i am not sure how people look at us. i am sure when they see us out walking in the neighborhood, they see the three of us and that's it. that's all there is to see.
you see, i remember in elementary school learning there were many ways to get to a certain number.
5+3 = 8
but 4+4=8 too and so does 9-1..that equals 8 also
many people see us as a family, a wounded family healing and slowly gathering their hearts back up off the floor and getting on. many see us at church or in the neighborhood, many talk to us on the phone or via email...and we just seem like a family that has lost something i am sure...but 7 months later, i am sure it seems we need to be not consumed by our loss...and i honestly don't feel consumed or eaten up in it like in the beginning...but i have to confess that the moments that hit me, hit me hard and leave this open wound seeping with pain and anger...and heartache...and it doesn't seem to scab over in time sometimes before the next wave hits...
each time i sit at the table for a meal...i don't see three people in chairs. i see the empty chair at the opposite end of liam and it hits me with each meal that she is missing. not that she never was or i am longing for someone to fill that chair, it is her that i long to fill that seat...she, sydney grace, is missing. that chair was meant for her, or so i thought. the little girl that filled our hearts with so much joy was to fill that chair...with her smiles and laughter and curly brown hair and beautiful eyes...
i was hit with that wave of heartache today at lunch...the three of us sat in the sunshine out on the deck...talking, laughing..eating. and the empty chair across from me screamed at me and made my heart ache for what i wanted to have...my two kids together, the four of us together. not just anyone, but me, ian, liam and sydney. it crept up again at dinner..that empty chair, again...how do you let go of a dream so easily? i feel like i have let go of her...i know i didn't want to, but i did. i released her a while back and know she is in Grace and Peace now. but letting go of my heart and my dreams of her are a whole other story.
you see, while you may get to 3 for my family when you see us with 1+1+1=3
mine looks more like this: 4-1=3
and the minus is what i am having a problem with.
Monday, June 23, 2008
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mine looks more like this: 4-1=3
and the minus is what i am having a problem with.
I get this.
Yup, I know that 'minus' feeling all too well.
Hugs,
Sumi
Look at it a different way. 2+2=4. Thats just the way it is. Period. I know you you feel minus 1, but it is really not that way. It is all in the way you look at it. I want you to look at it the right way 2+2=4. Isn't that really how it is???
Hugs, Lyss. I love the way you see the world.
I found your blog from Jen's. I am so sorry about your heartbreaking loss.
I lost my first at nearly 21 weeks, in the year 2000. He stopped growing at 16.5 weeks, but still had a heartbeat, known from our last reg. appt., at 19 weeks. At 21 weeks, during an ultrasound, we were told there was no heartbeat. I had seen him doing happy flips at a seventeen week ultrasound, so it was quite a shock, to say the least. We chose not to do any testing to find out why he died.
Measurable healing occurred at one year, and more significant healing by two years. The healing process was somewhat aided by another pregnancy, discovered five months after his funeral. I'm sure another pregnancy doesn't help everyone, but for me, it brought hope.
Whatever turn your journey takes, know that now, nearly eight years later, I thank God for the loss. It has changed me - softened me. I have perspective on suffering and grace and loss that not everybody has. I pray more for those who are suffering than I otherwise would have, because of my experience with the darkness that grief is.
I will pray for you. Bless you and your family. I'm so sorry for your suffering.
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