now i lay me down to sleep...

i was watching liam sleep last night....we have been trying to transition henry into "crying it out" from "waking and eating every 2-3 hours at night" mode....so with only two bedrooms, our latest attempt has been to bring liam into our room and let henry scream and the three of us won't be "too" woken up by it.....it seems to work. henry is going back down within 2-5 minutes and the three of us are sleeping a bit more...well, ian and liam are at least...someone has to get up and check on H man....

so, i laid next to liam last night as he was sleeping soundly and peacefully and i began to pray for him....pray for his heart, his soul and his salvation. i prayed for his will and his spirit and his future, his future spouse, his future choices...his mind, his courage, his faith that amazes me..i prayed over him and found myself praying that my child would never have to suffer. and with those words, i realized that it was an impossible prayer. my child, while living on this fallen earth, will suffer much as a result of the fallen state of this world and our sinful nature. i cannot stop it, prevent it or pray it away. not until Kingdom come, will that all be redeemed. God's will for our lives brings joy AND suffering and we are to endure it and walk through it. i have walked in my own shadows of suffering, so i know what this means. but to look at my 5 yr old and realize as a parent, a loving parent who would do anything to keep pain from their child, i will have to watch my child suffer in many ways in the years to come....emotional. spiritual...etc.

it's hard to even write this because it hurts to imagine but i trust that a sovereign God, who created my child in His image and for His good, will in fact bring forth good and purpose in such pain and will use it all to His glory and for His kingdom and i have to be ok with that....then my thoughts and my heart went immediately to our God. as a Father, did He not endure the most awful of suffering in watching His own child suffer? as our Heavenly Father, does He not continually endure our own sufferings with us when we struggle with trials and tragedy and pain?...as much as i cringed to think of my own child hurting, i realized that my own God feels that times a gazillion when He sees His own creation, His sweet children in pain...and it drew me to Him and made me feel loved. that two years ago, when Sydney was taken from us and we suffered so deeply and darkly and our hearts were so badly broken...He was there, hurting and crying with us and for us...just like i would be if i had to watch liam or henry be in pain....it was an awe inspiring idea for me to connect those dots. it made me feel adored and cherished as a child of God....

i also realized that as i prayed for both of my sons the most impossible prayer of the avoidance suffering that somehow, in the most ironic of beautiful dramatic poetic irony, that my prayer had come true for one of my children....for our daughter. yes she is at Home. not with us. BUT that sweet precious girl did not have to endure one second of suffering or pain in her lifetime....she was ushered straight into glorious eternity painfree.....

so as i prayed over our eldest son last night...God granted me the most wonderful of images and heart whispers that covered my soul with peace. and with joy. and with love......