theology?

my friend and i have been talking.

we are both dealing with some major changes in the next few months...a bunch of waiting to "see what happens", a lot of fear in the wings while we wait...wanting so desperately to honor God with our choice to just shove ahead and be joyful and be patient in affliction and want for nothing, persevere with insane amounts of faith and glorify Him with our attitude of trust in Him and His plan for us.....

yet, we still get scared, we still get worried and stressed and our minds wander. we worry.

we both have decided that we are just not subscribing to the george michael "gotta have faith" theology anymore...we both have seen too much in the past two years....together we have watched two babies die that we got to meet, two others we lost before we could even know who they were to name them....we've seen marriages crumble, buried a friend and watched several little ones here on earth suffer with terrible health issues....AND through it all we had faith. we knew that we served a God who would deliver us from it all, not abandon us, continue to love us and guide us through the storms...

so imagine how hard it can be to hear some people (with good intentions i know) tell us constantly that we just have to have faith right now, that if we do- everything will be ok. with this waiting scary season in our life...hearing that, while wondering if we will get to meet our new little ones in a few months or if we will have to buy new angels for our angel trees we planted a year ago...where three friends have a total of 6 angels glistening in the leaves of those trees right now down the street...

we know what faith looks like. faith is what keeps you breathing each morning when you want to cover your head with your blankets and hide. faith is what keeps you walking on those days when you for sure fall down on the floor crumbled in despair. faith is what you hold to when those very things you longed for faded into the sunset and fell from your grip. faith is what we have when we are alone. when all else is stripped away.....our faith is in the story of the Cross, not in our dreams coming true anymore.

a friend of ours, our worship leader at church, was speaking one morning. he was telling the congregation about friends of ours who had a terrible accident occur over the week. their two year old had been hit by a truck and was seriously injured. he survived and was ok. he was going to be ok. he didn't die. God is good. BUT what if he had, he asked us. what if that two year old little boy had died in a senseless traffic accident like that? would God still be good? "Do we have a theology that allows a two year old to die like that and God still be good?"...something to that affect, that is how he said it.

it hit me, that question....i have been a believer for quite some time now...but when we lost sydney i am not sure my theology that i held was ready to deal with tragedy and suffering like that. i am not sure my heart believed what my head did. i blamed God and got angry, i felt like i deserved to have my daughter here with me...i wanted things my way and i was hell bent on being bitter for a while when things didn't go my way....before she died, i had faith. i prayed for our daughter. i knew she was in God's hands and i trusted Him to take care of things and to take care of her. i wanted her to glorify God with her life and i was thankful, so thankful for her. i had faith in a God who created her and i praised Him for her.....yet, that faith was not a magic formula to keep her here. it wasn't a part of HIs plan for her. or for us.....i even had faith after she left us. i had faith that God would not leave me alone in my hell...and He didn't. but it still was hard and ugly, that pain, regardless of how much faith i could cling to....grief is just ugly and a really hard and LONG season....

so now, i feel i am reeling in a new theology, resting in a new concept of "God's will be done" and i will work my hardest to adjust to whatever comes my way and trust Him with all things..if i believe in a God who is sovereign, which i do, than i can't think any other way....i continue to have faith in a God who is able, capable and powerful to do all things.....but i will not use that "so called faith" tag to line it up with my wants and desires.....i cannot have faith in things going my way or working out how i want them..i know now that God's will is not for our comfort but for His glory purposes....i have to have faith that whatever comes, that my God will be with me, stand by me and deliver me...and use it all to His glory.

sometimes i feel like it was easier living life before i was hit upside the heart and head with this theology...i was blissfully ignorant and naive....yet, sooooooooo unprotected. as hard as it is to trust this theology over and over with each new day, with each new trial or storm...it is MUCH more comforting and peaceful feeling ironically to just let it go and know that God is in control and has me covered...has it ALL covered....and there, not before, but there in that place of obedience is where i find Joy...the peace and the joy comes after making that choice to obey...not before...and there in that Joy is where He is finally glorified and honored like HE deserves!