coasting grace

we took a morning family bike ride together. in celebration of daddy's day off and the ushering in of spring.....

we set off into the sunshine on our bikes, cool breeze in our faces and happy smiles for the adventure ahead.



about 4 miles in, i realized, after pulling 40+ pounds behind me from the henry cargo trailer, that my legs were jello and i was tired. and just about then was a giant hill. i wanted to roll gently backwards and just go home but that was not a choice. i pumped and pumped and worked my way up that hill with massive force and determination and looked ridiculous doing so but i made it.

the next little bit of the ride was beautiful. beautifully easy. sun rising, mountain to the east and a little sheep pasture to the left...my sweet family riding before me, liam doing tricks on his bike and me gliding effortlessly on the path. enjoying my surroundings and nature abounding.....taking it all in.

but then... two more steep hills of torture for me and cargo henry and hard work and toil were there again. and i wanted to quit. again. head down and self-focused and sweating and hopefully burning off last night's girl's night out feast! but soon then, the gentle reprieves of grace and nature and strolling forward returned and i exhaled and relaxed.

about mile 5 or 6, massive gails of wind were hitting us which made for wall like forces as you were riding. which made the steep hills seem even more insurmountable. i really just wanted to quit. i found it almost impossible to keep going. almost.

and i instantly thought about the last four years. about how many times i wanted to quit. just give up. this suffering and grief ride was too much some days. too much work. some days just seemed too impossible, some emotions too overwhelming, her absence too daunting and empty.....

and then days would come, where God seemed to let the storm rain 'let up' for a bit and the sun shone on us and the warmth of the pain free moments brought us nuggets of healing and mercy, we felt like we could breathe or laugh. even for a few hours or even a long day's worth of grace. it was like coasting. peace. serene peace.




and then soon it was back to the hard work. the heart work and pain laboring process of ugly sifting of sad and angry. such hard work. but to figure out who God was in all of this, we had to do the work. not 'law' type work but walking forward and wrestling with questions and the tears and the emotions and the what if's.....so many times i wanted to quit on that steep hill of death.

but i couldn't. and He wouldn't let me. (and Praise God He didn't quit on his steep hill walk of death either, right?)

for a long time going forth, i would have a harder time dealing with stress and grief and drama. i've been told surviving intense traumas can affect a person that way. the brain just can't seem to take it all in. and post traumatic stress plays a huge role as well...

even in the coasting times, i was anxious and fearing what was around the corner. not ever fully enjoying the fullness of the coasting mercy that comes in His gifts of many blessings and sweet moments and the Cross shaped grace, because all i could focus on was the work. and the pain. was my head always down and self-focused? was i missing all the beautiful scenery that was passing me by?

in the past year, i've really tried to let the coasting grace rain-free times come and enjoy them and then when the work in the storm comes, hunker down and just get to work.


bible. pray. fellowship. prayer. patience. bible. confession. repentance. restoration. grace. lessons. humility. discipline. grace. patience. mercy. awe.


and eventually, get to the place where they co-exist. hard heart work and the coasting down the hill like a little kid feeling. they ebb and flow but live together. always looking for thankfulness around every turn, defeating the stealing and fleeting joy monger that is the enemy with aggressive intentional gratitude. choosing to find every moment as grace, as lesson learning and purifying. is it still uphill work, that choosing? yes. but oh the sweet fruit that comes with careening down on the other side....free falling almost. because He's got you.....this is the "enjoying" the fullness of Him and His creation and His gifts....and truly seeing them. everywhere and in everything.


today's ride reminded me of how great it feels to coast down the hill after working so hard to get up to the top. to enjoy the breeze in your face and ease of ride. to labor and try your hardest to make it, even when you want to quit.....and then to truly embrace the grace that is the free riding and grace coasting in the fruit of your works and toil knowing you gave it your all..

isn't that how faith works too? we DO labor as we trust and wrestle and fight for joy and Truth. it's hard heartwork. but then there are seasons or even just days where things seem bearable, seem to be easier, coast-able maybe...not autopilot, don't get me wrong. BUT a merciFULL time in space where you see your kids laughing together out the window or you dance with your husband in the kitchen to oldies and you laugh. and it's ok. to just be. and enjoy.




you don't have to be in the trenches all the time. it's ok to enjoy the fruits of your heart work. He knows our hearts forget so easily, spiritual amnesia at times when we begin to fear or doubt or become massively overwhelmed with sadness and grief....He sends rain puddles to dance in and fishing ponds to sit at with your boys and fun meals to cook with friends as you serve them, a sweet card in the mail from your mom just because, a stolen sunset with hands held and spring around the corner as little buds make their way through frozen ground now. He's constantly giving us "coasting" moments that say, here, enjoy ME.

kick up your heels as you take your feet off the pedals and just soar. into times and space of grace and comfort and healing. into streams of mercy never ceasing and deep calling to deep....