he gives.....

i live in a world...where He gives and takes away.

painful reminders have flooded my heart about that in the last 48 hrs.

He gave her to us.....

and He took her away.

my heart is slammed today with the can't breathe-heart-pain, as this month leading up to her heaven day is like hauling a load full of bricks around in my heart.

the tears are wipeable some days and can be pushed aside...even last night, i could do this.

but today. they flow. and with them come memories. and sights and smells. and sounds and the feeling of her sweet body in my arms. and i am just all done. spent and undone.

he gives and takes away.....so he does. can we sing those words and truly be HAPPY about them?

some days i can. most days i can and do. i trust them and know them, imprinted on my heart to be reverently true and holding weight. He is sovereign. and i submit to Him. and His ways.

others, like today, it's a hard fight not to count them lies....

so today, as i prayed for His truth to flood my heart, and fill the spaces that were aching and hurting and longing for my daughter, i prayed for Him to remind me of his goodness and faithfulness and steadfast love and mercy.

he gives and takes away i thought....i sat there staring out the window.....ugh, i hate those words. for me and my family, those aren't a trite matt redman song. they are painful truth that we carry each day....

i gazed out the window, tears falling, the kind you just let roll down your face, you don't wipe them because somehow they blanket your face in a way that feels real and raw and important. sacred. you don't wipe these tears...these aren't shame tears or guilt tears. these are heaven tears.

heaven. oh sweet gracious Jesus heaven......

and the flooding came...again. except this time my mind and heart shaped those song words in a different way...a different light, the way light shines through the window and makes objects or even a paint color on the wall different...

he gives and takes away....

he gave us creation and life.

he took away empty.

he gave us jesus. 

jesus took away our sins.

he gave us the cross, a way out.

jesus took away the sting of death.

he gave us victory over sin.

jesus took away the power of the curse.

he gave us death, so that jesus in it, could take away the wall. between us and our Father.

he gave us LIFE and freedom and peace...but jesus had to take away the sin to do so. and he did.

yes, he does give and take away.....things like loved ones that are precious are given and yes they are taken...

but because he GAVE his life....and TOOK AWAY our death sentence to be his own...those words were enlarged for me today. they bring new meaning to the verses that i used to sing.

all things created are his. all things are in him, through him and because of him. they are his to do with and allow and govern, decide about, ordain and orchestrate. always for good, usually painfully so.

but Jesus, for our good, painfully so, gave...and took away...

and that's my only Hope on a day like today. that wonderful sweet blessed Glory cross is my give and take away that brightens and shines in my heart on days when dismal gray and heavy black give and take away seem to be abound...

blessed be His name when I'm found in the desert place.......blessed be His name.