mercy.

oh goodness, i don't even know where to find the words.

i struggle with anger and pain and disappointment. for me, yes... but mostly for ian.

a supposed friend of ours, one of ian's mates, a co-partner in a dream alongside my husband...one day he is there, the next he is gone. all done. no adult length conversation, no deep introspective explaination...just a lame text, after years of a friendship and suddenly with a cowardly text it is "no more for me, he says. i am out. keep in touch, peace." not necessarily in those words, but you catch my drift....it's a long story, one i won't go into here but know that a wound was left.

that cheap awkward adios created the wound but the salt poured into it later was unthinkable and unforgettable...forgiveable? i am trying...

childish exit from a relationship? YES, that leaves anger but the pain came for both of us after sydney died. from him, from them? nothing? not even a phone call to my husband when his daughter dies. when he loses his heart and it breaks on the floor and shatters into a million pieces...no call, no email, no card, no text...i know they know what happened last november, they were told by others i know this for sure..i know they know our address, our numbers...we even sent them a christmas card with her picture on it...they know what we lost.

so, after all this. after all is said and done. i have tried so hard to pray away the anger and my hard feelings toward this man who hurt my husband, who caused my husband's respect of him to wither away....

after all this, he sends my husband a picture of his newborn baby daughter today?...really?

any other time, i would be ok. any other person, i would be fine. had they just reached out and sent us a "sorry for your loss" anything, this wouldn't sting so much...but if anything, this image is what we receive months after we lost our daughter...a perfect healthy picture of theirs....

what do i do with this, Lord? help me! help me help ian to work through this...to help him through this anger stirred up again and help us both to love and give grace and mercy and compassion...the kind we wanted to receive from our friends when our world turned upside down. help us to love others when we don't want to. help me forgive and move on and thank you for a sweet life that was born today...may you bless her, may you bless them...right? help these words come easier off my lips...help me find it in my heart to give grace and celebrate your gift of life...help me with this anger, take it from me and replace it with your peace.