presents or presence....

we were talking the other night at community group about idols and REALLY doing some much needed heart work.

when we pray, don't our prayers usually go a bit somethin' like this:

LORD, thank you for this thing.........i am so grateful for these things.........please help me with these things.......... please help this thing change, for this thing to happen, to change something, for this person to change because of something that happened, for things to feel better, to know about more things....

you get the picture. it might as well be a dr. seuss poem full of things 1 and things 2...and things and things and things...i do believe in a GOD of details and know he hears ALL our groaning, yet i know for me, my heart has been more about them...than him.

we stumble into prayer-ness with the best motives but fumble around in the dark, selfish hearts a blazing most times right?...me, me, me...things, things.....all trying so hard to do the heart surgery that we so think needs to happen. and does SO need to happen. we are DOING the right thing..(seeking and pursuing)...but are we going about it the right way?

we search out peace in relationships, in circumstance, in feelings, in seasons, in trials....BUT do we really search out HIM.

"...when we sing, 'Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,' we are not thinking of the nearness of place, but of the nearness of relationship. It is for increasing degrees of awareness that we pray, for a more perfect consciousness of the divine Presence. We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts." A.W. Tozer

do we go in prayer, to the alter with head bowed at the feet of our Lord, to merely just sit there and BE with him? to be near him? to be in his presence? to adore?

or do we just go, again best intentions, seemingly purest of heart....to beg and plead and petition his presents upon us....even if they are important virtues such as patience, and grace and self-control that we pray for, are we really just taking our grocery list to him and looking to find joy in the checked off list prayer time, hoping that IF and WHEN those things are restored to our hearts THEN and only then will we be at peace?

IN YOUR PRESENCE LORD IS THE FULLNESS OF JOY......

even a young child knows sweetly and innately to long to be in the presence of their parent...they desire and ache for you when you are away...are we that way with our heavenly Father? do we know him enough, have we spent enough sweet time with him to know what it is to miss him if we stray?

in his presence, not his giving but just in him alone. do i go to his feet FOR things or FOR HIM?

it's caused me to really think about my heart and the why....why i pray?

because i want him to change things? even me and my heart? that's a right motive right?

yes, and we must be aware constantly that His power is there for those prayers and cries for help....but if we don't care much about the relationship or invest in the 'meeting' time and the Person we are meeting....then, isn't it all quite empty?

isn't it similar to going to coffee with a friend each week and just skimming the surface each time, never going deeper....something like a friend who just talks the whole time about them and never asks how you are? something a bit like the person who just uses you for gifts but never wants to invest in a real relationship? something like a parent who never wants to spend time WITH you but ignores you, never investing in you or asking you how you are or what your interests are...but just goes through the motions? aren't all those seemingly outwardly ok but empty inside of treasure and worth and meaning?

have i dared to treat GoD like that?

i knew after reading the chapter in community group that my answer was yes.

even after weeks lately that have been trying and the latest THREE hard days of testing and unknown, today i forgot and got discouraged. i told my husband i just didn't understand why certain things were happening, i didn't understand his plan and that i was tired of praying for things to change or work out.....he then reminded me of our talk this weekend and how just praying to meet with our Father would and should and could be enough. regardless of what happens, it's the meeting with him and drawing near that is the true comfort and peace....not in the things he does or gives...but in the Him just being him. 

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. psalm 16:11 this is grace. that He has shown me and that i can see my heart at it's truest state and know that it needs more of Him. thankful for His patience as i continue to work this out with fear and trembling and more sweet meeting time with my Friend and Father.....