this is how it starts..

you wanna know how it starts? the weakening of heart muscle? just keeping it real?

a little one wakes me before sun is up with crying in my face about a fan being too loud, at 5am, a fan. in my face that's still buried in my covers, fights with brother over toys during coffee pouring and we can't find important paperwork needed for an impt appointment for ian in 30 min or needed laundry. stress ensues. i go to fold up our paper blinds that the cat is tangled in while the kids wrestle hurt each other on the couch before i've even sipped my coffee, still a year passed and no blinds or curtains in kitchen bay window, and i start to get mad about those stupid paper blinds. mercy, it's been a year why don't we have this fixed already? i hate these paper things, so cheap and annoying to fold every day. why can't we have more to work with? this house is so cold too, old windows draining our heat as i look out old windows and shiver. ugh this house, we are so not lucky like THEY are, the ones with a new house or lots of money. lucky them. poor us. poor me, my kids are fighting and this house, oh it will never be what i want. when did i get a shower last? and oh school, we have more school to do today..this day is going to suck, i just know it. that whole head convo was JUST while folding 4 paper blinds, yall. ALL before 8:30am yall. i haven't even fully opened eyes yet to the day and THAT is how flesh and selfish heart ruins and weakens the heart muscle. and your day. with lies. lies that's it's all about you. an inward microscope so harsh and embarrassing it's comical now to see it in writing. people piss us off in traffic or at checkout and we stumble into our day entitled for a 'good day' and hells to pay if not. can't we see it? how fast we spiral to self? i had to tweak my heart and attitude and preach to my heart while STILL in my robe and unbrushed teeth. and ask for grace and a second chance while the sun was still coming up over those mountains to the east as i was letting it pour into my house with each opened blind. but catch selfish in the act? and feel it's rotting the bones happening? and say NO. and run to peacemaking and second chance mornings and His perspective. that reminds you that you have enough and He provides and all's grace all around you. calm your heart and slow down and start over. remember that He gives strength, not you. it's not about being good or doing good but letting Him be the good. it's not about a measuring stick or perfecting self. it's in surrendering over and over (and over) in humility where our stubborn heart muscle learns to build trust in His perfection instead of itself.