A few steps away from your true path are pits of self-pity and despair, plateaus of pride and self-will.
If you take your eyes off Me and follow another's way, you are in grave danger. Even well-meaning friends can lead you astray if you let them usurp My place in your life. The way to stay on the path of Life is to keep your focus on Me. Awareness of My Presence is your best protection..."
-Jesus Calling, October 15th (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 12: 1-2)
this spoke to my heart so much today...in a season where i feel like i am either right on the true path walking with Him or two days later i am two steps off sitting in self pity about some circumstance. climbing the uphill mountain path of hard faith fight with Him or four steps off ahead of Him trying to control the hike with my pride and self-will a month later...
the part about friendships usurping God's place in my heart touched me today and reminded me of some of the hard truths i am learning. even at 35. about friendships.
here's what the above part of the devotion looks like, coming to life for me.....
when our daughter died, i clung to friends. for support. for encouragement. for truth. even for telling me to get out of bed some days. they were a huge force that He used to guide me back on the true path....it was a good thing. but sometimes a good thing can become a bad thing if you make it an ultimate thing. anything other than Him being that ultimate thing causes the dangerous 'grave danger' that is spoken about above....
a few years later, after sydney had died, i realized the hard way, when a few relationships just stopped growing or were having some growing pains, that i had put TOO much importance on these people to help keep me walking on the path. i thought they were just friends, when really, i had made them into tiny little idols in my heart and they were what made me feel loved. or not. their treatment or attention to me or lack thereof determined my worth and my value at times and most definitely my mood. i allowed this for a while in my heart until God showed me that people are not my compass for my moods or my heart. duh. He is. even when i already knew that truth, my heart forgot and forged ahead into comfort zones and neediness. (by the way, we do this with friendships, BUT also with marriage and even with our kids)...and it's when He opened my eyes to this danger, then, with yucky pride-turned-broken- humble heart that i began to search after Him in ways for protection and guidance that i hadn't much relied on Him before for that. i had allowed friends and even my husband to give me these tangible comforts of the heart. i pleaded and submitted to Him to take center of our relationship and also those relationships and see what came of it. i had allowed Him to become my true Friend again...
path walking.
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in another shaky season of our lives, of homelessness and adoption waiting and many unknowns this summer while waiting for our house, i began to see that idol come back to life in my heart. feeling so lonely and unsure of the what's and the where's of our life, feeling so left out after moving away from our lovely little neighborhood and friends of 8 years. wondering who would stick with me. who would help me through another crazy time in our lives. worried about keeping up with others and yet feeling detached a bit because my heart knew not to go there...stuck.
pit falling.
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my heart sank to pits of self-pity and despair and i became so sad. and detached and alone. where i once relied on friends to help feed my soul, i found myself , in a rural part of town here where we stayed, with little to no internet and NO phone service. MOST of the summer. most of our waiting desert time. it was comical to me as i sat in a field one afternoon watching the boys play. i had no way of reaching out to my idols, He had cut me off from them to show my need for Him. ever so timely. painful. and sweet. He was it.
i spent the next few months loving my time with Him, going to Him with all things, talking to Him, praying to Him, crying to Him, thanking Him 25x a hour for all the ways He was providing even in our desert season. He was the 'first responder' to all my needs and crisis moments because i made Him so finally. but only mostly because He knew i needed the alone time to see all of this come about and He set me in a quiet season for a purpose...ever so good. so loving. so gracious.
path walking.
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months down the line, we settled into the new-old-house and began working on the house. a flood of friends came to help us and serve us and it was so sweet. i watched it, those relationships and how friendship worked, in new ways, with new eyes. seeing the Body of Christ and our community at work, it was truly beautiful.....and when the tiniest idol-longing of my heart would flare up, i knew where to go and what to pray for to put it out....staying out of those pits that are dangerous for me, staying on the path with Him....
path walking.
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i soon felt empowered because, look at what i had done, i had conquered the friend-idols and stayed on path. good job me, i thought, so much wiser now. than before. great work. soon the walk on the path came to a screeching halt. and that nasty pride put me in my place, in a dark pit off the path. as i sat in that prideful pit, i realized and was convicted at my prideful self-willed and self-reliant thoughts. it was NOT i that had the power to keep those idols at bay, it was My Protector. why not let's give him the credit, self. not you?? can you see where even a good thing can become yucky? in that self pride pit, i began to let others dictate my moods and values again. i saw how i was initiating friendships and doing the encouraging and praying for and reaching out. truly wanting to pursue others out of a response for how loving He is to me..but if and when that was not returned in friend currency like i expected, i was crushed. trying to see where i fit in, wondering where i fit, yes even at 35, i saw that i was allowing people's reactions, or pursuing me or not and responses or lack thereof to determine my worth. my sin-self-bent-feeling like i wasn't loved or wanted by others came slamming back into focus. i had let these efforts become prideful, waiting with expectations for returned love, and soon was letting the friend-idol guide my heart instead My Counselor and Lord. my heart that once rested on His goodness and promises in His word, His benefits and unending mercies, and His sweet friendship...soon became wrought with bitterness, jealousy and envy and such despair and self-pity. so lost...
pit falling.
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awareness. conviction, confession. repentance. path walking and pit falling. path walking and feeling His hand leading me, there before me, guiding me and i'm so at peace. and then pit falling...all of the sudden i am the three year old who stops to look at the bug on the path and chases it. chases it so off path, distracted and curious, and soon finds themselves lost or way off the path. and missing my Daddy, my Guide.....such a cycle.
allowing Him to be center again AND be truly aware of His Presence and working to give Him praise and Glory in all things at all times, helps me find My Path Leader again...my heart knows this rhythm and grooves back to this beautiful beat. even when the heart-metronome gets off beat, so full of Joy and thanks TO Him for allowing me to SEE all these heart idols and pride pitfalls. it IS loving that He does this. so grateful that He is at work in my yucky heart and won't give up on me. He is so faithful and patient. and long suffering to this rebellious-three-year-old-path-wanderer-and-otherthings-chasing of a child of His. so patient. because this cycle will continue...it's the now not yet cycle.
yes, the cycle continues. BUT the thing to remember is that the stepping or sometimes falling off the path has NOTHING to do with His faithfulness but ALL to do with our wills, our hearts and our flesh-fight. we have choices that we are to make every day, every hour to choose Him. or self. choices of trust, obedience and resting, and utter submission. and that's where we have hope. because if it's not about us, then we can just let go and let him lead. give in with glad obedience to a path Guide Leader who knows the way and the path BEcause HE's the one who made it and planned it. and knows where it leads. and how to walk it....
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i share all of this, like most things here...humbly and struggling with my fear of man, worried what others will think, will i be judged? does anyone else struggle in this area?
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yet, the more i talk with other friends on this subject, i see that i am not alone. and neither are any of you if you do so as well. if you struggle with these things...there is hope..in the fullness of Him there is hope. and joy. and peace.
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THANKFUL FOR SUCH GRACE TODAY. PATIENT LOVING GRACE. ONLY A LOVING FATHER WOULD KEEP PICKING US BACK UP OUT OF THE PITS AND SET US BACK ON SOLID GROUND. WE do have a great and wonderful Guide, Leader and King!!
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