sunset

as i was driving tonight....sunset melting into the desert before me, i was looking at my rearview mirror to see a little pudgy round face boy grinning back at me. no longer a baby, but a little boy it seemed. he grinned and smiled and bashfully played coy, called out 'my momma' and gazed back at me with his big saucer blue eyes. a song was playing in the car and the words fell on my heart and grabbed me.

'you were made for so much more than this...."

"you are more than the hurt that you feel right now..."

i flashed back to many nights of me on the floor, head in hands, tears soaking the carpet...crying out to a confusing God. "what have you done, Lord?" pleading for mercy. "Lord have mercy" were my only words some nights....

flashforward to now. my third little one beaming at me behind me, a painted everycolor sunset blasted upon the sky's canvas for me to search....and the truth of the words being sung to me all stirred into this gracious little potion of a moment. where i realized and yet knew and was reminded...that religion will not save you from the depths of hell, it will not free you from the darkest night or most evil of bondage. laws and rules don't comfort a hurting empty armed momma. religion and it's ways don't spell out grace in the sky to a lost soul wandering in the desert land of life.

only a God who has resurrection power, who could raise a dead man to life...could heal the broken hearts of his children, deliver them from darkness into light...and ultimately eternal salvation. Jesus conquered the grave so that He could have victory over death. and that our Syd's grave could be conquered as well. no religion or laws or rules can do that. a sinless man died, so that we could be redeemed and saved from a life without Him.

He is the only reason I have hope. He is the only reason I still have breath. He is the only reason I have peace....because the JOY of the Lord is my strength, not laws or rules or religion. my relationship with God took a devastating detour the day my daughter died. i was angry and bitter and felt i was owed something....and since then, He has met me at every impasse and road block, every stubborn and bitter tantrum, each and every time with grace and patience. He has shown me that He is real, He is who He says He is.

i have joined Christ in his death and suffering. i might not have asked for it or wanted it. but i am honestly aware of the blessing of suffering and what that means. what that looks like now.

i can hear a song about an amazing God, a powerful God and a merciful God and i can say, 'i know that God. i don't just know about Him, I know him. i just talked to him like 5 minutes ago, he is the wiper of my many tears, the holder of my fragile heart...he has seen me at my darkest ugly and called me beautiful, he ordained all the days of my life before i was even born, he listens to me whine and is ever patient, he speaks life into this dead heart and he makes beauty from the ashes of this crazy life, he defends me and counsels me. he shelters me from God knows what and comforts the most hidden of my hurts. he paints the sky and calls me to notice him in all things. he is my rescuer and my biggest fan, he is for me...i know him to be who he says he is because when i had nothing else, he was there. when i was at rock bottom, he was there.

he was there with me when i walked through those hospital doors and he was there with me when i grabbed ian's chest, in wailing and gnashing and moaning, as i heard those fateful words. he was there with me when i said goodbye to her and had to hand her over to a stranger and leave her for good and walk away, yet ian had to carry me. he was there with me on the floor of my kitchen, puddle of tears and ugly flowing snot. he was there with me when i begged him to take me home. he was there with me when i started asking why and wanted to know who he really was and argued his goodness at all. he was there in the form of so many friends and family, who held our hands and hearts, in ugly grief filled pain. he was there beginning a new heart in me as i wrestled with my faith and longed to have him heal my heart. he was there with me when he created me and he was there with me when i was born again in Him. he redeems. he does. he redeems the ugly heart and unloveable self and transforms. because he gives new life. he is creating you and me to be the image of Him and refining us every step and fall and trial of the way....he IS at work, always.

some may be quick to point out that some of my healing came in the form of henry..."he gives and takes away. and gave to you again, alyssa....that's how you have begun to heal? NO. my healing began at the foot of the cross. and it won't be fully complete until His kingdom comes. my heart will always be aching for her and broken, but it's not shattered in pieces like in the beginning because he has picked up the pieces each day, over the last three years, and is holding them for me until i see her again, gently and safely holding them. my hope-of-healing began when i realized that an ugly painful death on a wooden cross sealed my fate, my hopes and my destiny. a loving Godman took my place and made it possible for me to even call out to my God and have him hear me. the Servants death made a path for healing and restoration to even be possible for His children, the very ones who had sinned against him. that hope alone is what has brought me back to life in Him. pointed my hurting heart heavenward and reminded me of the Joy set before me...henry or no henry, that truth remains. the sweet birth of our second son, following the death of our sydney, only serves as a beautiful 'icing on the cake' or extra gem of mercy that He chose to bless us with. we didn't deserve it but we were blessed with it regardless. and i believe in God blessing us it is extra sweet because he knew we would see it as a symbol of his hope and promise, not as our false saving grace or replacement or total healing, but as a tangible sign of his goodness towards us. healing comes from within, the heart can't be fooled with stand-ins or fakery. a heart bent towards it's creator will know instinctually and naturally where to find solace and hope and peace, it will find it's true north just like a rusty old compass. and that has been my experience....

he has been faithful to keep adding a healing balm of layers of grace onto my hurting heart as he reveals more of Himself to me. and i am ever aware of his doctoring skills on this messy heart more and more these days and most importantly, i am learning too that it's not about me at all, not about me and my story.. it's about Him and his story..and how his story affects my story and IS my story....it is all for HIS glory and His kingdom, not our own, but His. because i chose to trust. because i chose Joy. His strength over mine wins out, truth wins out over rollercoaster fleeting emotions and wavering feelings.....i let it go. and decide to trust him at his word. and let him have this ugly messy aching heart....and let him do with it what he wants.

knowing Him this way makes my heart yearn to do good things, great things for His kingdom, to thank him somehow with the way i live my life, to be forever indebted to him for the grace he has shown me and continues to show me...with the choices i make, how i love, to love the least of things, look after His orphans and widows, love radically and selflessly and care for each other, love BIG and die to self and ego and live a life that honors and glorifies him and always points back to him...and not make this life just about me. because it's not.

because it's about Him. not me. but i only know all of this because it's in my heart. not just my head. and i know this because i know who he is...not just about him. he is not just a belief. he is the comforter and counselor and redeemer he claims to be.

all because of a grin and a sunset..a reminder....i knew this to be true tonight...