a prayer for a wounded daddy

so the steroid shots i received for henry's lungs left me wide awake last night. slept a little from 10-1 but up at one for the rest of the morning. and i had to be resting on my side, so i couldn't get up....so i laid there...talking to God, praying for people by name..over and over...and my sweet ian came heavily on my heart...

i was remembering those first hours and days when we lost sydney. how much of a rock ian was for me and our family. he had to be. i was sick, so sick in the ICU for days, in and out of consciousness....that left ian to talk about arrangements for sydney's body with the nurses and doctors, that left a 30 yr old man to have to go alone to the funeral home to discuss our burial options, alone....my mom and dad and brother were in town and offered to go with him, but he felt he needed to do it alone....

he helped me get around in the hospital while still in ICU, he went back and forth from ICU and home to check on liam who was with my folks...he made the hard phone calls and dealt with the dirty details of ugly death while i was laying in a bed on drugs....

luckily, my brother, who is also ian's best friend longer than we have been married, was here in a heartbeat and there for ian. to talk, to laugh, to cuss or yell, to go get a beer with, to pray with, to cry with, to get mad with, to question with....what a blessing that was for ian to have his bud here....

yet, he still turned it all off. he had to. to survive in the midst of your hell, you just check out. and for guys, it's as easy as pie to do so...self preservation, survival mode, whatever you want to call it....he was there...for days and weeks, months even. he took care of me....and he took of our family. and he did the best he could to take care of himself..which means for him, checking out of the mental, spiritual and emotional scene...autopilot we like to call it...

obviously, he couldn't go that long like that...no one can. it breeds at the bottom of the pit of your soul and then it has to come out...somehow, someway...God have mercy on the poor soul who would be there for that ian used to say....he knew one day it would surface and he would have to deal with it...and he did....we both did....it was a long process...still is.

so when we got pregnant again with the last pregnancy, i saw him going there...emotionally. especially cautious and rightfully so after we lost it...he seemed like he knew what he had to do to get through it....fast forward to this pregnancy with henry. he is already there...turning it off, preparing for the worst...preparing his heart to have to be braveheart again for whatever comes our way...he is sooo scared. he wants to meet this little boy so badly. he wants to be a daddy again so desperately. he longs to not be that jaded guy...we both do, it's hard. it's hard not to be jaded but we both long to not claim that in our lives....but he knows better than you and me what has to be done, what had to be done..he knows the drill...he has been there...he's held his wife's hand in pain as she writhed and screamed and wailed and hit him in the chest in those first moments..he held his breath as he saw life slip away...he watched his wife almost die. you can't tell him it will be ok this time, because he has seen a place where it's not. yes he has come back from it and God has been merciful in healing his heart, mine too to a place of resting in His plan for us....yet, he experienced something no one should ever have to....i don't like to call it jaded...wounded is a better word....

so i laid in bed last night for hours...watching him (ok, listening too, loud snorer) sleep and prayed for him...over him, crying with tears for God to redeem that wounded experience and give him one in return of Joy and celebration...to give him a reprieve of having to be braveheart the next few weeks...to touch his heart in a supernatural way, a way that only God could do..one that would lift some of the burdened weight he still carries...one that would help him be brave and the strong man he is, one that he is called to be, but also allows him some peace and slack...some hope.

i long to see this image soon...it has been a prayer of mine since we knew henry was coming.....the image of my husband holding his 2nd son up in the air, almost lion king like... eye to eye and singing like king david in the halls of the hospital, the same halls he fell apart in..the same exact location our lives fell apart in two years ago...i long to see my husband sing to this child, warm and alive in his arms....as he did with his sweet girl who laid so still in his arms....i long to have my sweet soul mate be the ultimate underdog who overcomes, like in all his favorite movies he loves...i want that for him so badly.

will you pray for ian with me?....can i ask you to pray specifically for his "braveheart" mentality? can i ask you to plead with a God of mercy, one who longs to show us compassion...that He would show compassion on my husband. that He would not ask my ian to go to that scary dark place again, of being the decision maker and punching bag and hand holder and tear wiper...can you pray for that image with me for him that i mentioned?....pray for his heart to be being prepared right now, softened and protected..for his anxious nerves and tense mood to be lightened...that the enemy would not steal his joy of what is in the right now...which is a little boy that we love dearly who rests below my heart and who has a wonderful most loving daddy who longs to hold him in his arms soon.....

just wanted to share my heart for my loving husband...and seek prayer for him. the men are often overlooked in the grief process, looked at as the strong ones....yet, a broken heart has not a gender preference. and pain is pain....

praying for my sweet husband