"trying" to fear no evil....

we go tomorrow for our next ultrasound. we are 16 weeks today, half way for me, since they are wanting to try and take the baby at 32 weeks at the soonest.....

i am filled with nerves and fear mixed with a peace that i know God has already set this child's story in motion from it's very conception, just like He did with Sydney's story..and yes, even our Liam...and i can't do a darn thing to change that story that is developing within me right now, resting right beneath my ribs and heart...He is the Author and knows best. yet, i sit here so many days wondering and pondering, wanting to skip ahead a couple chapters to see how the story plays out. but i can't. and i know i am not supposed to. human nature i suppose, to want to KNOW all we can like God, to be our own god and control the axis of our world and the things within it....

if this little one cooperates, we could even see "parts" tomorrow and get an early look at what we are having...that is one of the perks that comes with monthly ultrasounds i guess...we'll see. ian and i are honestly blessed with whatever we find out, girl or boy. but it is another reminder to me that God already knows right now about the gender...He has known since He created this little person what it was to become....He knows and i do not...not yet. and that is how it works. with everything about this little one's future...even all of life really. i have to just keep walking and have faith that the story He is crafting for this little one, is one that i will embrace and give Him glory for no matter what....

i hate living by fear and in fear. when i go to His word and read His promises and meditate on His character and His love for me, it helps me to combat that fear. when i live by fear, i let the world overwhelm me. i literally become overcome by the world. but when i put His words in my head and press them into my heart, i am reminded that He has already overcome the world. it was finished at the cross. and that is something to exhale deeply on. that if God is for me and with me, than whom shall i fear? i must put the right things, the pure and noble things of Him into my head each day...when i fail to do so, the world's lies and distorted truth seeps into my mind and tricks me into thinking i am nothing, i have failed already and will feel despair forever and i am afraid of everything...from ian driving to work to liam crossing the street to wondering if a friend still loves me to being afraid that our daughter's life had no meaning to questioning if this new child will live at all or join it's sister and other sibling in heaven.....and i am once again enslaved to this world's grasp on my heart.....it brings out the worst in me...fear brings out the worst in all of us, doesn't it? we react certain ways when we are afraid, we treat people unfairly most often when we are afraid...because we are in defense mode and we don't think clearly. if you have kids, you will notice they do the same. often times, i see a child getting yelled at for being weak or doing something wrong out in public, when i can tell as the sky is blue, that the child is afraid...i am guilty of doing this with liam many times and i forget. because i am inconvenienced or not getting my way with what i expect or want...i overlook the heart issue and miss the "fear factor" playing out before me. most times, i can't fix the issue for liam but my job is to speak truth to him and reassure him that i am there for him, to make him feel safe and tell him God is on his side....

isn't that what God does for us to? we impatiently expect him to fix everything right away, when He is simply sitting alongside us, every time, telling us..."I can't fix this for you right now, for my own reasons you cannot see now, but I can assure you that I am here for you, here with you, I will speak my Truth over you and not leave you alone, you are safe in Me and I am on your side...."

i am constantly blessed as i humbly do my best to parent our son alongside my husband..to see how God uses that parent/child relationship with liam to work on my own relationship with God...how the issues correlate so many times to ones i am needing to work on with Him as well....how the fears i discuss with liam and try to teach him about trusting God with, might look different from the ones i struggle with, but all fall into the same line of not trusting my God with ALL of it....how the whining and complaining i call liam on a LOT is not that much different than the whining and complaining i do in my own day about life...and it ALL translates to telling God that what He has given us is not enough and we want more, we are not satisfied and we think we deserve more...pride. that is what it is.

so, i am confessing here and now, that i know my fear and worry translates to mistrust. it makes me sad and heartbroken that i don't trust my God more, i am pained by that sin....my wounds keep me stuck there a lot of the time. my human sin nature keeps me enslaved. but ohhhhhhhhh the beautiful grace that is there for me...when i go back to the cross and know i am free. free from the guilt and the sin that is my worry and mistrust. that why i may struggle with this till my last breath, He is there every morning and every single hour of every single day, calling me back to Him. to continue to work it all out, with fear and trembling and honest heart. that if i keep pursuing Him and running after Him, i will grow in wisdom and stature and faith..and the trusting part will get easier with each new trial...because perseverance and patience will have taken root in the meantime...and when i stumble or fall or stay down for a season, i simply adore and am humbled beyond words that i have a God who runs after me even when i am still.....He loves me that much.