walking a tight rope

ahhh, today. today i am tired of being brave.

today is day two of bedrest because my blood pressure has been hard to keep down unless i am laying down. i will call my docs on monday and talk about more meds but for now i rest. i have a sweet friend who is on day 30 in the hospital on bedrest. these past two days can't even compare to the waiting and pondering she must be dealing with. i know she has had her good days and bad days, i know she misses her little girl at home while she takes care of the little girl in her belly as well. for me, these two days in bed have been hard. no busy routine to keep me busy or distracted. no daily chores to help keep my mind from going where it has gone.

all i have to do is look across our bedroom to the changing table that has been set up and my mind goes there...the little baskets that line the shelves below filled with Henry's blankets and things i have bought for him, the tiny zebra liam picked out for him, the sweet little H i got for a steal at anthropologie for him....all these things are tangible reminders that a baby is indeed coming. a baby is due. most women would stare at that stuff and wonder, "i wonder when i will go into labor".."i wonder what i will bring him home from the hospital in.." not me. i sit there in fear and wonder if i will even bring my baby home. if i will get to meet our son with his eyes open and heart beating. i wonder if our baby son will die. i wonder if i will have two urns in our home instead of one.

please don't tell me to keep my head up, keep the faith, try to be positive. i am way past all that. i DO have faith. i know that we have a God who is sovereign, so with that, i know all things ARE possible. with that though, ALL things are possible. the good and the bad. people have told me that they just have this feeling that everything this time will be ok. i wish i shared that same feeling. i do. some days i feel so close to feeling that feeling. other days, i have to sit and know that God's will WILL be done no matter how many baby blankets sit across from me, no matter how many shower invitations have been mailed.

we are 5 1/2 short weeks away from the age that we lost our sydney. this next month will be hell for me. so scared of history repeating itself. so reminded of that little girl that took our breath away, along with a large piece of our hearts. i sit and wonder if and when i will need bedrest or an ambulance..not worrying about nesting or decorating or gaining pounds. my worries feel more life and death. i hate it. i wish i was blissfully ignorant some days to this scary stuff. but i am not. not since her. and that's ok. because with her life and death, came a lot of lessons and heart learning for us. i am at peace with where our little girl is. i know GOD's plan for her was what was to come. i struggle, however, now with wondering what His plan is for this little guy beneath my heart right now. will it be the same? will we walk that painful journey again? as the days get closer, the fear and unrest comes more....it ebbs and flows....i could handle it a lot more before, but now we are past 24 weeks which means Henry does now have a fighting chance if he came early. yet, it's my body i don't trust. i am doing all the things my doctors have told me, taking all and i do mean ALL the medications i have been told that will help us fight the past...but we still wait and hope. and pray for a different outcome than last.

i know that we took this scary risky journey on ourselves. i know we decided that we felt led to try one more time for another child. i know that the LORD has ordained all the days of sweet Henry Adam's life already...and if i trust the Lord, which i do, i will reconcile to His plan...but the waiting, all this waiting...this bedrest quiet still waiting is making that waiting harder. one slight raised blood pressure reading can send me into a wave of panic. "is this it?" "am i getting ready to abrupt?" all sorts of questions start screaming in my head.....and i have to beg for mercy and for comfort and for peace.

i told ian i wanted to fast forward to this fall and be there already. know the outcome and deal with whatever it may be. and he sweetly reminded me that, "God has simply asked us to finish the race, no short cuts." and i know that. i know that this waiting is what we are to do. and do it with a Joyful heart, a glad attitude and a trusting spirit. somedays i am there. other days, if i am honest, i am not.

the past two days, i have failed. i have let fear come in and sit a while on my heart. while i am not sleeping lately because of Henry's active nature at night, i find myself thanking God for being up at 2am with kicks in my gut because it means my child is still alive and i know he is ok. i am comforted rather than annoyed.....

i am just being honest. this is where i am at now. i have no idea what the next few months hold. our "birth plan" is so unpredictable because my body is so unpredictable. i could be in the hospital in a week or i could be at target in a week getting groceries. it's the not knowing that drives me crazy.....

needing to hold every thought captive and be at rest with the unrest and crazy rollercoaster that we are on.

needing to be ok not just with what will happen but what is actually happening right now...in the waiting.

i don't feel protected or shielded from the bad...i know it can happen.

i don't feel strong, i don't feel in control. yet, i know i am not suppose to.

oh, the balance of this tight rope walk.....i pray i can be sustained a bit longer.