grief in aisle four

so as i am still fighting to have my faith win out over grief, i am still subject to hard days...hope i am promised, 365 smiley days of roses and sunshine i am not.

during a errand out of the house a week ago, one of those un-sunshiney days and target got the best of me. i found sydney's big girl bedroom stuff at the store and i wanted so desperately to buy it for her. it was retro-meets-vintage and i knew in a second at looking at some of the items on the shelf what i could transform it into with a little elbow grease and imagination...how perfect for a little girl's room, complete with my antique quilt i have and precious white furniture....oh how my heart ached that i didn't have a little girl sitting in my shopping cart to buy it for...i soon thought of my sweet friend sumi who might experience these kinds of trips to the store too now....how my mind wandered to what syd would look like at 10 months this month and how crazy she might get fighting with her brother in the aisles of target over the bag of popcorn...i don't expect you to understand my thoughts i had...but i have to be honest...it still is fresh and EVERYDAY for me...it will never NOT be a part of me...

i have been struggling with people lately. people who don't get me. those who try, i am touched, even if they do seem bored that i still talk about my dead daughter a lot still. those who don't try to get me, i feel i am tired of trying to please them. in my painful journey so far, i have met my sweet emily, andi, rachel, and kristy and sumi who God divinely dropped in my life this last year, all women i met through the threads of technology that all sadly share loss with me but have blessed me immeasurably with their stories and their faith...i am truly thankful for these women. women with whom i feel so close to yet have never met and we all live in different states. women who get me, get the grief tight rope walk i balance every day...these women could relate to me in one sentence..they know what a trip to target walking through the baby section will do to my psyche, they know what tremendous strength it takes just to be present at church each week, praising my Lord while a family coos at their newborn in front of us and they know what it is like to feel envy and jealousy of all the complete families they see and they fight it and try to pray the coveting away...and they also understand that 10 months later, sydney's absence in our home and in our lives, is as noticeable and huge as the day we let her go....even more so acutally. some others, i fear don't get that. and that has to be ok, i have to let it be ok. i fear hurting and offending so many times when i want to speak my mind. i really try and pray for wisdom and discernment before spewing my crap before all. so i end up keeping to myself with some things but i honestly feel like i have to shake this funk off my chest and shed the bitterness before it takes deeper root in my heart...the new book i am reading by elizabeth mccracken is helping to shift the roots that are already there....("an exact replica of a figment of my imagination"- a must read for any woman who has had to grow, birth, bury and grieve her child and start over...it will make you laugh and smile through your tears because you know she gets it. thanks to my bro for the head nod to the book! and thanks to mom for getting it for me!)

one line keeps standing out to me..."grief lasts longer than sympathy..."

there was a death in our family last november. but the thing i am not sure people get, unless they have walked this road, is that there was not just one death, but three. sydney died, physically she is gone. but ian and i suffered a death as well in each of us. i have read about it in tons of books and on websites, where this is normal when you lose a child or loved one in a tragic way. the you that you once knew is gone, a death of old self...and you spend the next few months, years or even the rest of your life trying to start over and find the new you that grew over like new skin atop the old version of you, the one who was laden with innocence but now knows differently...the new you that knows how to function with a hurting heart all the time and in all things, the one that sees life so differently and has a new perspective on trivial things that are temporary..yes, we lost our daughter. but we also lost ourselves. we have no idea where those people went, but i know for sure that on the morning of november 30th 2007, our beings we grew up knowing changed and melted away somehow....and those who love us and know us lost those folks as well....

that is pretty hard for friends and family to deal with. it has been even harder for us in our marriage to continue from here, we have to get to know these "new people" and pray that God's love and grace will wrap around us while we try that on for size..some days it seems harder to adjust... but there is Grace. God is good, right? He will fill in the gaps for me and ian when our hearts are heavy and lost. i just have to trust Him to do the same with friends and family too. that He will equip you all with patience while we are in our process of "remodeling", that He will give you grace to love us while we are still under construction...it seems quite evident that some have not had the patience and it is what it is....but to so many of you, i thank you for your mercy. i thank you for your patience in waiting for me to be able to talk and share by phone once again sometime in the future..i don't do well with large groups right now. i feel safe in my small circle that loves me unconditionally and winks at me or rubs my back quietly as they see my eyes well with tears at a birthday party...a small affirmation of "i know, sweet friend, i love you, it'll be ok..." i feel comfortable in my home with my husband and my son..it is predictable and safe. but i know my safe haven of home base will not last, i will have to branch out into the land of the living once again "normally" and i will. i have begun taking baby steps, i have. but just because our daughter will have been gone a full year in a month, does not mean i am ready to take down the construction signs just yet...i am still a work in progress....some of you have asked me how i do it? how i am so strong? wondering how i have gotten through this so far.....well, i am sinful mess saved by Grace and i sit in pity and sadness on the days i don't feel like fighting...i get sad and withdraw and keep to myself...not in a gloomy way, but in a "feel" safer and saner way....this action of mine has left many of my friends and family wondering where i am, what is wrong, what they have done to offend me, etc. when all the while, i am just trying to make it day by day without wanting to crumble, it is self preservation at best...i am aware of how this must feel to others and i am sorry. but quite honestly, i can not deal with trying to please others right now.....even as i write that sentence i am aware of how selfish that sounds...but it is sincerely my white flag of surrender to a previous life as a people pleaser and my acknowledgement of needing space and time to honestly heal that i struggle with more than anything....setting boundaries and guarding my heart...

in one month, i will wake up on a cool morning at the end of november and ponder what the day might have looked like if things had gone differently, if i was able to wake up and go wrangle up a little girl out of her crib down the hall, to shower her with birthday kisses and snugs...i will not have birthday gifts to buy, no cupcakes to make...no 1st year picture to take, no invitations to send out....it will be a silent morning with three people sitting at a big table with an empty chair...and i will miss her. and i will cry and the weight of her absence will ache in my bones and rot in my stomach like too much candy...i will celebrate her and where she rests now and Who cares for her now, the One who holds her...i will be happy that she is happy, but i will be sad that i am sad and without her....and the month leading up to this quiet morning is too much for me to think about most days...i push it to the recesses of my mind for a bit before i am reminded that it doesn't work that way, it's always there...so then i will get on my knees and pray for Grace and mercy from my heavenly Father, knowing many many woman have met that one year mark with tears and heartache before me, it can be done. and it will.....

God is good. He is bigger than my heartache. He is stronger than my strongest emotions. He is the only One and only Thing that can fill the void that sydney left in my heart...He is more faithful and tender than any target shopping moment may make me feel otherwise....He is steadfast, He is All-knowing....so He is already there with me on that quiet morning next month...He has gone ahead of me, to prepare a sweet tender moment for my family, to be there to wrap His arms around me and hold me tight enough that i don't fall to pieces....He is there. He always is.