tremors and aftershocks....

tremors and aftershocks...

a tremor:

(trĕm'ər)
n.

1. A shaking or vibrating movement, as of the earth.
2. A trembling or quivering effect: a tremor of aspen leaves.
3. An involuntary trembling or quivering, as from nervous agitation or weakness.
4. A nervous quiver or thrill: felt a tremor of joy.
5. A state or feeling of nervous agitation or tension.
6. A tremulous sound; a quaver.

an aftershock:

(ăf'tər-shŏk')
n.

1. A quake of lesser magnitude, usually one of a series, following a large earthquake in the same area.
2. A further reaction following the shock of a deeply disturbing occurrence or revelation.

a quake of lesser magnitude is still a quake...

ian and i watched a show recently, where these parents lost their son, killed in action, in the war overseas. we have invested in this silly show for years and have grown to love the characters, but we also felt connected simply because we know loss. choking back tears, the 'finding out' about his death scenes were hard to take, the mortuary and funeral scenes were equally as difficult. we watched as they weren't hungry for the sweet friend's meals that were brought to them, and we watched them curl up on their bed and just cry together, all of it, TOO familiar....days later, the mom is sent her son's belongings, from overseas. she sits with the huge locker of his things, his pictures and his tshirts, fresh with his smell on them and falls apart.

ian remarked at how things like that are tremors or aftershocks....the major earthquake and event happens....but down the road, little tremors happen to remind you of your loss, remind you that your loved one is no longer here, they are gone....these tremors happen ONLY to the ones directly affected, grieving and in the trenches it seems. most people have moved on and are busy about life, the nonsense of this silly life, while the hurting and the grieving are left to experience the tremors and aftershocks. for us it would be when i came home with no baby and my milk came in...or when enfamil sent me the diaper bag and formula for my new baby, or when the insurance company called months later to ask how we were doing since the birth of our daughter and if we still wanted to enroll in the free car seat program. it would happen time and time again, with events and people's remarks, seeing others get pregnant and have normal pregnancies and deliveries, baby girls being born all around me...it would happen with reading other's blogs or seeing a little girl at the store or hearing Sydney's name being yelled out at a soccer game....over and over, these tremors flood our hearts and remind us....mind you, the aftershocks are not NEARly as devastating as the initial impact. BUT they still are there, they still come and we are left to deal with them and handle them, while MANY AND MOST expect us to have moved on and moved forward....

this last weekend, i was at a baby shower. listening to all the mom's share funny birth stories, we were in a circle...it was my turn. only two friend's there knew my story and one was inside and the other i believe was distracted...i looked up, choking back tears and tried to laugh..."oh, well, my birth stories are not exactly happy and they involve scalpels and urns, so i will have to pass...." tremor. aftershock. can you say buzzkill? immediately i was the black sheep or the sad morbid one who turned the party down...the subject was changed and people started talking and laughing again. but inside, my heart, i was crying. i was different. i was odd man out. i had the dead baby story. and i also had the almost dead baby but saved in five minutes with an emergency c-section story. and then i also had the bedrest, needles in stomach everyday so baby won't die and bring him early through planned c-section followed by nicu story. i so badly wanted the window washer viewing the birth story. but no, it was not my story to tell. so i passed. i was more lifetime movie than saturday night live.

i write this to say, that even after three years...no matter where you think i am or how far i've come...no matter where you are at or how you may forget each day the loss i live with...these aftershocks keep coming. and they will, until Kingdom come.

unfortunately, we never know when these earth shattering moments are coming, that's the unpredictable nature of them, and of grief.

please be patient with knowing that...and pray for those you know who walk on uneasy, unlevel, egg-shelled, split-open land mine earth ground of grief....


"a quake of lesser magnitude is still a quake..."