pink, pink everywhere.

do recovering alcoholics hang out with drinkers? do they fancy the bar scene or frequent the liquor store. hopefully not. part of their recovery is finding a new environment, right? new friends, new ways of dealing with stress and life's problems.

well, i am in death recovery. from losing a baby. a baby girl. and for some reason, i cannot escape baby girls right now. they are everywhere. out of about 30 friends in the past year who have had babies, i bet 25 of those little ones have been girls. i can't escape it where ever i go. the pink and the frilly are all around me, causing me to "stumble" back to my addiction. since having my tubes tied because we can't have anymore kids, pregnant women do the same thing to me. it's like an addiction i can't shake. i want more....how am i to avoid babies and pregnant women? i can't find new friends or a new environment. procreation is everywhere. and i don't want new friends. i love my friends. i want to love them more. and be happy for them. my very own best friend in the whole wide world is pregnant with her third, very possibly with a girl, so i promise this is close to home because i adore her and want God's best for her, of course. she "gets" me and understands my madness and sadness and struggle, it's nothing new for her. she's actually the only one, besides my family, who got to meet and hold sydney grace. she has been with me, literally, from the very beginning of the life and death of our baby girl. so i can say all this knowing she knows where i am coming from. she even allows me to love her 4 yr old daughter like my own and get my pink fix of clothes and dolls through her. i imagine it's hard for her to be friends with me sometimes, in all my craziness and coveting all things pink. i want to get to a place where i can be around all this pink and not have it bother me. is that even possible?

now, i am NOT mad at these pink people or pregnant people. i am NOT wishing them ill will or wanting to make them feel bad or guilty. i am however very envious. it is in my jealous heart that i sin. coveting like a thief. and for that i need help. and forgiveness. and hopefully, compassion from these pink mommas. i certainly have the same grace and compassion for my friends who are in the opposite boat as me with the boy blues. missing their boys like crazy and struggling with every blue birth announcement they receive. every new matchbox commercial they see on tv. every little pair of boys cargo pants they see at target..or for several of my friends who have lost twins, friend's announcements of two heartbeats can throw their own heart into a spell.....pink or blue..it's the same, just reversed. so hard....

i AM very thankful for the blessings God has given me, for all my children. that includes the life and death of our daughter. i praise Him for His plan, even if i don't like it.....i CHOOSE to trust Him and His ways, even when it hurts. however, i feel like an addict who keeps finding themselves back at the front doors of the bar....wanting to walk in, sit down....take in what they know their body and soul is craving. while i use this analogy, i do hope not to offend. i have no idea what it is like to have an addiction like alcoholism and i don't pretend to. it's just the closest analogy i can come up with right now...i have compassion and respect for anyone battling something that is defeating them.....for me, some days it's grief.

so, to be honest and say i have an idol, an addiction that is consuming me some days is pretty hard and humbling. i have a brand new healthy baby boy, WHOM I LOVE AND ADORE. i am to be grateful and shut up, right? no complaining? i am grateful. i am the one who walked this road the past two years. i've lost two children in between the two living ones i have now. i KNOW what it took to get here. to have henry safe in my arms....i KNOW that...i adore henry and love him with my whole being and he speaks to my heart about God's goodness and faithfulness with every kiss and coo and smile and cry..henry is a part of healing that i never even thought i would get to have again, i am so grateful for his presence in this world, in my life, in our family...still, my heart, my body and soul still crave that missing piece. i struggle so much with the fact that it is a part of grief. to see henry accomplish milestones leaves me wondering what sydney might have been like at that stage and in missing my girl and girl things pink, i descend back into despair and wanting and coveting. yet, when i meditate on it for a while, the Holy Spirit tells me that i may struggle still so much because i want her more than Him....i can't let go of the idea of a daughter. i can't let go of the idea of not ever being pregnant again. i hold onto these things with such tight fists and a hard heart sometimes, as if i know what's best. i have grieved sydney, since the day she died. i will till Heaven. but i now also struggle with grieving the end to never getting to carry another child again. for some women, this is the harsh reality they face with infertility and it grieves me to my core for them. again, i don't pretend to understand that obviously but i do have compassion and hope not to compare the two. it's just the end of many things in my head. dreams and ideas that have danced there for years and years. that i must give over to Him.

i often just can't seem to let go of what i wanted, what i dreamed of...

how are you supposed to get past losing a daughter and not raising her, a girl, when all you see is others getting to do it right in front of you? how do you get past the fact that your child bearing purpose or role is over (except adoption, of course, which i am a strong advocate for) while you see so many getting pregnant? even with their 4th and 5th kids...some even not planning for these little surprises. you can't pretend not to see it, you can't pretend not to want what they have. you have to be honest with yourself and work through it all. the ugliness and the whole bit. even as i write this, i think about my new friend who is currently on an operating table getting CANCER removed from her body. she looks at healthy people maybe and wants what they have. health. there are so many facets to coveting. i don't claim that mine is more important or more worthy than another's. it's just my own eyes and brain and heart that i deal with daily. i am seeing all this through my point of view and my experiences....never diminishing others and their journeys or struggles.

it comes down to selfishness. i want what they have. i am like a teenaged girl who whines to her parents because she wants the new fancy jeans that all her other friends have. like the kid who screams to his parent, "well, everyone else is doing it, why not me?"

when viewed in that light, it's pretty embarrassing to see myself throwing a tantrum like that. but it is what it is. it's how i feel some days. i covet and covet and it consumes me and ruins me and my pursuit in trying to becoming more like Christ. and it robs me of Joy in my God and my present day life. it darkens and blemishes the bright spots that are all around me. it will stay that way unless i work honestly to battle it and not let the flesh take over.

it is not a coincidence that so many of my friends are pregnant around me. that most of them are having girls. that i am attending one pink shower after another. i have to work through all these feelings in the midst of all that. He wants me to give over my idol to Him and tell him He is enough. that i am content with only Him. content with the life and path He has chosen for me.

i suppose i just needed to vent and get it out there. for accountability. for honesty. for confession. i confess that i am struggling big time with coveting. i pray that with God's grace i can get past this season and focus on the beautiful things around me. things that have been given to me by my Father who loves me and has given me everything for life and Godliness.