let go, let go..there's beauty in the breakdown

i sat on the floor this morning, thinking...being still....my version of adult timeout, maybe? i was looking up at sydney's picture on the wall....wondered what she would smell like if i was holding her right then...spit up maybe? baby shampoo, cheerios? i wondered if i would smell those smells again....with another baby. i tried to imagine another set of toes but my heart felt like i was leaving her behind...my mind knows different yet it still hurt a bit...i sat there, in the silence, so still...trying to imagine and daydream about our future but my mind wouldn't let me get too far before i heard the warning go off in my head...to be careful, to not get too hopeful, to not get my heart exposed that easily because it might be broken again...caution, stop those thoughts...

and then i started on my war path of fears and worries for the day...struggles with money, ian's starting a new business, missing sydney, wanting to be pregnant and have another, money, bills, did i mention money?, insurance companies, the record label crap, our six hours in the ER yesterday with ian and his mysterious stomach pain, other stuff i can't talk about right now and my struggles with my weight and getting my body to a place i feel is healthy to start trying again....all my "things" that consume me and make me worry and stress..it was a mean cycle of thoughts, i wanted to solve them all right then and there and check them off....i wanted to have the money to pay things off and get stuff done, i wanted our daughter back in my arms, i wanted another little one growing inside of me, i wanted to know everything will be ok...i wanted so much more.

and then i heard God whisper to me...."you want ALL those things but do you want me? you seem to want them more than you want me???"

anyone who knows me knows i am a visual, tactile, applications-type learner...my group of high school girls i led in irmo would tease me about my "analogies and visuals" but it always seemed to help them understand ideas better, so we learned together...

so as soon as i heard those words whispered to me, i realized that little voice was right...i DID and DO want all those things more than i want my God...to know Him or be comforted by Him, to learn more about Him...i knew what i needed to confess and then i knew what i could do....for others it may seem silly- but for me, it was a light bulb moment of connecting my heart to my brain...

i took 5 pieces of paper and wrote the 5 biggest things i struggle with so much right now, that i hold onto so tightly and don't trust God with...things that i want more than Him, that i want in my life, that i want to be fixed or solved...i wrote them down and found a little vintage "thrift store find clutch" purse tucked in my closet. i read each of the papers aloud and folded each one up and placed them inside...i tucked them away and prayed for God to take them from me....for Him to teach me how to let go of each of them and live more freely from my worries and mistrust that consumes me...

it felt good to leave my worries in a purse and walk away...it's not rocket science that i will struggle to get them back out and carry them in my pocket again, sooner or later, not sure- well yes i do know, it will be a daily fight for me...but i will just keep repeating this process until prayers are answered or my heart no longer feels torn in two about them...until the time comes when i can look at the paper and rip it up or burn it into the past...because it no longer consumes me.

it may sound childish or resemble a vacation bible school lesson for a 8 year old...but man, this 31 year old felt quite free leaving that little clutch at home today, more of an adult than ever, "leaving her cares behind", in good hands...i need to do this every day...i was reminded in church last week that Paul had to daily die to himself..constantly, every day, all day...constant means on-going. why do we think we die to ourselves at our specific salvation moment and then we are set for the rest of our time here on earth? why do we think once we believe, we just believe once and that covers it? i was reminded and encouraged again last sunday that we have to KEEP believing (yes, cue journey music with the don't stop)...every day we have to make a choice to keep believing and constantly be a living sacrifice...a living death of our desires, an on-going sacrifice of our wants and desires and selfish motives...to serve self is empty and meaningless and no matter how much it sucks or how hard it is to die to our desires daily, it serves God and can fill us with more of the good stuff, the hope, the peace and the joy He wants us to live with rather than the other crap like worrying and fearing.

"In YOUR PRESENCE is the FULLness of joy, at YOUR right hand are pleasures forevermore..." (Eccl 9:7)

in HIS presence is where joy is found in FULL, abounding...not in people or things or money or babies, houses, cars or the latest gadget...not even in spouses or family or friends..not in career success, not in attaining the american dream..those things will come and go and are gifts and blessings that can bring joy but not in FULL..not like He can. i want to want Him more than all these things...so that as a result i will be able to enjoy and appreciate these things that are in my life more beautifully, with less of a tight grip on all of them...

if you hold too tight to a bunch of roses in your hands, won't you mangle them terribly and leave them a hot wrinkled, mushy mess?....i guess what i am trying to say in all of this is that i am sorry for making my mangled mess of my "things" and putting them all before Him...i want to give Him my array of different flowers, be it money woes or baby woes, as an offering and trust that He can protect them far better than i, He can even tend to them and provide care for them in a way that i cannot. if liam is hurt and bleeding and needs my care, he runs from me and turns from me in fear, he is so scared i am going to make it worse somehow with the towel or bandaid or ointment...he writhes in my arms and takes a while to calm down before he realizes i want to help him and make him better, i want to make it as painless as possible but he has to work with me to get it done, he has to trust me that i will make it all ok...even if cleaning the cut will sting or getting the splinter out will hurt, i just want to give him the best care and make it all better...

isn't that how we are with God? don't we keep our things, our hurts and pains and false idols and worries to ourselves because we are afraid that He may not take care of them as well as we can, or think we can...we are so stinkin' afraid of the bandaid process and we can kick and scream like a 3 year old because we don't want to hand over our "boo-boo's" to someone that might hurt us in the process to make it better in the end...

i am going to try and let go of the dangerous death-grip i have on the roses in my hands....