our appointment

well, i am sure by the time elapsed since our morning appointment you can tell that it has been a hard day and it was indeed a difficult meeting.

the morning started out with liam asking us where we were going...ian told him that we were going to talk to a doctor about more babies...that's when liam decided to tell us that "he doesn't want any more babies in the sky..." at which ian and i both almost fell over as we realized what he meant with his sweet words...he didn't want another angel baby, he wanted a real one like his friends have....i told him that we might try for another baby and that maybe this time everything might be ok and we might be able to bring the baby home to him...and he quickly responded with..."you mean, a baby that could play in my room? oh, i want another baby, momma..."

man, that was hard. to hear his heart and know how much all of this has affected him and to see how amazing his little mind is and how it works....

the specialist we met with was super kind and very nice. she had really done her homework and knew all about us from our records that she received from our doctors.

she was very matter of fact and laid it out straight for us.

50/50.

those are our chances of us repeating our horrible track record of abruptions. we were told that the return of the pre-eclampsia, which i get pretty severely with my pregnancies, would return with a 50% chance and the possibility for a subsequent abruption would be 25%...but considering the p.e seems to come with the abruptions they both are more at a 50% chance of history repeating itself.

i was told that with two rounds of gestational diabetes and my history of blood sugars in those pregnancies, i will most likely end up with type two diabetes in the next couple of years and would almost definitely have it again with a subsequent pregnancy....that was not fun to hear. type two in 2 years maybe? really? haven't i had enough? man...

we were told that all of my high risk issues (hypertension, gest. diabetes, factor V and the p.e.) are genetic so not much can be done to prevent an unfavorable outcome, such as me losing weight, diet, etc...we were told that should we get pregnant again to almost surely expect to deliver early as with most subsequent abruptions, they come 6 weeks before the last abruption which would put us at "guessing" another one might happen as soon as 24 weeks which would make for a very small baby, and a very early delivery and hard road ahead in the nicu. once that happens, we also deal with the statistics of premature babies that even live and make it home out of the nicu born that early. most have long term problems developmentally and some do ok..but you never know...we also should expect that i might have bed rest or even medical or hospital bedrest if i had to be admitted for months before to keep watch on me....all of these things we kinda knew ahead of time, before going into the appointment...but to hear them outloud is another thing...seems like such a big gamble and we have to be ready for it...it would be highly stressful and extremely emotionally taxing and scary but there is also the faith side of it that we didn't talk about with her..where we feel like we have to trust God to forge ahead and let him determine our future not anyone else....that's another post i suppose...

we were asked if we had thought of adoption which of course sent me into tears. not the idea in itself upsets me, i think it is one of the most beautiful things a human can do in this lifetime to love another child that way...but to hear a doctor suggest it as one of our options clearly says to me, i may not have a choice...it may not be in the cards for us to have our own baby like we want....

so, after meeting for an hour...we were told it really isn't a medical decision now for us...it is more of a personal decision that we have to make....we were told to still wait a year from sydney's delivery if we did decide to try again for another baby...which leaves us with 5 1/2 more months in that waiting period still to go...i can eat better, lose weight and exercise more but she told me that wouldn't really change my odds that much..because genetics are more the issue..but it also couldn't hurt...

so, for now....i am trying to be positive. i am trying to be optimistic and focus on still getting better both mentally and emotionally...but it is hard...i don't think i thought i would get a green light today but i guess i hoped for a peace or a sign and i walked away more scared than ever....i want to pray God's will for all of this and not my own...i want to sincerely do the "right" thing for my family and ian and i still feel incomplete with just the three of us and trust that God has more for us....not sure what that looks like for us in the future...but i guess we have the rest of the year to figure that out still...no rush right...tell that to my heart...