and some days you just have to let yourself cry for a bit and let God cover your grief and hurting hurt like ONLY He can...and HE WILL. HE DOES. I PROMISE.

to feel that little life inside me was a reminder that i am blessed. i don't know if i will bring this baby home, but for now, this little precious life dances inside me and celebrates it's creator by just being and living and existing......and i am it's momma.