waiting and waiting...

i can't sit still....i am borderline better from the stomach bug we have had for 3-4 days at our house but my body still has some lingering effects from it and i am so very tired. liam is better and playing UPS delivery guy right now and sweet ian is sick now, asleep on the couch...i walk from room to room, looking at things that need to be cleaned or straightened and i walk to another room...i am trying to keep busy, which is pretty hard when you don't feel good because all you want to do is lay in bed...and that leaves my mind wandering....is this baby really gonna happen? is this not meant to be? will i have a tubal pregnancy and have awful effects resulting from it? will i have to grieve two babies on november 30th? am i forgetting our precious sydney now because i am so wrapped up in this pregnancy drama? does she understand that we can't forget her ever? does she know she can never be replaced?

it took us half a year to get pregnant with sydney...now, i have many friends who struggle with infertility and i know that is no time at all compared to their years and years of trying...my point is, that we started trying for another baby, thinking it would take at least that amount of time to get pregnant again...never in my wildest dreams did i imagine that i would be pregnant by the time november 30th rolled around....that was God's doing. so if so, than why the extra drama? why the inconsistencies and scary numbers and worries about viability? why could He have not waited to drop all this on us until after sydney's birthday? and if it was meant to be, than why can't i celebrate with joy over one child in heaven and one in my womb, healthy?

i know i have no right to question God's sovereignty. but to think about what we could be facing x2 on november 30th seems too much to bare. "could God be that cruel to us," i asked ian this morning. "i mean, i know if it is His will and He does everything out of love for us, than He is not cruel, He is just....but How could he let us continually suffer? haven't we learned and grown so much this last year? would He seriously do that to us again?"....we stood there silently, knowing yes. yes He can. and yes He could and will if He desires.

i have found the word HOPE splashed all around my house lately...ian made a box for his craft fair that had HOPE atop it..i got an email from a sweet friend today with the subject reading HOPE...i want so desperately to Hope and to dream...but i am scared because i know God is God and His ways are not our ways...so thursday could look totally different in my head than what God has planned for us...

a friend and i were talking the other day, both of us have buried babies and i mean plural in her case which is more than heartbreaking, and we are both expecting now...we talked about how nerve racking this pregnancy will be and how scared we both are because we know ANYTHING can happen and no amount of praying over this baby will protect it from God's design and plan for it...i told her it could actually be liberating if you think about it...if we have no control, then we have NO control...less worrying actually because we are not in the drivers seat...she talked about missing the innocence that she had before she lost her precious babies...the innocence we see so many women have that are pregnant...that think everything is going swimmingly, predictably, perfect and all will be fine....we both had that once. then our world crashed. and our innocence was lost. our eyes full of ignorant bliss were stripped to reveal a God that is total control of ALL things and designs ALL things for our good, even in the suffering...it made us guarded, cautious, cynical and doubtful women but only God can transform those things in our heart and restore us and heal us....which i believe i see in both of us thankfully, slowly but surely....

i told her, as nice as it was to be that woman, full of joy and Hope in her baby and her future...i think i actually prefer knowing what i know now, that my Hope must lie in Him, not things or others and being prepared now for any other trials that come is my reward for having to lose my innocence that way....the proverbial rug was pulled out from under me and i crashed hard. my innocence of this life, this world and how things work was taken...but to now be on the other side, where the hard stuff has happened and the hard work has been put in, the aching, screaming tears have been shed, the body has been broken, the heart ripped to shreds...and i have experienced the darkness and the Light in the midst of that darkness...well, i would never want to go back to waiting at that door for that awful knock....as much as it pains me to write that, because it means sydney's death was going to happen and i would have to face it and we did...i don't want to be the woman who is waiting for the sky to fall out on her....

so, what that means this time, with this pregnancy is that i must trust a God who gives and takes away. because He can. and i must try and HOPE but remain guarded and cautious...and guard my mind against the enemy who tells me that God wants me to suffer more, to cry more and hurt more...because really all God wants of me is for me to honor Him, love Him, trust Him and obey Him and what He wants for me is His righteousness...come what may, however that may look....

i pray against this nervous mind, these anxious thoughts and worried heart...i pray for Him to be preparing in me a woman that will take whatever news we hear in two days, with grace...with humility and yes...with Joy.