lampshades and heartshades

our house is tiny. cozy and warm, full of love but small. last year, we were planning on letting sydney stay in our room in the bassinet for a few months until either trying to sell the house, have her and liam share a room or seriously turn our walk-in-closet into a makeshift nursery..i was ready for the challenge. i love decorating challenges like that...you tell me something won't fit and i will show you a miracle with furniture. so, for many months as we awaited sydney's arrival, our room was slowly becoming her room too. i bought things to compliment our colors and design in our room and was excited to share our space with her. when she died, i was reminded of all of her things in our room..all of the things that had been bought with her in mind...so, my sweet husband empathetically answered my request for the need of a change in our room and knew how hard it was for me to be in there day after day with the reminders of what could have been, so we changed it all. new paint color, new bedding and new art...the sophisticated dark reds, greens and black have been replaced with fresh whites, chocolate brown bedding and pretty robin's egg blue walls....all fresh and new and a clean slate. i love our new room. it is one of my most favorite places in the house...it is a picture of renewal and starting over for me. a peaceful retreat and spa-like feel (when it's clean) and a constant reminder to me of my husband's compassion towards me and my healing...

i bought new lamp shades, a crisp clean white, to replace our dark chic black ones from before. that was at least 3-4 months ago, at least. and friends, i must admit that the plastic is still on the shades. so tacky, right? ian keeps telling me that we need to take them off and i keep telling him i will. at first, they stayed on because i wasn't sure if i was going to keep them...i like to bring stuff home and try it out...thought i might exchange them for chocolate brown shades if i didn't like the white against the blue walls...but after 2 months, it was pretty obvious that i liked the white and was keeping them. why, on earth, still..are they on there i thought?...as i was cleaning the house this last weekend..i cleaned the house up and down and stared at them and left them on STILL...why? i thought to myself about the reasons...maybe i wanted the "option" to take them back still...i like to have my options...but the receipt has expired by now, so that can't be it. then i thought, well..if i take the plastic off then the white will get dirty and i like that they are spotless and pure right now without any blemishes. i can protect them as long as the plastic is on...and then, i had one of my thought bubbles that i get made fun of for sometimes..where i can take something as simple as a plastic covered lamp shade and turn it into a spiritual analogy in 2 seconds flat...lamp shade to a spiritual truth...it keeps my brain working, these analogies...

so i am blown away as i look at my lamps and see that this "protective plastic" idea is how i live my life as well...as long as i protect my life and my heart with the veil of pessimism or fear to prevent the unexpected or to keep me from being disappointed then the "shade" will always look white and clean...but if i take the plastic covering off, then what might happen? i am exposed and vulnerable. this is not about being "plastic" as in fake. i am anything but fake. life is too short for that. besides, i have never seen the point in lying about who you are, i suck at lying, which is a good thing. while i have no tolerance for lying, i also could never pull off the fake thing because i, to a fault, wear my heart on my sleeve way too easily....but the idea of this plastic layer that i can keep over my heart, to keep God at a distance at times, to protect myself from anything hurtful or life-changing..well, i am guilty of it. as long as my white lampshades have stayed clean, i have been perfectly fine with the golden-girls-grandma-plastic-covering-the-couch-treatment of our lamps, no matter how ridiculous they look. better pristine and clean and silly than exposed and dirty, right? that is how i feel inside as well...so, yes, i suppose it is time to take off the covering on my lamps...it even says on the tag that you are supposed to do so before using them the lamp to prevent fire anyway..(wow, another spiritual gem is in that one too, i can see it)...as i do so today, i must mediate on the truth that i must do the same with my heart..and let God do whatever he needs to or wants to with it...no matter how ugly or dirty life might get at times, the "shade" of my heart needs to be used in it's proper purpose and not simply look like a display item in the store...it must be lived in. my heart must be lived in, not just put up nicely on a shelf...ok, God..i am going to take off the plastic on my lamps today..my pretty clean white lampshades, the shades that are pure white and ready for a dirty 3 yr old hand to find...better late than never...