my heart

sydney girl,

your presence is this house is always missed...but especially today as i sifted through the things from your service and collected cards and items from the memorial, i was flooded with memories of you...not the memories or ideas of what would have been but the precious memories of you, the day we met you face to face, holding you and taking you all in with every sense...i held your cozy soft pink blanket in my arms today, sorely absent of your warm little body, but i did it anyway..i held it and smelled it and brought it close to me, trying to imagine and remember those first few moments i held you so close to my body, next to my heart beat that you danced in rhythm to once when you grew inside of me. i laid the blanket out on my bed and tried to remember what you looked like in the hospital when i did the same...i was reminded of your sweet little face and beautiful features...how i outlined them each with my fingertip and kissed them with my lips, just to make sure you were real that day...and you were real, oh, syd, you were so real. as real as the blanket i held in my arms this morning, you were real. i miss you today. liam misses you and had been talking about you this morning, about how you are playing with Jesus in heaven and how much God loves you...and him.and all of us..the more he talks about Jesus and learns about him, the more he seems to talk about you as well...which makes my heart overflow with joy, that he sees you covered and bathed in His grace and sees you as playing with your Jesus so simply....the house seems quiet and missing baby cries and cheerios covering the floor, our arms seem empty for a tiny one and my heart is heavy with your absence today. i look out the kitchen window to see beautiful mountains within reach and i remind myself that you are nestled in the arms of the Creator and Designer of those very mountains and every sunset i see, i remind myself that you witnessed the painting of the sky that evening..i try, really try hard, sweet girl, to be joyful for where you are...i am so very lucky to be confident of your Home and be at peace with who takes care of you now, even if it is not me or daddy, i must be joyful that you have never known pain or discomfort, heartache or sin...i must remind myself that your heart is so full even if mine is breaking...and in the end, i suppose that is all a mother could ask for her, for her child...to be full and restored, as you are now. i just miss you today, my love...i feel your absence and the weight of you gone from our lives...so after i got your pink blanket down and held it a while, i gave it to liam and he wanted to nap with it today...i hesitated for the longest time because it was so special to me, but it is you that is special to me, not just a piece of cloth...so when your big brother asked to hold it and snuggle with it, i let him...he is covered in it now, as he sleeps..a piece of you that he holds dearly and closely....i miss you today, syd. i love you and pray that the Holy Spirit would let me feel you especially close to me today, that you could whisper love over me today or come visit me in my dreams so that i may see your face again...you are my heart. if you are full of peace and joy, than mine must be as well.

i love you,
momma