free will love...

it is always a joy for me to hear the words "i love you" returned to me after i give them away. whether it's my husband or my kids, whenever i hear the words, it melts my heart. it brings me great joy as well, more maybe, when it's said to me on it's own, not merely just as a response....

the other day, i was putting henry down for his nap. i rocked him for a bit and then snugged him up close to me and whispered "i love you"...we rocked some more and i carried him to his crib and laid him down. he curled up into his cozy blankets and grabbed his monkey and closed his eyes.

(this is where i then zip him up...zip up his crib tent, so loudly and forcefully it's almost hilarious as it ruins the quiet sweet moments. but alas, it's for his own good and safety and assures mom a good nap time.)

i walk to the door and as i turn the handle, henry yells out "momma?"......and right after i answer yes, he says..."nah-nu" and turns back over.

even though it was a little mixture of both "response" and "on his own", it felt like free thinking for the first time and it made my heart sing....he thought about it for a bit and chose to say it. he wanted me to know how he felt. not just like a little robot who feeds the line right back just so he can simple get free of momma's embracing tight hugs or 20 kisses and keep playing, but he seemed to really say it on his own. and that free will love you meant the world to me.

as i walked down the hall, floating it seemed, i couldn't help but think how God must feel when we free will love, free will praise and adore Him. on our own. not in mere response to good things happening or things promised or to come. not as robots who are trained over time and not just going through the motions, even as obedient as we think we are. how much more does it fill the Father's heart to hear we love him JUST BECAUSE? in response to his love. period.

sometimes in our fledgeling sojourn on earth we get into patterns of cause and effect, work/reward.....it is so easy to get into a complacent place of thinking that God knows that we love him. but ALL of us know, that even though we know our spouse loves us, the words, repeated over and over in our lives, bring refreshment and joy each time we hear them, they renew us and remind us and they are a sign that we belong to them....we know that when our kids tell us the same thing, it reminds us of why we do what we do and fills many an empty parenting tanks from days full of discipline and correction and mundane chores.

i was motivated by this small henry moment, to tell my Father i love him more. in trying to be intentional this year with gratitude and thankfulness, i think that falls in line with the same idea. tell him you love him. tell him you are thankful for the sun shining just right through the curtains while you do the dishes, as it warms your face and beams light onto your face. to thank him for your children's laughter down the hall, especially knowing that in 5 seconds it will be replaced with possible crying and fighting, but for now laughter, sweet laughter, thank him for conflict that leads to peacemaking that leads to reconciliation with your spouse, friend or family, thank him for the baby up at 3am because while rocking him you hear a name of someone who needs prayer whispered gently in your heart, thank him for the wonderful warm cozy tea moments in the afternoon when all the kids are napping and you have a little time to reflect and regroup, thank him for the crayon picture that was made for you covered in juice and peanut butter that says i love you and shows little heart and hand was thinking of you, their hero, thank him for the moon that shines so brightly at night, like a nightlight in the dark sky, that causes you to marvel at his creation....thank him that you can call on him to help you forgive someone who has hurt you when you realize you can't do it on your own....thank him that in grief and suffering and dark days, it only draws you closer to him and shows your need for dependence on him. thank him for the comfort and mercy he shows you, when you call on him even when you don't know what to say....

i have a journal out on my countertop. open and ready for access. for all these moments to be recorded and written down. listed by number, counting one after the other...i've been doing this since last summer and it has changed my world....i count these moments for him but also for me. as i keep counting my gratitude on paper all day, it forces and redirects my mind to look for more, more to be thankful for, more to praise him for..more aware of him in every moment, every argument, every brotherly fight and even while doing dishes...gratitude and thankfulness are the best antidotes for worry and anxiety. and they conform our mind to focus on him as the giver of ALL things...in intentional thankfulness, we see him in the beautiful moments he gives us, the little everyday ones, even the hard ones. and then we are hopefully living in a day full of ..."man, i love you GOD...." not because he's answered our prayer wish list or "granted" us things like a genie. but because he chooeses to love us in so many creative and unique ways all day long, we simply respond back to such grace. with i love you.

something i am thankful for today is being a part of the mom blogging community. such great encouragement and fellowship. today begins a link-up monday with my friend ruth at gracelaced! she has such great wisdoms and experience and shares her vulnerable heart and growing family and faith struggles and recipes and thankful moments..in words. so take a moment and go find her and many other great fellow faith sojourners who are joining in as well!