my garden prayer

i gave our sydney to my Lord. i gave her back, i returned her to Him..after a much clinched fist, i released her into His hands and became painfully aware that she was never MINE to own or possess or hold like a trophy...she was His gift to me, His child...to bless me with in my womb, her mother, my child....

i laid with liam tonight and sang to him, held him tightly...took in his smell, that sweet smell of baby shampoo wafting from a damp little head of hair, soft skin next to mine...i sang to him and prayed over him as he fell asleep in my arms. and then i was reminded, painfully i might add...that he is not mine either. i had begun to pray the usual...safety, health, protection, prayers for his spirit and his will, for his heart to love Christ like i do and want to follow Him as he grows...then i found myself convicted, i stopped..and uncomfortably uttered these words..."i guess i must simply pray Your will in His life, Lord, not mine or what i want for Him but what you desire, what you have planned..." it hurt. it felt like i was taking my arms off of him in the middle of a busy street and telling him he is on his own...i wanted to cover him with the protection prayers again, blanket him with the words of safety instead...i didn't want to just say, "ok, your will- not mine.." it is so hard to utter those words. with my life, with others i love, when i had to let her go...but especially with our sweet little blessing that lies in the bed down the hall right now, snugged up in his soft blue blanket, dreaming sweet dreams and peacefully adrift in sleep...

i don't like being neurotic but it makes me feel like i am in control somehow...i don't like holding on too tightly, but it makes me feel like i have a hold on something, that it won't go too far from me...

but if i am to echo the words of my Savior's prayer in the garden...i must let go of what i want and admit my heart as it is but start telling my mind otherwise....