dreaming...

christmas, her due date, my birthday, easter, mother's AND father's day..we have made it through all these holidays without her...didn't even think about the fourth of july being a hard one..i am not as sentimental about that one as i am about thanksgiving or christmas or birthdays...so imagine my surprise when i choke back the tears, for the first time in a while to be honest, and then give into the tears as i sat around my family on the fourth. we joined my side of the family in dallas for the fourth for a pool party at my cousin's before we headed onto galveston later for our own family vacation following...aunts, uncles, grandparents, all the cousins...i found myself suddenly sad, almost flooded with emotion that her absence was so obvious to me as we filled my cousin's house on that festive day...feeling like she should have been there, with that completed circle of family...

i wanted to have my baby crawling about on the floor, playing with cousins and swimming with her aunt and uncle...i was surprised by the emotion on that particular holiday but it was probably more to do with the assembly of my family in a large way with all the kids that was the hard part...i didn't have "all" my kids with me..my brother and his wife and their two kids were there too, introducing their sweet soren who is 10 months, to family members who hadn't met her yet...had sydney survived and been delivered 7 months ago, she and soren would be just 3 months apart...so much of soren, what she is doing now and how she is developing is a sweet and sometime painful but a most wonderful and always beautiful picture of what our girl would be like since they would be so close in age, a little marker of where syd might be if she was here...something about that precious little soren takes my breath away...her eyes and her smile..she smiles WITH her eyes, my niece..maybe there is a connection because of how close she and syd would have been, that her mommy and i carried both little girls in our tummies at the same time, our second little ones, and they would have loved being such close sweet little cousins..maybe God allows her smiles to soothe me as a little blessing to me, a little bandaid..that's what i think anyways..



it brought me much joy to be in soren's presence this last weekend...had some hard moments but it was lovely getting to know my nieces more since i rarely see them..yet with all the laughter and giggles, there still comes the suddle moments where i get envious or sad or nostalgic for my own daughter,even one where i had to excuse myself and take a walk with my sweet husband around the block to compose myself, but only because i had a moment, a sydney moment and it took me by surprise...ian scooped me up safely and rescued me from making any kind of scene, hugged me tightly and quietly and gently for what seemed forever in the next room and just let me cry and then he took me on a walk, a long beautiful walk...i have wonderful memories from that walk, us- hand in hand, talking, dreaming, healing, more talking, and more dreaming...i didn't even see the moment coming but the hard ones usually creep up on you anyway...soren was crying and crawling to my mom..and it washed over me, i thought, wow- my daughter will never crawl into my mom's arms, i will never know what my baby girl's cry would have sounded like...my mom will never get to soothe her daughter's daughter like that, i was robbed..i am angry, i am sad...and just like that, i get lost in that world again...the world where i wonder why and get trapped in the what if's, even knowing what i know to believe is true, that our little girl's days were numbered from the beginning of her creation and God had a beautiful masterful plan for her life...still, in the little tearful moments that ache so tangibly that is hardly something you recall or can remember...you just know your heart hurts.

we went to galveston following the fourth..on a mini-mini quicky-fast vacation that was much needed...and i must say much deserved, as ian and i have yet to go anywhere or get away since our loss...many choose to do so, but financially we have never been able to find a way to make that happen...so most graciously, my folks treated us to 2 1/2 days on the beach to enjoy some sunshine and show liam the ocean...gram and grandpa joined us and we got a lovely little condo right on the water...it was great. liam loved it and i only wish we could have stayed longer...being there out on the beach makes you feel like time stops...you have time to think and dream and talk...ian and i talked and dreamed some more..."i love dreaming with you" he told me. it melted my heart.



we watched as liam frolicked and played in the sand and once again my heart sank as her absence was stinging in my soul..i watched a family of four play in the waves, another mother skipping onto the shore with her daughter and son in each hand, and then watched a baby chase the water back and forth on the shore..i told ian how lucky i thought they all were, wondered if they realized it...then in the same breath, i told ian that i realized that a couple struggling with infertility or someone who lost a son could be sitting somewhere on that same beach watching me and ian and liam jumping waves thinking the same as i did..."they are lucky, hope they appreciate that and know how lucky they are" all the while not even knowing our loss or our pain....full circle. it all comes back in full circle and no matter how hard it may be to think about and get stuck in, perspective is always around the corner for me...i wonder if that is one of God's many blessings in all of this...that he continually whispers little truths and wisdoms in my heart that i may always come back to reality and a place of compassion...i can't get too deep in all of my pain because i soon start to realize that it could be worse, or others struggle too or that i could hardly know or imagine what that family of four might be struggling with or could have lost as well...that is my only hope in these moments that God doesn't want me to stay down too long, that his long reach, his comforting grip on my arm pulls me up out of the crap and brings me back to a place of Grace....that not only does he save me again and again, but he wants to. he wants to save me and bring me back to where the Light is, to where He is and where he wants me to be....

liam told me while sloshing sand how he wished sydney could have played with him at the beach. how fun it would have been to swim with her...i thought so too and i told him how the same God who made the ocean we played in was the same God sydney got to be with now...but in the same breath, i was so grateful to be able to enjoy the memory of the ocean with him and thankful for life at all and the opportunity to jump waves with my son and build sandcastles and play in the sunshine and watch him laugh was more than i deserved it seemed...as much as i missed her, i felt like with every breeze and ocean's lapping against the shore, that she was there with us, that he wanted us to feel her...i guess that is the challenge, to always be looking for those moments where you feel, even though they are gone, that they are still with you...and a part of you and a part of that memory...or at least you can make it that way if you can...

anyways, as hard as this last week was, it was equally as blessful too. it is always nice to be around family, people who know you and get you and love you anyway, no matter how much you whine because of your severe sunburn and hacking cold on the 5 hour drive back from the beach...it was nice to dream again too...dream with my best friend about our future and our hopes and dreams for our family, to walk hand in hand in the water and laugh again and smile....