tangles...

ian was up early today to get to church in time for band practice to help lead worship today for the two services. he plays the drums very well and with such heart and conviction. he is sickly talented with his skills and has toured the country playing with his band in the past but it is at church where i adore watching him play the most...it's where he began playing as a kid. it's where i met him and saw him for the first time, behind that drumset. i know his heart and i know how connected he feels to God when he plays...i know how much he loves blessing others with that connection, to bring a rhythm and beat as if he is allowing himself to be God's heartbeat for others to see and experience for themselves. so i never ever mind that he misses some nights at home for practice or has to be gone on sunday mornings for rehearsal...i get liam and myself together for church and we just meet him there....

some early mornings are a true blessing, like today, when i relish our mom and son time. i was reading in bed with my coffee and liam was snuggling next to me with his milk while watching tom and jerry....i was very aware of the moment, that these kind of moments with my son won't always last as he grows older....i was reading from my new book, listening to this woman recount her stillborn delivery and was soon physically overwhelmed with the mercy that was laying next to me breathing and kicking at my side, laughing with joy and wonder, curled up into my body like a piece of me..i started to tear up and i sneaked a sweet kiss atop his head...i thought of sydney and my heart hurt to think about the what if's of two little ones in bed with me and then i recounted liam's delivery and how we almost lost him and i was humbly reminded of the present and future that laid in the little soul next to mine....i grabbed him close to me and squeezed him with that uncomfortable mom hold where you don't let go when they want you to, not until you are ready to release them and open your eyes....i shut my book and watched cartoons with liam. we ate waffles in bed and talked. we then found a jazz cd and danced atop the big bed and laughed and wrestled. i was overcome with gratitude that he was there...that he is here. that he survived the crazy story that i was reading another woman recount and had also lived myself last year. sydney had not survived. but liam had. how torn i was. to have two abruptions, two babies and such different outcomes. i was amazed at how i could be on both sides of the fence...of both miracle and tragedy. of both grace and mercy and then such suffering...i go back and forth between these two worlds because i feel torn with each child's experience and what road i have walked with each of them. i know i am blessed to have our liam...i do have two kids and i only get to hear one laugh, but i have to live in the moment of the living to hear it...and this morning i did.

this morning later proved to be like most other sunday mornings where i can't find clothes that fit me and i wished i had washed my hair but no longer have the time, where liam fights me to get ready and tells me he doesn't want to go, he wants to stay and watch curious george or play cars....i convince him to wear what i want him to wear instead of his creative choices like a batman mask or his tony stewart nascar firesuit.....today, we finally agreed on a sweater and i actually got him dressed before me. he became excited to go to sunday school and see his friends while i was burying my bed in clothes from my closet trying to find something that didn't resemble my normal week's uniform of sweats or baggy jeans and flip flops...i was not having any luck and i was becoming quite frustrated. at 20 i could throw anything on and simply walk out the door...but after two kids and 11 years later, my body needs certain aids and camouflaging techniques to just get out the door and that can take a while, with many trials and errors....i gave up for a bit and tried to get liam's hair combed instead.

"co'mere liam.....we have to get those tangles out of your hair so we can go to church buddy..." i say to our son as i chase him down the hall with my comb....he runs from me and screams no. he stops and turns around and says to me, no lie:

"jesus loves my tangles, momma. they remind me of sydney. don't touch my tangles...."

i stood in the hallway as he stared at me, my speechless face in awe at his and his "reason" for running from the comb.

i could hardly believe what my child had just said to me and before i could even respond, not that i had any idea what to say this, what seemed to me to be manipulation at it's finest, he was off and around the corner....

if i weren't laughing so hard and grinning at the way our son's mind works, i would have probably chased him back down again and demanded that he be tangle-free for sunday school. instead, i decided that jesus loves my dirty hair too and i put on my favorite grey henley hoodie and drove us to church.