tears at church and bobble heads.

so church is pretty hard for me since sydney died. hard to sing and pray with dry eyes, hard to be happy some days and talk and fellowship with people when i don't feel like it...i really did NOT feel up to church yesterday but i knew that those days are the days i need to be there, around TRUTH and people who love the Lord, that much more because i need the Hope and reminder that He is God and that i am NOT alone....

liam took to sunday school with top notch skills and i left him without any crying or whining like he sometimes will do, i was so proud. and relieved. thanks, God. that's done.

fernando ortega was a part of the worship time. he was there at our church for a concert later in the day but sang a couple of songs with us sunday morning. it was beautiful and i really enjoyed listening to him. i always cry through worship, everytime it seems since november. i am used to it, but this sunday was different. i couldn't turn off the tears or emotion. a sweet lady, swollen with almost 8-9 months of baby in her belly sat to the left of us....two families had their newborn baby daughters to the right of us and i was all done. i couldn't sing, i choked on the words and just missed her so much. i wanted God to come, right then and there and take me Home, or take the hurt away or replace my sadness with joy....but none of the above happened...i sat through the service and listened with hungry ears...praying for any word or TRUTH to land on my heart and kick out the junk that took it's place instead....

the past couple days and week have been hard. on the floor, head in hands, sobbing hard. lots going on, too much to say here but frayed is the best word to describe me i guess as of late....trying to find joy and contentment for the time being in things that aren't God and it's no wonder i remain feeling torn and thrown out on the floor...worrying about so many things that are out of my control that i am left with my head spinning and my fists tight...

do you know the color of your children's eyes? i know you do, i know you know the exact color. how can you not? liam's sweet eyes are the bluest of blue, the deep seas-ocean kind of sparkly blue....i know you know the way your children's eyes looks in light, in darkness, dripping with tears, smiling with joy...you know the exact shade of each child you have, young or old, you have that privilege...who ever thought that knowing eye color would be a honor like that? well, ian and i have struggled the past few days with just that. the idea that we have NO idea what our daughters eye color is or would be...we do not have a complete picture of her face like that and do not have the simple privilege of knowing that liam's eyes are blue as the sea and sydney's eyes are ________? nothing, no idea...it seems cruel really. i carried her, grew her inside of me and delivered her and i have no idea what my baby girl's eyes are colored with. it's like not knowing how much your kid weighs, or their favorite food or where their tickle spot is...you feel like a lame parent if you don't know the most simple of things in your child....and that is how i feel. i wish we could have been able to even just look for one minute into her sweet blues, or browns or greens....i feel like i was robbed of that and i am mad. i have selfishly prayed for a divine appointed dream to show me her eyse so that i can be at peace, but who am i to ask that of God?

i prayed this last week for God to send me a dragonfly in front of my kitchen window. as i did the dishes and listened to my classical music and burned my fall candles and incense, it was one of those perfect moments of scents and smells and simpleness and i wanted to see a dragonfly fly in front of my eyes to show me that sydney was with me, that we would be ok and that it would be a sign that another sweet little one was in our future....in the same breath i uttered this, i knew it wasn't fair to ask God for signs like that. even though i kept uttering the selfish request over and over in my mind, i kept hearing Him say to me, "but Alyssa, dear child, then what is the point of faith if I did that?

liam told me a couple days ago that he wanted to hold his sister but he couldn't because he wasn't strong enough and he was sad. as many times as i have played the moment over and over in my head, the one where we decided for several important reasons for liam at the time, to have him not meet his dead baby sister, this was a kick to my heart. i started crying and asking liam to forgive me that he didn't get that option. we were so worried about his severe night terrors at the time and several other reasons, that he was too fragile at the time to be able to hold her, meet her and leave her and not get to bring her home, we were worried about confusing him...so much drama had unfolded with our lives then, momma was so sick and liam was so scared, couldn't even look at me or touch me while i was in the hospital...how could we give him sydney and then say, "sorry buddy, you don't get to see her ever again, you don't get to take her home"...at the time, that was our decision...ian always reminds me that we made the best decision at the time with the best wisdom we had at the moment....i agree, but still. it is hard to watch months later, with regret and heartache, as your son talks about holding his sydney....my heart tightened with anger again at the madness that filled my mind and the unfairness that liam didn't get to see his sister and feel her actual weight in this world....instead of giving in to the anger, i prayed over and over again for peace and told liam how much fun, how special it would be, our reunion in heaven with sydney, that he could hold her as long as he wanted and he would be oh so strong to do it....and he was appeased. it was that simple. me, on the other hand..i was left with that same aching regret that satan teases me with and i felt defeated.

last week, i also lost one of my most favorite earrings. the sweet pair of diamond studs were given to me on my wedding day by my brother and his wife. i wore them on my wedding day, i wore them giving birth to both liam AND sweet sydney. i hardly took those earrings off ever in the last 6 years. i was so very careful with them, as much with my precious wedding ring..they were very special to me and had very deep sentimental value to them. so to lose one off my ear so randomly, was like a kick in the stomach to me and i am sad to be without them. things, they are simply things, but anyone who has lost a child can agree that sometimes you hold on dearly to things at times that connect you to that person who is gone..like a bridge that keeps you connected...just another salt in the wound and nothing else. they ARE replaceable and they are just things, but they meant more to me than that, i guess...

several other hard "sydney moments" were had between me and ian this weekend and we felt tired, exhausted from being in the ring all weekend, getting beat up with the crap grief and life can leave you with....but we pulled together and made it to church and put on our happy faces....and held hands tightly the whole time.

music played. tears fell, pregnant women and sweet little babies...all this i am used to by now at church and in public...i put on my game face and get it done...some days are easier than others. it is a part of life and i am getting stronger each time i defeat these hard moments....

the message was great, i was fed and i was proud of myself for making it through, even with the tears, i was ok.

until the very end, when i looked over to the side of the sanctuary and saw me.. holding sydney...

she looked like me, hair and all, had a dress on way too similar to one i have in my closet...she was standing to the side, in the back, rocking her sweet little brown haired baby girl in her arms, a baby that i swear looked almost 9 months old, what sydney would be today...the momma was kissing her daughter's head, rubbing her back, wrapping her in her yummy blanket, whispering sweet words and mommy things into her ears...i looked away in disbelief and then clouded with tears, my eyes looked back over in her direction. how could one woman look so much like me,? how could her baby daughter look so much like a girl-version of liam?....i was undone, all done.

ian had already left early from service to go play with a friend downtown at the fair...so on my own, i picked up my things, my heart on the floor and snuck out...i got to liam's sunday classroom and hugged him tightly and asked if he would join me for french fries under at a tree at the park..like he was going to say no to that..i caught my breath and dried my eyes..."ok, Lord, what am i supposed to take from this, what do You want me to learn from all of this...i didn't want to come today but i did and look what torture i had to endure", i yelled at Him selfishly inside my head....i know, whining and yelling, selfish thoughts, pity...i know all this, but still, it seemed so cruel....i almost didn't come to church, to avoid moments such as these, but i out on my brave face and did it...and this is what i got?

we took refuge at our park near our house under a tree with our happy meals and princess lea scary bobble head-doll-things. i was enjoying our talk, the sunshine, my time with liam and his story he was telling me.....when all of the sudden who drives up to the park but a big picnic party of sweet peeps from our church???...out of the cars pours the two sweet newborns and the pregnant one that sat to the left of me....i looked up above and said out loud but quietly, "really? Lord, really?" it was almost so ironic and comical really, i mean, what are the odds of my refuge under the tree at a public park with my son being the reunion point of my grief again? "what are you seriously trying to tell me, Lord? am i too give over my desires of more babies to You? am i to give up entirely? am i supposed to get something from this hard lesson other than pain?" i was really whole heartedly having this conversation with the Lord as liam played in the sunshine on the slides and swings and smiled and laughed....when the third baby carrier arrived and conversations of mommies talking about feeding schedules and due dates started up, i knew it was time for me to leave. liam, once again thank you God, was very sweet and obedient and didn't pitch a fit like usual when having to leave funland but walked hand in hand with me to the car as we met up again with our scary princess lea bobble head things, which made me laugh outloud! who thought these strange things would be a great idea in happy meals?

i went home and curled up with liam and watched nascar (his choice, not mine) with my son and talked about cars and tires and racing...all things boy..all the while trying to forget my strange morning...yet, i know i am supposed to take something from it all, i am supposed to learn from it and grow...and i will...it will take a few days i am sure for me to get there, to process it all...for now, i guess i am left with that scary princess lea bobble head souvenir from the day instead...seriously, Lord...i am listening...