shadows and light....

funny how small things can look or feel....

and then once they are put in front of a light, however small the light, the shadow can grow giant-like and fill the space before it.....

been feeling pretty small lately, struggling with truly enjoying the 'struggle' seasons in parenting....feeling like i am missing the point most days, failing in the patience arena and falling short in the kindness department. worried that i am not presenting them the true gospel life that i want them absorb and believe in...somedays, i'm just honestly overwhelmed with the fact that we have two little souls to shepherd each day, train and teach and hopefully FILL them with the love of Jesus, and SHOW them what that looks like.

my flesh will fail. and GOD is my portion forever....

yet somedays, i forget that truth. and i sink into smallness. and feel so unworthy.

last night, henry and i continued with our new nighttime routine...the one i started, since we no longer have a rocking chair/glider in his room...where we 'dance' together while i sing hymns to him. in the dark, quieting our hearts together and getting ready for rest.....he snuggles deep into my chest and lays his head on my shoulder and i sing...and i dance. and sway.....it's our special quiet time....

last night, i noticed i was standing facing the dark wall...and something happened when i turned around dancing towards the light.....me feeling so tired and weary after a day of parenting, trying and failing....some wins of the will and some losses of the will. some battles of the heart and some victories of the heart. many patterns of confession and repentance spoken over and over.....just standing there with this tiny person in my arms, i felt the literal weight of his body and then his soul in my hands and my heart just sank. am i doing enough? am i doing a good job? am i teaching them anything? am i showing them in my actions what my Jesus-heart says i believe? am i enough for these boys?

i turned around. into the light and back again to the lit wall...and as my body swayed to the right, my heart and mind went with it. and i knew the answer was no.

as i swung our bodies around, my eyes fell on the lit up wall before me. behind us was his night light now. and soon before us was the most beautiful jack and the beanstalk-life sized-willow tree-momma/son-angel on the wall before me.....merely just the two of us standing in front of it, cast the biggest shrek-like giant momma/henry shadow there ever was! my heart melted and my eyes filled with puddles in a knee jerk reaction to see the silhouette before me....a momma, rockin' with her boy in her arms, swaying to "how deep the father's love for us...." the shadow of that woman looked so big to me now, that child was soon big enough in the shadow that you could see how he melted into his momma. they were one.....the once so small feeling woman soon grew large in stature on that lit up golden wall. the answer to my question was still no. it should be. because only the Light made me appear to be bigger, the Light cast me into a hallmark-angel-wooden-looking creature when i really still felt the same tired momma, but the truth was that the Light changed the image.. ....but only because that light, ever so small, plugged into that wall, was shining behind us, casting us much larger in sight than we appeared to really be.

my heart swelled with the sweet powerful truth that little light reminded me of. in such a simple moment. on my own, in the dark, i am me. just plain old struggling, feeling-small me. because that's what i am. weak....fleshly weak. a tired momma who can't do it alone...why do i try to do it alone?

yet, with Light behind me, before me and all about me, i was made to feel bigger and see more aptly what that person looks like in the presence of that Light. strong. big. not because of me. but because as a result of the Light source... i could even see the momma and son image more sweetly in the big shadow...the boy wasn't pointing fingers at momma and saying you didn't do enough for me today, you failed momma, big time. NO he was melting into those momma arms and dancing with her, enjoying her embrace and safe cozy cuddly arms and tender voice....all he cared about was that i was there. all the tired and the fighting and the frustration melted away as He gave me grace eyes to see the tiny-person-child before me, in my arms, so sweetly. the child that i grabbed even tighter as i enJOYed him.

i inhaled grace. and mercy. and all the beautiful soul medicine that He intended for me in that silly little night light- light show. i knew that i would only stay as big as the shadow, while in the dark, as long as the light was on me. hide anywhere else in the recesses of that room and i would get lost in the dark....BUT oh the sweet light, that silly little night light. reminding me that i will never be enough for my kids. i have Jesus who is already all those things they need, and i just need to rest in him, trust him, let him light my path and literally my feet and steps, lean into him and love him. and make sure my kids are watching......and seeing the Light-man that i follow...

"For his sake Iehave suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having fa righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but gthat which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—" Philippians 3:8-9

who knew that such sweet nighttime routines could shine so much mercy on a tired soul?

glory be. glory be!