be near me.

today was harder than i thought.

today, a year ago, was the day i walked into that hospital and would never be the same...today, a year ago, we heard the words that echo in my head over and over and cut to my heart like glass....i remember the screaming, the crying...the grasping my belly, trying to reach for my child to hold her tight, to try and save her...i remember beating ian's chest, telling him no, telling him she can't be gone...i remember screaming, GGOOODDDD....i remember a day of pain, laboring, crying and my world stopping....tomorrow, a year ago, will be the day i delivered our sweet angel, the day we got to meet her face to face....see her sweet lips, touch her soft face and hold her tightly in our arms...pray over her with tears, sing over her with crying whispers....take in her smells and her features and hold her as long as we could....

oh how i miss her....how i miss the weight of her in my arms.

i feel like i should have these deep spiritual and profound things to say tonight but i can't find the strength to. God knows my heart, He knows how much I trust Him and how much I owe Him to bringing me back out of the darkness of last year....He knows that I know He is sovereign over all things...and He gives and takes away and i must be ok with that.

but tonight, my tattoo of my daughter's foot atop mine doesn't feel enough...her picture next to her urn, staring at me doesn't warm my heart...i know she is in the most wonderful place of all and she is ALIVE in her Home....and with the One who made her...

but tonight, i long to have little chubby hands in mine, a warm little body to rock in a chair...a sweet little smile to wake up to to wish a happy birthday...my little girl to hold.

oh, Lord...be near me NOW....

i need a peace that surpasses all understanding and logic, that will rescue me and take me through tomorrow....and into the next day...and the next....without her.