home sweet hospital

i am here. in the very hospital we lost our girl in.

i am here for two weeks hospital bedrest before they bring henry early at 34 weeks.

so many mixed emotions.

i left our 4 yr old bawling, screaming and reaching for me in the driveway....i am blessed to have my mom here in town to take care of him, look after him and love on him in my absence...but there is nothing like feeling like you are abandoning one child for another. i can't explain it. it just hurts like hell. i lost it in front of him...i tried not to, but i couldn't fight it and the tears rolled. i lost it even more once ian and i were in the car.....sobbing, i looked at ian.....almost angry..."this better be worth it, God better let me bring his brother home to him..a baby in my arms.." i cried to my husband. i knew not to demand this of my God but God being God already knew my heart and i had to be honest and just get it out and vent.....i know He is in control and His will will be done....but all this anxiousness and fear is hard to bear not knowing the outcome....especially the outcome that we want.

ian and i rolled onto the fourth floor, ian with my suitcase, my cozy new blanket and pillow. "may we help you?"...i was going to say, "yes, you are expecting me...my name is blah, blah..."....my husband on the other hand says..."yes, we are here for camp preggers!"..."um, excuse me", the nurse says....i looked at her and told her that she would need to get used to having my silly husband around for two weeks...they all laughed at the desk and it broke the ice....sweet ian, always the comical ice breaker.

got settled in...put up some pictures and bible verses that my sweet amy friend crafted for my room...ian sat and watched our favorite show while he helped me pick out the menu choices for the week. he has to be the only person i know who LOVES hospital food. he always eats all my food when i am in the hospital and he gets so excited about it....

he finally had to leave as he was getting tired...we stood in my small room, hugged and he prayed over me. rubbed my bellybutton like he does now all the time and he was out the door....

i quickly got my jammies on and got in bed and on the laptop to stay busy...LOVE that we have wi fi here. i would go crazy without it.....

met my sweet nurse...who told me that she had lost her 15 year old son about eight years ago and understood a grief filled hole of a mother's heart....she told me she "gets it" and we bonded instantly...she actually is the spitting image of my best friend anne's mom, teenie (who is also at home with Jesus like syd)...could be her twin sister at least...so that made me feel at home instantly...i wanted to ask her to make me burnt popcorn and brownies after a while like teenie used to.

i slept the night with the tv on, in the background for noise. woke up off and on...but mostly slept. woke to vitals at 6am and up for the day....

so i am dealing a lot with ptsd from sydney's delivery and death...i have dealt with it some leading up to this time but stepping foot in the hospital here has definitely stirred the pot of memories and emotions....i was told to expect it..from my docs and my friends who have been here as well...but it flooded in like an old familiar, yet unwelcomed friend...

i will try to be upbeat and positive here. i will try and claim God's victory everyday in this, even when i am not feeling so strong. because i know He is there...He is here with me. however, i am not immune to the fear that creeps in...afraid to keep it to myself....always want to be encouraging. afraid sometimes to be brutally honest because i don't want to disappoint or let others down and especially dishonor my Lord...but i know that my God understands my fear and my anger and my doubts. He walks with me through it all and waits patiently as i wade through these tough waters. He is such a good and gentle God. He is so careful and merciful and the most freeing thing you can do is to be honest with Him and work through your "junk" with fear and trembling. with reverence and respect, but with truth. i know He will carry me through this. but i also know He already knows how hard this will be for me and He has gone before me and will not leave me alone.

our original plan for henry was to do an amnio at 34 weeks to check lung development. if all is ok, we would deliver that day...if not, we would wait one to two weeks and then deliver him then. however, my doctors together have decided that it is not safe to wait any longer than 34 weeks, regardless of lung development. my history of two placental abruptions, one resulting in a stillbirth has urged them along to the idea of "better safe than sorry". i will get another round of steroid shots this fri/sat to boost more development and then my doctors have scheduled a planned c-section for 34 weeks, next friday most likely to bring our boy into this world....he will be premature. he will face some challenges i am sure...i pray and have prayed for God to grow his lungs SUPERNATURALLY to be ready even at 34 weeks with no troubles. i have prayed for protection from a long NICU stay...but i know His ways are not mine and i am prepared for a long road ahead....but i do know He is able. so i will continue to pray as such.....

so please continue to pray for us...for me in the hospital....missing my family, worried about them and esp liam getting the flu, worried about henry all time and missing my baby girl all the while as well.....pray for my husband as he waits along with me in this thing but at home.....pray for financial supplication through more work for him in the coming weeks. pray for our insurance to go through. pray for my mom who has put her life on hold in texas to come out here and take care of our bubba and ian and help with the house...and me by visiting a lot!! pray for my doctors as they continue to watch me like a hawk, pray for wisdom for any decisions that need to be made on the fly...

i know henry is not sydney. i know He is doing a new work in me with this new child. yet, it so hard to balance the mixed emotions of anticipating one child while still missing and grieving another....henry will NOT replace her. he can't and he won't. i long to make others understand the hard split of emotions that is this grief while pregnant thing. many will tell me i am sure, to just be grateful for henry. not to look back but look forward to the future He has for us. do not complain about what you don't have when He has clearly blessed you currently with new life......i see that. BUT sydney is as much a part of me and my past and future as any of my other children. she is a part of me. i cannot breathe without thinking about her....so i will wait for our sweet boy, so excited to meet him....but know with my mother's heart that i cannot look at him without thinking about her. i imagine only a mom who lost one and had another might understand this tricky dance, but it's there nonetheless. and i will figure it out....

pray please for my heart as well as i struggle with the decision to have my tubes tied....i cannot in good conscience do this again. it is too dangerous. i almost died with sydney's delivery. i almost left my husband and son alone....we lost a baby after sydney..this journey with henry has been wrought with fear and careful medical attention, $$$$ and insurance woes and lots of anxiety. my doctors both have advised me to "stop" and let this be it...no matter what happens in two weeks...they do not advise me to do the pregnancy thing any longer....i understand the risks and the rollercoaster journey..i am glad to get off of it..however, the idea that my job as a woman to "create and birth life" would suddenly not exist anymore is hard to wrestle with. i would love more children....i would love to try for another girl....but i will not press my luck or push for my own desires. i will be thankful and grateful for the lot He has cast for me and appreciate the family he has blessed me with...for us, adoption is always an open door for us..in our hearts. should God decide to open that door for us down the road, we shall see.....but to sign the papers to cut me for good is hard. i will do it...but it still makes my heart hurt.....praying for peace about that as well.

so here we are....a long or short two weeks ahead...i pray. i pray i can make it to 34 weeks.....thank you all for your sweet encouragement and prayer and support and love....you will never know how much it means to not have to walk this alone.