project: restoration

when grief is pounding me in a hard season, i find it easier to distract and numb than really REALLy look inside my heart.. do you?

a really good thing can become an ultimate and thus become a bad thing....

while fun projects are great therapy, it's easy to get lost in projects. to check out on autopilot in the name of "being creative"...

i love new ideas and repurposing. i like to think that i repurpose my grief into productive things like writing and creating...

however, with this newly found obsession called pinterest, i have been easily stuck at the laptop for hours at 1am looking for the "next best" new idea for repurposing a chair. that i don't even have.

i love LOVE repurposing and recycling furniture and items of trash to treasure. i love design and textiles and patterns and fabric, i love fun papers and i love room designs and rearranging furniture, i love how a can of spray paint can makeover a dilapidated 2.00 chair or how a fun new paint color or fabric can change the energy of a whole room...i don't have a job OUTside the house, so i don't really have a place to escape or express or do my own thing. the house and design/decorating, crafts, etc..have always been my outlet. after three pregnancies and much bedrest and now two busy kids, i haven't had the time or energy for such lengthy projects. i suppose that's why pinterest has become so fascinating to me. i can see an idea about a mason jar and some burlap and in 5 minutes i have a new creation. it doesn't have to be a long arduous four day campaign that includes me begging ian for help with the saw...

but lately, i can see how this new fun site has really challenged me with contentment and wanting. i see so much that i want and it overshadows what i already do have..i get overwhelmed mentally with ALL that i want to do, accomplish, create...it has shown me flaws of selfishness in my heart when i am wrapped up in an idea or process of a project, even just perusing the ideas online and how when my kids are fighting or need me, it seriously feels like an interruption. i am so irritated that they aren't letting me "finish my project"...ironically, i was wasting time this morning (at 6am bc that's when henry is up these days) after reading, glossy glazed over tired eyes, looking at ideas for kitchen chairs...a new project that i want to undertake that involves paint and fun fabric and LOTS of time and money.. as i ponder WHEN i will actually have time for this, just like the other 400 things i have posted on my pinterest board i begin to get frustrated with wishing we had more money, wishing i had more alone time to get things done and wishing my home looked like the ones i see online. i was reading this one blog about a lady who was showing off all of her home projects and re-dos and how she found this item here, and that item there..flea markets, trade shows, garage sales, clearance racks at big box stores....and i immediately thought to myself, "what do her poor kids do when she is going to all these places?"...my kids can't last 10 minutes in hobby lobby. it's like they have a repulsion alarm that goes off about the time we make it to the paper section 10 minutes in....even dragging my kids to goodwill two weeks ago for a peek of something fabulous was as if we were going to the dentist....my kids wanted to ride bikes and explore out back, they wanted to build forts and color or make lego creations....how am i serving THEM when i drag them to all my fabulous sales and such for the sake of "a steal of a deal", the next best bargain....they just become my errand monkeys, fill them up with enough fast food or snacks in the back of the car just to appease them? in and out of the hot car all day, watching mom get lost in project land. no way, dude. that's not fair. and that's not a good steward of my time with them...

that's when it hit me....it was when i was sneaking a watch of henry building a block tower alone in his room this morning or later when i put down my coffee and laptop and got a book and asked him to come sit in my lap and we read together, him repeating new words...or liam asking me an important question about pride and being good at things...i realized with horror at how i was overlooking the biggest projects. my kids. they are an endless project. perhaps that's why i look to things i can "do" or start and finish with a wonderful sense of accomplishment and productiveness and yes, pride.

when i choose to fill my time with lofty ideas and endless projects to get lost in, that's what happens to me, i get lost in it. i have a hard time focusing on several things at once...so one suffers when i get lost in the other...and while disciplining and refereeing and training hearts is really really tiring and hard work these days, it's easy to see how lovely it would be to get lost with a cup of coffee in burlap world, to daydream about how fabulous that pretty farm kitchen sink would look in my home. my home and current sink that is full of dirty dishes and piles of laundry that i am avoiding while daydreaming, home full of fights down the hall and prideful hearts that need correcting while i covet in my own heart behind a screen of the latest party decorating idea or fabric inspired window treatment...all of this can make you miss the fact that your almost two year old is scaling the kitchen table or incessantly rocking the recliner to try and shake the (very mad) cat off the back of it...

all this to say, i don't think crafting is wrong. i don't think blogging is wrong. obviously, i have one. being creative and doing things for yourself, a tired hardworking mom, is not a sin. i love being creative, i love design. even writing for me is an escape, i love words and how they melt together to move the emotions and evoke images and speak truth, how they can heal....all of these things can be very helpful. and even ministry at times...it BECOMES an issue for me though when i make it ultimate and idolish and it consumes my mind and heart all the time, putting things over people, especially my kids...i can tell when it becomes an issue for me when i feel like THEY are interrupting me, as if needing a bandaid or a snack is an interruption, poor kids...i, ME, i would be happy flea marketing all day to find a 3 dollar milk glass pitcher. my boys? not so much. i would adore that, hours and hours of fun junk shopping, the thrill of the hunt and find of a .99 old door knob? how fun!...if i hunted down a steal of a piece of fabric or an old lighting fixture for 4.99, i would totally "justifyibly" be saving my family money over the 150.00 light at the store AND it would be a fun challenge for me to restore it. BUT if that's all my heart for the day is filled with or focused on, than that becomes an issue for me. and it's teaching my kids to always want as well, need vs want...and while silly messy kid crafts are sometimes not my cup of tea, i should be doing those with my kids now, while they are young and want to, rather than put them in front of a cartoon just so i can do my own, with homeschooling we have a lot of free time on our hands and we , meaning ME, needs to use it more wisely....now i also know these blog moms are probably not doing these projects everyday, all day..but it sure seems to look like that at times...i know they make huge meals, homeschool and make their own clothes and such, they are busy and do other things....BUT their homes are immaculate and organized and fabulous (online at least) looking with new things all the time it seems...i just wonder, because of my own struggles, what all that shopping and crafting costs their children. because for my kids, it costs my attention to them, it costs energy and time put into painting or gluing instead of getting on the floor with them and building the tallest baddest block tower that ever was. our husbands are affected too by this craziness. how often am i on blogs or facebook after bedtime even, which i say is ok, but doing so in total ignoring to my man who i could be talking to or sharing with...who is usually vegged out on the couch watching his murder shows anyway, that's my excuse. but that just means we BOTH need to more intentional with how we shepherd our time together and maybe it starts with me...so, not just with my time with the kids during the day, but together after they have gone to bed, i should guard my time with my husband as well.


again, i am sure many of these project goddesses have time alloted for such endeavors, weekends or after bedtimes, help from the husband or family, perhaps it's not a time issue at all...maybe their kids or even husbands don't suffer like that at all...i guess i am just seeing how i struggle with the heart issues of it all....seeking to restore all of these unwanted treasures when there are two little hearts jumping from couch to ottoman in front of me that need restoration...that need not only attention and time, but creativity and passionfilled ideas of how to restore their own hearts and train them up to be Godly men....they are the project that my heart needs to be passionate about....how much easier is it to get excited about refurnished wood and glass and fabric than having to instruct a selfish little heart that is fighting over a car or a sword, LOUDLY and pretty much flat on the floor in full tantrum? i suppose for me, to avoid conflict and get lost in pretty things or trash to treasure ideas is my escape. and i am just confessing that i struggle with it over wanting to see parenthood as the biggest trash to treasure project there is....even as i write this, i am ironically doing the same thing. stuck on the laptop while my kids run the house and make messes and fight. so i am the choir i am preaching to. this is for me. to help me be aware that my love of projects must not trump my love for the biggest most important project there is....motherhood.

notes to self:

#1: set amounts of times to be online looking at fun things and stop when the time is up, no matter what fabulous space-saving wonderful item you just stumbled upon in Utah...naptimes, after bedtimes, etc. not while you should be looking at lesson plans or planning dinner for your family or taking your kids for a walk

#2: stop comparing blogs and homes and ladies to yourself. you don't know them. and if you can't get control of this issue in your heart, you need to quit these blogs for a bit...i had to do this with blogs once before. i would be reading about dying babies in california crying and so depressed while my kids were staring at me for lunch. had to stop.

#3: be more intentional about fun things with my kids. if i love craftytime, share that with my children. it won't be martha stewart but they don't care. and neither should i.

#4: if you are going to get lost in blogdom and ignore life around you, don't be surprised OR mad when your two year old has taken a sharpie marker to the kitchen table or your eldest has buried his screaming brother beneath all the blankets you own. you are on watch and you've failed. you've taken your eye off the ball. don't take it out on them. they are bored because mom is "busy"...

#5: while i am in total support of a good mom nap or read or surfing the web during naptime, extra time around the house should be productive and serving my family, not just me. while looking for solutions to my homeschool closet might benefit my kids, i am pretty sure taking care of the dishes loaded up for two days now and the 6 loads of clean laundry that needs folding would better serve them and make our house more livable and enjoyable for now.

#6 when grief sets in like it does often, or anxiety creeps it's way to my heart, may i look to scriptures for healing and soothing rather than a piece of cake or the latest DIY to distract me from the heartwork that is needed...when i am spiritually bankrupt, i will fight the use of other counterfeit currency to get out of the red....

#7: actions speak louder than words.

#8: confess to others when i am sucking at all of the above. ask for prayer and be held accountable.

do i still want to do fun things with mason jars and white paint and fun fabric? yes. and i will. just not at the expense of my family, of my kids and my day to day routine. will i still go on pinterest and browse ideas? yes. not as much tho, but i will do so now with conviction and awareness and more carefulness of my heart...

all this to say, i think doing fun things can be great. they are a gift! and a joy! and to be enjoyed! it's when they begin to be used to numb your heart or keep you busy it becomes an issue we must look at, right? even if used not for numbing but it becomes a pride, showy off thing or look at me thing, or even just something that becomes ultimate in our lives..when we'd rather get lost in tv or computer world or fill our house with new lovelies rather than work on the state of our heart? when are struggling with parenting or a rough season in marriage, isn't that the time that these little idols and time suckers become our best friends? so that we may escape the reality and get lost in wonderland...of shopping or food, of drink or mindless entertainment, of decorating even. can't we see the irony that drips from the beautifully kept house on the outside that is falling apart on the inside? or the person who can quote every movie line known to man but not know scripture by heart because it's hard to memorize? or the thrill of a new treasure hunted for for the house while inside the fabric of your familylife is deteriorating?

you can just get to the point where the state of your house matters more than the people who live in it.

all this to say, i need to practice what i preach to my kids. people are more important than things.