three years....

well, baby girl. your third birthday came and went. and i have to say for the most part, i survived it well. with grace. except for this morning. when i lost it. over lost stocking hats and mittens. over a silly coat fight with your big brother. and the simple fact that i wanted to be waking up a sleepy headed three year old little girl to drag her to take her brother to school today. i wanted to be able to give you a new doll. or a sweet little tea set for your birthday. but i can't. liam's sweet friend reminded me today that we can't have a birthday for you because you are in heaven. you don't need tea sets or baby dolls. you don't want or need for anything. i do. but you don't. because you are free from want. or longing. you are at peace. and perfect and whole.

oh how i miss you, sweet girl. i miss your sweet face. today was made bearable by many things. most importantly, HOPE. hope that i have in the cross and that one day i get to see you and hold you again.

it was also made more sweet and tender by your daddy bringing me flowers. to cheer up my sad heart. sweet friends stopping by to bring coffee and treats and to help me decorate for the holiday season, because it is so hard to gather the energy when i miss you so. your gram and grandpa sent you the sweetest birthday cake of flowers, just like last year. and i love that they remember you each year like that. we will release balloons this weekend with your brothers at the park and send our sweet thoughts and love your way.

baby girl. you have impacted so many in your tiny life. without even taking a breath in this world, you changed others. i am so proud of you. while i long to hold you, raise you and teach you and laugh with you and fight with you, cry with you and be silly with you; i know you are in the most wonderful hands. and i am at peace with that. my heart will be fully reconciled to that one day when we are together again.

i love you. happy third heaven birthday to you, precious girl. we miss you and ache for you daily.