becoming...

you become what you behold.

that is probably the most heavy weighted sentence i've heard in a long time.

and it came at JUST the right time for my aching heart.

you see, that sentence is great. if you are beholding the right thing.

i have long struggled with being a people pleaser. and worry. and worrying what others think of me.

then something happened. my daughter died. and i all but threw that notion away and did not care one bit what people thought of me.

crying in target? yes. deal with it. talking about my daughter AGAIN for the fiftieth time this week? get over it. i just stopped caring what others thought of me. i pursued the one thing i did care about and the one thing i knew that would sustain me. GOD.

yet lately, i have found myself really struggling with relationships. feeling like i can't keep up or live up to people's expectations. giving like 134 percent to others and loving them deeply, exhaustingly almost, only to feel like it's not returned. and thus begins the cycle of the crazy people worship. did i do something wrong? what do they think of me? is it me? is it them? do they think i am weird or too open in my heart stuggles? why don't they love me? what is wrong with me?

this sounds like 12 year old drama. it feels even more so. sadly at almost 35 years old, i sat and wondered this past week if i was the only woman who struggled with this. the anxiety and the worry. the consuming thought life that takes over. envy, comparison. anxiety. obviously i am not the only one. but the enemy would sure like me to think so....and most women just don't talk about such things.

discouraged and anxious, feeling like i should just throw in the people towel the other morning, i heard the Lord stop me and tell me something. and it both broke my heart and freed me, like weights being lifted off my heart....

"you've let people become idols to you. you have let them be your saviors, your healers, your comforters and your refuge. MORE than me. INSTEAD of me. they will let you down, but i will not. you are beholding them instead of ME...repent. and come Home child...."

i cried my way to church that morning and cried through worship. how could i have not seen it? i really thought i was loving and serving and trying to help...how do we miss that huge chunk of counterfeit and falsehood sticking out of our eye?

our pastor preached on Glory this last sunday..."God ever-increasing glory amidst ever-present weakness"...and mentioned this sentence in his message. and i was a bucket of tears once more.

"YOU ARE WHAT YOU BEHOLD."

if you feel like this place is not your home, then good. it is not. we groan and we ache for pre-Eden, for Shalom. because our hearts were MADE to commune with His, He who made our very hearts...our hearts were not made to be distracted or disobey or feel alone or anxious. and then Eden happened....heart wrecking garden trauma...and our hearts know they need fulfilling now, need a resting spot, but we now have other things to turn to and bandaid them with. trouble is, we get so distracted or so discouraged that we reach for gods up close to help us. we make them our god. people, money, food, sex, success, relationships, children, dreams....and when they let us down, we are crushed. if we are what we behold, then when we behold anything other than GOD, we are idolators. we are fakers. we behold others and we become others-focused. Lord, have mercy. this is me....

take me to the place where i rest in HIS work and not mine, where i find worth in Him and not what others think of me and there and ONLY there, am i at peace....chasing the other stuff finds me restless. not the now not yet kind of restless but the who am i kind of restless. and man, how easily i forget i am His. how easily i am crushed and forget. how quickly i focus on Me glory instead of God glory. in ALL things....

2 Corinthians 4: 1-18

"Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”a made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."



while i pray i am not the only one who struggles with this, that sounds so selfish...but my thought is this- if people, especially women in friendships, truly struggle with this, then why aren't we sharing and holding each other accountable? in friendships or marriage or even regarding parenting....why are we letting the enemy truly win these battles of the idol-heart when we know what we CAN do, what has BEEN done for us and WHO we can and SHOULD run to instead?

"you don't speak or share of Him most likely because you haven't beheld HIM..."

the sweetest of all this mess of my heart is that it all brings me closer to Him, it helps me return to Him, over and over. and He returns me to grace, the life saving and life changing grace, all over again....and there He is, the sweet and faithful, the patience and long-suffering one. the ever present one who while i try on other's love and acceptance for His own, He waits for Me and continues to pursue me, yet wait for ME with His divine patient and merciful heart.

"showcase the trophies of His grace..." i heard this weekend.

there is yet another one of mine. my idolatrous heart, ever being conformed and shaped into His.

but only because of His grace. and ONLY He gets the glory for that. not me. but HIM!