the Sovereign Lord is my Strength...

ian and i are in the process of studying War of Words in our home group bible study. it is challenging to say the least and this last week's chapter is the hardest one for me yet. i am to trust the Sovereignty of God in all things and at all times. to find joy in all things and circumstances and do everything without arguing or complaining, because when i do such things as to complain or whine-..it tells God that i don't trust His provision for me, His decisions over me and His will for my life. it's like i am telling God, thanks but no thanks.

so while in the process of reading and digesting and meditating on this tough Truth, my heart is challenged this week:

ian and i are facing the month of november tomorrow, the month last year that we had to say goodbye to our little girl. the month in which she would have been one years old had she lived...

ian and i are facing an unknown future as we have decided to start trying for another child, not knowing if we will carry a child in our arms in the future or send another sweet soul again to heaven.

one dear friend is facing the loss of her dear grandfather this week as he struggles in pain.

another sweet friend is facing depression and battling loneliness in a dark time at the moment and feels no hope.

another precious friend is facing the painful truth that the baby once growing inside her has died and will join one of it's siblings in heaven now, while she tries at the same time to care for her two very active toddlers and deal with her body and pain.

i know everything i read in that chapter is true, i know every scripture that those words were derived from speak Truth and that God's plans for us are ALWAYS for our best no matter what shape they may take to deliver us through the refining process...i know that God is sovereign over the big things and small things and ALL things of life...i know all of this with the deepest most painful part of my soul...yet, it still leaves me longing for a quick rescue out of the storm, for me and those i love when the rain falls...it is so hard to not complain about loss and pain, to not argue about justice and fairness of who gets to live or die, and to not whine about our dreadful circumstances we find ourselves in or question God as to why our "needs" aren't being met...it is soooo hard.

but..."God desires to meet your needs, but His need-meeting is part of a greater process. God is ALWAYS seeking to develop a closer and more intimate relationship with you. He is molding and fashioning you into the person with whom He desires to spend all eternity....Many of God's delays in meeting our needs are aimed at bringing us to a place where we will..rely upon God. His purpose is to teach us what it means to be in fellowship with Him and to walk closely with Him day by day...- Charles F. Stanley

so when we don't feel at peace, at joy or full of love...when we hurt and ache and are heartbroken or scared we have to remember that we are not able to do anything on our own or out of our own will to fight those hard things with true things from above. that's what grace is. a sweet precious blood-stained loving free gift that was given to us to rely upon and call upon when we realize that we are nothing without God in our lives. our relationship with God is based upon what Jesus has done, not what we have done or can do. so when we fight our life battles and wonder why we keep feeling discouraged or down, we must remember that of our own doing, we will continue to fail. but there is One who longs to pull us out of the darkness and be what we cannot. so that when you don't feel perfect, Jesus is perfect for you. when you don't feel love or joy, Jesus is abounding with peace to cover you in pain's place. when you don't feel like forgiving, Jesus stands as the ultimate forgiver in your stead. it is a hard choice, but that is exactly what it is. a choice. you have to CHOOSE to choose joy over pain, it does not come naturally.

does the love of exercise and working out come naturally to us? not most. we fight it because it is not easy or enjoyable to sweat, work hard and ache. but we do it for our bodies betterment. is homework something any of us ever looked forward to or felt came easily or naturally? probably not, but when we applied our mind with time to studying, learning and memorizing, the betterment of our mind was improved. so when it comes to our heart and soul's "betterment" in the fight for joy, we must remember that it will be another choice, active choice, that we must make even when we don't feel it, feel like it, or feel like it's worth it or it will make a difference. because, i know..after this long year without sydney by my side..that the more you praise God for hard times and thank Him for trials and keep choosing Joy over pain, it will start feeling more natural and more like a reflex your heart and mind just do...it's still hard (trust me), but after a while you will have trained your mind to think that way and you will have conditioned your heart to know better....to know that God is in control of all things and we are not. and then you begin to come to a place where you are thankful for a God who loves you and wants you to prosper and be blessed, even if His plans include suffering, He is a parent who knows far better than us what is good for His children.

"Can a person live in joy, peace and contentment every second of every day throughout life? No. Moments of panic, fear, discouragement, sadness, disappointment, or pain hit all of us from time to time. But, joy, peace, and contentment...can be the hallmarks of your attitude, your mood, and your outlook...When we know with certainty that God is in control..and that He is at work in our lives, we have the genuine capacity to praise and thank Him even in the midst of the most depressing times. And our praise and thanksgiving create in us very live feelings of joy and peace.." - Charles F. Stanley

so, in a week where God has seemed to dump one trial onto another, i can't forget sovereignty. and when my heart keeps aching with hurt for others and fear in my own heart is raging, i have to remember that he is..."molding and fashioning 'me and others' into the person or 'people' with whom He desires to spend all eternity"....and that with each trial, it does draw me closer to Him because i know, after learning the most painful way, that i am nothing without Him in my life and i am worth nothing without His Son.