have missed writing, have missed sharing with you all how God continues to move in our grief and show himself BIG and mighty and good even in pain....miss sharing the sweet things that knowing my girl and loving my girl and missing my girl has taught me...miss sharing the crazy ups and downs that the adoption process has brought..as we experienced one adoption loss last spring two months before delivery, we still thank Him for the opportunity to love a mother and her children and praise Him for letting her choose life. we experienced two more almost adoption opportunities and they didn't come to fruition and our hearts hurt for the reason why of one of them and praise Him for finding a family for another and adoption has changed for us in our minds...not about being plan B, like it ever was, but really about serving the widow and the orphan in any way we are called to...so if that means we say yes to a baby until the mother can say yes in her own heart and choice and changes her mind, then Praise God for that.... yet we still wait and trust...wait and trust....and love how God writes all stories differently and according to His plans, not ours.
hopefully i will get the rest of the days up and loaded and be back to writing again...it really is a great therapy and place to jot jumbled head and heavy heart or thankful heart down onto and i am thankful for a place to do that....
last night at a school meeting it was announced that our school was six years old and look how far we've come...'anyone in the room with a six year old?' the question was asked by the speaker....and ian and i just looked at each other and let our hearts sting together and even smile a bit in eyes of deeper connection of the question...yes, we do our eyes said to each other in one second. we have a six year old beauty....she just happens to be waiting for us instead of by our side...funny, how even a school meeting question can prick your heart and do such moving around and jostling in it so suddenly..from financials and tuition to ouch...but that's what grief is. and you learn to wear it and how to handle it...when to pick it up and when to put it down, when to let it out and when to keep walking and fall apart later in quiet or target or a large group of friends, you know whatever happens to be around when your heart floods out. when to brave up and sit with another hurting soul and cry with them in their loss or pain and when to let your grief story spill onto theirs being written and let them run together. because our God is a running together kind of God, he won't allow our pain to go unnoticed or unfelt...he mixes all of our pain together so we don't have to face it alone and He also carries it as well..can't imagine not having him and His peace by my heart's side when little heart stings come or big waves of pain flood....
however the roller coaster of grief rides, the one constant is Him. and even though emotions and heart break and hurt ebb and flow and change and morph, go backwards and forwards....His love for us and His immense comfort He gives us in the Cross...where he lost His own son, FOR US....never changes or bends or rolls with currents of anything. but grace. His loss makes mine bearable. it makes my loss become untrue one day when He makes all things right again....His loss means He understands mine. His loss means my girl is free and Home and at peace with Him......reminding myself these truths today....
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