thankfulness...

so, recently, i bought this book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. it is quite beautifully up there with some of the most spectacular writing i have ever read. it is honest and raw, it is poetic and melodic. it is poignant and breathtaking. the words she uses, when she chooses to use them, how she uses them..the way they fall off your tongue and jump in your heart....well, it is just an amazing experience so far and i am only 1/4 of the way through it.

the book deals with loss and tight-clenched hands, too gnarled in pain to hold grace....and what happens when a heart cultivates gratitude and how the hands unfurl and relax and let go and become cupped and ready to receive and give again....she begins a process where she intentionally ponders things, 1,000 things, she is grateful for, throughout her day and how it melts her heart and the pain and bitterness and numbness crumble apart with the clouds of thankfulness that are on her mind in a consistent pattern...

we each started a gratitude journal in our family and i pray that it will melt these still-hurting hearts that sometimes look at what we are missing and cause us to focus more on what we do have in the gifts He gives us each day.

last night, i lay in bed, thinking about this. regarding our sweet syd.....and my heart began to beat faster, in the rhythm it makes when He is talking to me, and He laid these things upon my heart...He reminded me of the things i do have. and i wondered for a while what He might also have spared me from....even more grief.

"yes, she is gone. yes, she died. yes, you are without her. and your heart is broken. i was there."

BUT..

"your first son, ALMOST died. it was so close. he almost died. and he didn't. he lived."

"your second son, was brought six weeks early with many doctors and

medications and testing done daily, to bring him safely enough that he would survive. and he did. he didn't die. he lived."

"you could have three urns on your shelf right now. but you don't."

"i know you still have one. and i know it hurts. and i know what it's like to lose a child."

"and while i breathed life into ALL of your sweet little ones in your womb all these years back, i AM breathing life daily into the hearts of your two boys today. and tomorrow. and you have two little souls to care for....i know it's not three. it's not what you want or would have desired. i wanted them all for you as well, one day, love, one day...but you do have two little souls. instead of none. instead of empty arms, you do have two little ones that long to be in yours. i know it's not three, but it's two. not zero. and i want these two to bring you joy here on earth and be cisterns for My love and My grace, vessels of compassion and wonder and love, Christ's love. i want them to follow hard after me and be men of my own heart, love. you have two to train. i know it's not three, but it's two. not zero."

when i mediate on God's goodness and try to cultivate a heart that is thankful, and grateful and humble in His gifts for me, then i can see this. i CAN see this, i feel it and i know, with all the pain i have felt and still struggle with as i miss my daughter...i know this only comes from Him and from Him, blessing my efforts to live in gratitude. it conquers many things. worry, anxiety and so much more.

today, thankfulness has conquered my UNcontented heart. a heart that wants more and more.

today, gratitude shows me, that what i DO have, is a gift from above. two gifts. three gifts, really. two gifts here. one waiting for me above that shows me constantly how brief and beautiful life is, breathing is..... and i am blessed.