highway medicine music mix...

so i had a fun task of scheduling a breast ultrasound as a follow-up to my surgery last january when they removed some questionable "material" and pre-cancerous milk ducts, good times. i had the best surgeon in town, she is amazing but my amazing doctor does not take my new fun medicaid insurance and she only uses the best imaging company in town and these wonderful people don't take medicaid either. luckily, the same company has a branch in santa fe that does take medicaid, so she ordered me to get my follow-up there...for weeks, i have put this off. scared a bit but also put off that i had to drive 45 minutes to santa fe just to get an ultrasound...i mean, i hardly have enough money to pay for gas to get around town much less driving almost two hours total for a simple procedure. i was blessed to have sweet amy watch liam for me, who was very worried about his momma going to yet another "doctor" to have them look inside my body....i found a couple of random cd's in the house to take with me on my drive and set out in the cool air for my adventure...(yes, a drive like that without a toddler yelling or asking why a million times from the backseat is truly a fun adventure and treat sometimes!)

i was fumbling to find a cd for my journey and stumbled upon one my brother had made me for my birthday this year...back in february. he had sent it to me and i wasn't ready to listen to some of the songs because i knew they would move to me to utter tears and sobbing....my brother has a knack and an amazing gift for finding amazing and unique music and compiling it into mixes that he sends to me and ian, several times a year...it is just one of those "chris" things i have come to adore and look forward to and i truly cherish it because it is like he is sharing a piece of him with me from far away....

so, enter the cd and sunroof open...ben harper and the coolest bass line begans to penetrate my ears and then my soul and i am soon grooving along I-25 with ease...(i thank God aloud for cool bass lines and the amazing instrument that is the bass because it threads the song with this fluid like groove like no other) this is not so bad i think to myself, i look down at my phone and think i could use this time alone now to call my sweet friends that i owe a call to, a check-up, a follow-up and a much deserved call back that is way overdue...but by then dave crowder is eerily, quietly and then bravely and loudly telling me in song to "be quiet now, be still and listen to what the Voice has to say to you..."ok, Lord, maybe now is time for me and You instead of talking on the phone", nevermind the law in NM that says you can't talk on the cell phone while driving anyway...."ok, i get it...just You and me, God. i am still and i am listening..."

so, to say that my brother knows me and my heart and that the songs he chose for me 7 months ago would be a complete understatement. to say that my brother is blessed with putting together the most amazing, most moving compilations of music can not be said lightly. i felt like i was invited to this personal, beautiful concert made just for me...handcrafted for me, by my brother's hand and heart....i was suddenly saddened to realize i had missed out on this greatness back in february when he originally sent it to me, i felt awful that i had put it off so long and then, if you know me, actually misplaced it or forgot about it in chaos of the house and re-discovered it in a divine appointment type way...

then, as more music pounded down the walls of my soul and blasted my heart and mind, i was smiling through tears because as i believe things happen for a reason, i realized as soon as i could that i was not ready then to hear God's love for me through this music. i was mad as hell at Him still, then...i was unable to find Him in anything, nevermind a mixed-tape-cd. good intentions were meant from sweet chris in february but opening my gift again 7 months later when my heart was ready to receive it was like christmas morning. i soaked in every scent of the moment, the wind in my hair and the beautiful lyrics that were like a balm to my spirit...i began to cry and be overwhelmed with emotion for that moment that i was blessed with, i cried with sheer joy and thanksgiving for a brother that knew me so well and wanted to speak to my heart with song...i wanted to hug his face so badly at that moment, even states away, my love for him was so very tangible at that very second...

i began to think about my brother and our childhood and how lucky i was to have him in my life and to grow up with him and to be able to grow old with him as well in the future..i missed him terribly in that moment, so far away...wishing we lived in the same city once again, to have him near...i then was flooded with both emotion and an ocean of tears as i remembered that our sweet liam was going to have that bond with his sister and that is now gone. forever gone. no christmas mornings together hiding under the covers of a sister's bed waiting impatiently to take a peek, no lazy backyard days of playing in the dirt and making mudballs and playing in forts and riding bikes in jammies after dinner...no fighting over the colored blocks at gram's house after thanksgiving dinner, no 14 hour drives and trips to the mountains each summer, fighting over whose leg is on whose side of the backseat...i was so overcome with sadness for my liam in the same moment i was filled with joy of my brother, it was confusing...i wanted so badly for liam to have that brother-sister bond like i had growing up...it was too much, and i let it all out...no one was there to see me, stop me, to tell me to buck it up and get over it, to gather myself and collect my emotions so that liam didn't get upset...no, i was alone...just me and my God and i let Him have to deal with my tears and my sadness...and He did. it was a great drive...it was a time for me that i had put off and almost cancelled because of the timing to make it happen, but i was glad that i had to drive 45 minutes to get an ultrasound for the time it gave me in the car to be alone, with my thoughts.

the last song my brother put on the mix was a sweet lullaby that i can't even write out yet...i am still crying inside at the words and the minute i heard it, i knew this was the most simple of sweetness that i could utter to my child who is gone...it would have put me on the floor 7 months ago...it had me nearly drive off the road yesterday as the words echoed in my head even after the song was over...i will post it later when i feel like i can share it...right now, it is just for me...and for ian, who is listening to it right now on his way to work....

i got to my appointment and had the dreaded ultrasound...did the whole, "i need to get the doctor to look at this because i am concerned" scary as hell moment...the one where you plan your funeral, you write your husband your goodbye letter in your head...you script a way in your mind to tell people on your blog that you have cancer...yes, i am this crazy...and then you realize how one test can change your whole life....yet, after my drive..after my time with the Lord, i actually felt a peace with whatever the doc was going to come and tell me....i seriously said to God..."bring it", i am strong and i can fight anything...i am pretty sure it was God who braved me with that thought and attitude because after waiting the first ten minutes for the results, i was then filled with fear and hell the next five...i thought about liam and the baby we want to try for in a couple months, all the crap we have endured the past year...and how badly i wanted to fight for my life...the one that was hanging in the balance of my lifetime movie mind at the moment....the doc entered and did his own exam and told me that he was not concerned but did find a third growth that was not there before, syd's pregnancy and lactation from the process probably caused it he said...but nothing to worry about...the results will be sent to my doc here in town and i will wait to hear from her...whew, i thought. ok, i can handle this. thank you, Lord for another day...

i rewarded my lifetime movie minded bravery with a starbucks coffee and a blueberry scone...i drove back to town with wind in my hair once again...fall air seeping into my car, music cranked up as loud as it could go and i sang all the way home...played one ben harper song over and over and over...no lie, i repeated that song 5 times in a row i think, something that i could only do by myself in the car because any passenger would certainly think it crazy and be ready for something new...i will post some of the magical music soon...it is too good not to share...but for now, it remains a close little secret for me to remember my day, my drive and my thoughts....amy has already requested a copy of sir christopher's magical music mix...and i am so happy to share music with friends...it really does serve as the best medicine for me most times...something that can get past the fortress i build up in my heart...only the most sincere of words and simplest of melodies can enter there and melt the pain away, making room for healing and growth...there are only a handful of artists, with their music, that get to enter the doorway of my soul and leave it more beautiful and colorful than how they found it...such a sacred thing, music used a healing tool, i think. i believe God created it as such...and my brother, with his masterful mind and heart, crafted a sacred and divine healing agent for my heart that i have to cherish forever....