i am a snow globe.

the past three days have been really quite difficult. i am always surprised at these moments for some reason because i feel i should be past them or forget in the reprieve time how hard they truly can be. i suppose there are many things that have shaken the snow globed mind of mine, stirring up all the memories and pain...but that is going to happen from time to time and i have to be on guard more i guess for the "shaking"....

i have a new addiction, facebook. i swore that silly stuff would never be something i would want to join but i gave in finally when i realized i could catch up with all my "girls", the sweet group of girls from south carolina i mentored/discipled for 4 years..it was so great to find all my sweet ones that i loved and had missed so much...then, slowly, i found more people from junior high and high school and college and it was like one big ole' reunion. i loved catching up with old friends and seeing familiar faces, but i was not prepared for the feelings i would have seeing all their sweet family pictures and how normal all their lives seemed while mine is on hold...it was hard. i was struggling with envy of other mothers with their 2 or 3 kids, their pregnant bellies and new babies...i wasn't mad, only just shocked about how odd i felt with my status in life right now...i felt like a highlights magazine picture where you find the things that don't fit in the picture....i feel that way here, in my own world, where i live day to day, looking around at church or friends and their families...but this was now on a larger scale and i felt statistically like...well-a statistic. i am still working on how i feel about it all, but this shook me a bit.

then, recently we hung out with our sweet friends who had their baby at 25 weeks...sweet baby cash. micah showed me and amy cash's diapers last night and amy and i couldn't believe how tiny they were or that they even made pampers that small.


amy had to take a picture of it next to my phone to show the size comparison. cash is just a few ounces under what sydney was when she was born...it was so surreal to hold that little diaper in my hand and think about her in it, and then think about sweet little cash swimming in it right now.....they have faced so many ups and downs already and are in for many more...their little one has been in the hospital in the NICU for two months and will be there for at least two more probably...but talking with them over the weekend about their struggles and situation reminded me of how acute pain can feel and what it is like to have life pull the rug out from under you....i ache for them and pray that God will carry them through this time and continue to grow that little boy and protect their marriage and family through all the stress and changes....but again, talking about stuff and sharing stories shook my snow globed mind once again....

then, yet another shaking took place in the past two days where liam has been super stoked to talk about sydney all the time. i love it, yet it is really hard. it is a reminder that something is missing. friends of ours had a baby shower saturday and me and liam went...the following day, they had their baby and i told liam about baby ashon being born and how he was now out of mrs. elaine's tummy. his response was, "oh, so he died, momma?"..that is what our son thinks happens to babies when they come out of their momma's tummies. really, God? sad. so we talked and talked and i tried to reassure him that not all babies die..(just ours, i thought to myself)..."don't worry momma, sydney is coming back soon....we will get to see her soon because she is coming home....right, momma?" "no, baby...sydney is not coming back to our house because she is in heaven, that is her home and that is why momma gets sad a lot because she misses her..." he looks at me and says, "but sydney was in your tummy like elaine's baby, right momma? why cant' she born too? was i born momma? i was in your tummy first, then sydney. i died and then sydney died, right?" oh my jesus, sweet jesus-really? i mean, at this point i was so filled with rage of the unfairness of this conversation i was having to have with my three year old, that he wanted his baby sister and i couldn't give her to him, that he thinks babies live in momma's tummies and then die....i was shaken and put back on the shelf to let all the snow and glitter settle back to the bottom and then i am left with, life sucks. life isn't fair. reality and what i want are soooo different, how do i resign my heart to that? how do i make sense of all that to my sweet little son?

so, with all of this...fear sets in. i am afraid of starting this crazy season over again possibly with a new pregnancy. i am afraid of letting my guard down and giving my heart to another little one as i fear that they may take it and go Home with it instead, again. i fear forgetting her as i think towards a future with another..but my mind doesn't let me go to far because i soon remind myself that i have bad luck and my body lets me down and i cringe at the idea of not even getting to have a future with another one...and having to add another urn next to sydney's...like sick trophies. people add kids to their family portraits and we add urns? God, please just protect my mind, the state it is in right now...my heart, my spirit...it all needs your gentle hand shielding it from the shaking of my snow-globed mind...