happy birthday, angel "j"....

this weekend ian and i attended a birthday party. only it was a party unlike any other i have ever been to.

this birthday party was for a one year old little girl and the celebration was held at her resting place, our local cemetery. sweet girl would have been one that very day...

ian and i had no idea for how this even would affect us..we were only thinking of our sweet friends who were buying balloons for a gravestone instead of toys for their toddler...we were thinking about our friends who got only to look at the headstone of their baby girl instead of a cake-filled chubby face...we had no idea of the breadth and depth of awe we would have as we drove up to the angel garden and stood among so many, too many, little ones laying beneath our feet. ian was visibly upset at the lack of care taken to the grounds and overgrown grassy headstones, swearing to come back with his weed eater and pruners and tend to each precious little stone with the care they deserved.

i had images playing over and over in my mind of the last two birthday parties we attended for two little girls who turned one this summer, one at the zoo, the other was a pool party in her backyard...both had balloons and cake and toys and gifts and family and friends laughing and smiling...a joyful celebration, indeed.

then i would "re-enter" reality in the reprieves of my image slideshow and look around us, seeing graves and a funeral in process behind us...i looked at the balloons celebrating other little ones as they were tied to their headstones, got my own balloon for little "j" and tied the sweet note her grandma had written for her for all of us to attach to our balloons and heard sweet "j's" daddy talk about her and how much they missed their little girl...behind tears, we had our own JOYful celebration as well....

i held my friend tight and didn't want to let go of her until i had zapped all the pain from her, that's what i hoped for at least...take some pain from her heart and transfer it to mine...she and i "joked darkly" like us members of this sucky club do with each other..dark humor and chatting lightly with my friends mom about just how to get this "cemetery-birthday-thing" just right, a martha-stewart-esk attempt but having to make cupcakes for a cemetery party instead...we both knew we could laugh at it, it is our way of dealing with it we both agreed. through tears and heavy hearts, my friend and i joked about our two little girls being in heaven together, having a party and sassing Jesus most likely if they are our little girls...we talked about things and laughed with our pain clinched behind our smiles and tears behind sunglasses, about things that only a mommy who has buried a baby can talk about to another mommy who has had to shop for urns, we compared headstones and urns like other mommies compare formula and diapers...it was so strange and surreal, yet a place the two of us are quite used to by now....

ian and i walked the many stones and looked over the many names and smiled at the pretty names and beautiful markers. i felt more pain enter my soul with each name i uttered...these poor sweet families, so much loss, so many...too many...this is my life, this is my new group of friends now, ones that have birthday celebrations with headstones and balloon releases...we will have our own in 3 short months....i cannot even imagine what that day will be like for us...i only know how hard it was for our friends...for us to watch them not be able to hold their baby girl up the air and twirl her around and watch her cram her face with cake...

ian and i drove away with heavy hearts...this was a hard moment for us..the cemetery was a new, very real and visual reminder of our life and our family....we don't have a resting place in the ground for sydney, we don't have a headstone to decorate and visit each week..for my sanity, i believe that our alternative or choice for her urn, for us, was the right one for us..the other choice would most likely have me camping with a tent and lawn chair by her grave, i am afraid..never wanting to leave...this place we visited for a bit was not anything we were used to, at least not when dealing with our loss...our loss, our girl...it has been very contained in a small beautiful urn that sits in our home, sometimes it sadly blends into our things at home now and the awe of it seems to have faded, maybe it is just us getting used to it, too used to it i am afraid ...we have never walked the grass that covers so many little angels below..we have never experienced anything like that day. the day, that sweetly, also marked our own little one's 9 months since she has been gone...the 30th...

we were honored and blessed to share this moment of celebration with our friends...to hold their hands and hearts when they can't hold their little one...no matter how much time goes by or things may happen...you can't deny the reality of life and death when you stand quietly in a cemetery...as we remembered baby "j", i think it also became a time of remembrance for both me and ian of our little girl...a reminder that our loss is always there, it's real...that no matter how much grass or how many weeds may grow over a headstone, the name atop it represents a sweet life, a heartbeat and a soul...that mattered and matters still very much to that family who misses them....

sweet girl, little "j"...i hope you and our sydney had a beautiful birthday party in heaven on your birthday...your mommies and daddies miss you both more than you could ever imagine...i was honored to say a prayer for you and send a purple balloon into the heavens in honor of your special day....you and sydney brought us, your mommies, together as friends...and we are blessed for having that support and will always, ALWAYS celebrate your special days with balloons and cupcakes and bubbles!