no comprende...

i really have no way of understanding how this world works. i am struggling with some thoughts right now and i have to be honest and get them out and work them out...

i am struggling with the idea of justice. and why some things happen to some people and others seem untouched. it sounds selfish as i write this, it sounds whiny and pointless to even ask these questions, as if i have the right to question my God and how he runs the show anyway..but that's the amazing thing about our God..that He allows us to have fists in the air and wrestle our fears and questions out as we rage or cry or scream at Him..he lets us have our toddler like tantrums as He looks to us in Love and with Grace and lets us work our way back to Him...he wants us to choose that, right...instead of programming us like robots to just comply and walk in a trance...he would rather us fight it out, honestly, nitty-gritty, even ugly sometimes with anger or despair..if it gets us to the point of brokeness or humility and utter repentance and devotion to Him...i know all of this yet i still struggle with the day to day battle with how the scales of justice fall here on earth...

why many of our idiot friends smoke packs a day (what? i think smoking is plain stupid-putting something you know is toxic in your body, over and over, all day long is beyond logical to me and sounds idiotic) while someone like dana reeves, who never smoked, dies of lung cancer so young?????

why some people abuse their children something awful or "leave or forget their babies in hot cars while they go drink in bars" and get to be parents while others like this sweet friend has their parenthood cut short...her daughter is taken. she does not give her away or abandon her or hurt her, her baby girl is simply taken in death back Home, while my friend's heart breaks here on earth with empty arms.

why ian and i are patient in the walmart parking lot as cars whiz around us and cut us off and almost hit us, the one that nearly misses us, gives US a death look and then spits on our car window as he passes...we grit our teeth and keep driving and move on, but angrily want to pound the guys face in...but we don't. of course.

why some people get to have babies and other's don't. i see so many in hollywood who "accidentally" get pregnant with their boyfriends of the month and get blessed with wonderful pregnancies and beautiful healthy babies while married couples i know struggle with infertility for years. i know several teens and young adults, even right now in my own life, 3 or 4 of them, who have made choices that led them to get pregnant unplanned and while i love them so much no matter what...i am perplexed as to why their "unplanning" choices lead to a sweet little life being born while my friends who are married and doing it the "right" way as many might say ("right" as far as getting married first, family planning, making a home, saving money, etc ) keep miscarrying and having babies die repeatedly and suffer year after year. or why ian and i were denied that privilege of being a parent with sydney as well why 15 and 18 year old kids get it instead...i know God is in control of all of this and i know he can make Good come from bad choices and His grace is there for anyone who believes in Him regarding the unplanned pregnancies...i am not judging, but i am questioning as to why life works this way...where and why His will causes so many to be hurt and suffer while so many others seem blessed...i know my mind is working with fragments of thought right now, i don't claim to make much sense of what i am writing but i know my heart hurts for those who suffer and i fight selfishly to not get mad at the ones who keep "getting blessed" in the midst of their questionable choices...still Grace is there from the God who gives it and if anything i have learned this last year is to let it go and stop trying to figure it all out, because i am not supposed to. yet, i am human and i fight with it everyday to gain that control back..to know why and if and when, etc.

i guess i am always a fan of the underdog...and all i see when i look around sometimes is the underdog continually getting kicked in the gut, over and over...while the "others" prosper, are blessed or added to...maybe i have it all wrong, maybe i am just too in the middle of all of this emotionally to think straight..i know my flesh is weak and i give into the emotional voice inside my head and heart but i know i want to scream "it's not fair" so many dang times, it seems like the boy who cried wolf...it won't matter...because it is what it is.

i have to remind myself that God allows things for His purpose, not ours...for His glory, not our own...and i have to remember that the scales of justice will be equaled out one day when He returns for us...

i read on a friend's page recently this quote.."in the end, everything will be ok.. if it isn't ok, it isn't the end.."

please help me, Lord, to pray Your will, not mine....i MUST meditate on this today and cement it in my mind....help me to not ask questions of Who You Are or Why You Do what You Do but more, How can i be more like YOU...i know i am allowed this privilege of questioning in my faith but i want to just know it and be at peace and have unshakeable faith and not need to be questioning everything around me all the time...i am helpless against this fear and questioning but You are not. let my faith replace my fear and my need to know why be quieted with your spirit...let me have peace in You instead of peace in the sorting out of things and time and life...it is not my job to do this sorting...help me change the focus of my eyes on situations to a focus on You...

"the Lord is kind and does what is right; our God is merciful..."