another free fall

i am scared.

do i trust You with what i am wanting again?

do i trust that You want me to prosper?

do i trust that You will watch over me and take care of me and protect me?

do i trust that Your will is better than mine?

do i trust that what You desire for my life has to look better than my idea?

do i trust that You can perform miracles and see us through another season?

do i trust You to be there if we fail, again?

do i trust at all?

i am struggling with fear, with anxiety, with not trusting God with my heart right now. listening to lies that the enemy tells me is sounding louder than truth in my head some days, more than i would like to admit. whom am i to think we can do this again, try for another baby and expect a great outcome to even out what was taken from us? who am i to think we deserve a happy ending MORE because of what we have been through? who am i to put all my eggs into one basket and hope for the best, only to hold another still child in my arms and leave them behind at the hospital again? who am i to believe that God DOES desire to bless us and answer our prayers for a bigger family? who am i to trust in a God, who let our daughter die, and believe that He will not let that happen again? who am i to run recklessly into the future with my hands folded in prayer, fingers crossed behind my back begging for another chance, another pregnancy with this jacked-up body of mine that does not take to pregnancy too well? who am i to enter into this season again, to put myself at the mercy of what could happen again....?

i am a stubborn child of God who doesn't want to give up, who wants to fight again for what i believe he has laid of my heart. i am a child of God who wants to see Him perform a miracle. i am a believer who is reconciled to the fact that my God does love me, does want to bless me and see me prosper BUT by His plans not mine. i am a faith-walker who now knows that "life" failed us last year but God did not, He carried us through so much and wants us to believe and trust Him in it all, through it all and after all. i am a mother who feels our house is too quiet and our son is lonely. i am a wife who longs to give my husband another child. i am a believer who wants to believe in my Lord no matter what the outcome may be. i am a pessimist who wants to be proven wrong when i think a miracle can't happen. i am a woman who wants my calling and identity back, to be able to create life. i am actually more prepared now than ever before for what life throws at us because i have been to hell and back already and know that God went with us and brought us back and will go there again if necessary. yet i know that ALL things are possible in Christ...therefore, that is what i place my hope on. not statistics, not doctors or websites...not even my heart amy rollercoaster feelings...only Christ can be my hope.

we are scared. we are hopeful. and somedays i don't know which one weighs higher on the heart's scale. if we are to embark on this journey again, we must be trusting, hopeful, full steam ahead with joy and faith in a God that doesn't owe us anything. but we will stand in submission to whatever he gives us. we must receive the life story he has ordained for us and trust that no matter what outcome is painted in our story, it is God sovereignly writing the story and He is in charge of the chapters. not us.

i think ian and i both feel sometimes like we were dropped in the trust-fall of life, like that game at summer camp...where there is supposed to be a support system in place, of hands and arms, standing behind us showing us we will be caught and when we fell back we landed on our arse last year. who stepped out? who let go? who let us drop like that? was it God? was it just how life works sometimes? that is the hardest part of the grief journey as a believer, trying to answer that question. hopefully through prayer, studying God's word and listening to the Holy Spirit, one will wipe their tears to see a revealed God who never would cause Sydney's death but did allow it...allowed it for His purposes and His glory, of that we cannot see but maybe someday we will, maybe not. who in their right mind would get back up and stand high above the linked arms once again and trust that they will be caught? i guess we have to remind ourselves that even though because of the fall of man and the fact that life is" not fair" ...bad stuff happens, it just does. but God does not let go of us in the midst of it...when we fell through the gaps of the trust fall in that hospital room last year, He caught us at the ground....so i guess i have to look at it as though no matter if that happens again, tho we might fall through again, it could happen.-...that He will be waiting to catch us before we hit the ground again...and if we stand in fear and don't try again for another child and try and trust and get back up then we let our fear win. and we live out the rest of our lives not ever knowing what could have been.

some would not be so forthcoming or public with such information. i understand that. i respect that. but we are pretty much an open book as of this last year. i guess i feel like through ian and i sharing so openly and honestly this last year about our loss, that God has blessed us with such grace and mercy from being vulnerable through so many friends, family and even strangers in the process. while working through our faith and our storm with honesty and humility in our pain and having so much support and love, we have been able to forge ahead on days we don't feel like we can. so the truest of motives in sharing this post with you all is to ask for prayer and encouragement. i ask for accountability as well. i need to be reminded about God's sovereignty on the days i forget or give into the fear again. it also to be an encouragement to others who are scared. because you are certainly not alone in that fear. we are there with you. no matter what that might look like in your own life, it weighs the same in God's eyes and we must fight to trust Him with it.

so here we go. here we come, trust fall thing of life. i feel TOTALLY out of control, but i am positive after all i have learned this last year, that that is exactly how i am to feel and where i am supposed to be. because He is in control and will be authoring this next chapter for us. so stay tuned for further developments.....and please hear that we would COVET your prayers for us right now....seriously, we need ALL the help and support and love and prayers God chooses to bless us with...hopefully, in the near future, God willing- He will bless us with "more".....