don't waste your pain.

henry's dedication was two weeks ago. it was quite harder than i thought....the idea that our family of five was not physically up there was too much for me. we forgot to mention sydney when nerves set in to speak publicly and introduce henry to our congregation and my heart sank. i felt like we forgot her. i felt like they ALL needed to know about her......it seemed to rain on henry's parade and my heart grew dark. wishing i could just be happy alone with what was in my arms, i fought back the tears until i could no more. and cried the entire service. clinging tightly to our little henry in my arms, loving him with every courageous bone i had. our grief journey is far from over. not sure why i thought it might get easier after henry's birth but it has not....it has gotten harder actually. i find myself asking why and pondering so many questions......so many feelings, emotions and hurt....even with a healthy baby here that was prayed over more than i can even imagine......so the guilt with that sets in. funny thing, it's not even about henry. he is his own person. he is not the bandaid that will heal this family. heaven is. our Savior is. to expect another child to replace one that has been lost is ludicrous and i pray everyday that henry will never feel second best. because he is not. he is our miracle child. our bright spot and sunshine in the storm. he is our blessing that we prayed for and prayed for and thought we would never get to hold......he is our tangible reminder that God is good and He is working to redeem the hurt and pain.....henry is a huge smile from heaven, a gift that makes my heart swell when i think about how lucky we are have to him. here. safe and whole and perfect. henry is our small taste of joy that we find in our Lord in the midst of fighting for Joy in this life...because he is a gift.

our family is incomplete. it will be still, until heaven. hearts will still hurt. dreams will still be lost and wondered about, for a little brown haired girl whose middle name is grace. choosing Joy over all of this and trusting God's plan for our family will be our goal, our fight and our privilege to try and try ALWAYS to let her life and death glorify the One who made her. and gave her to us. our fight is long from over......praying we don't waste our pain.