delivery.

some girls and i in the neighborhood started meeting every other thursday night for an intimate bible study. rachel has been the "instigator" of it all and i am so blessed for her friendship and her gentle way of stirring my heart and getting me to "think" and reflect and want to live a more Christ-FULL life, even in the midst of all i am in right now, she, with all her conviction, makes me want to reach for that...she is so honest and raw and so passionate about wanting to claim God's victory and power in our lives and has been on a mad mission to bring prayer like crazy to our circle of friends. so tonight, we just sat and prayed, for what seemed like an hour. she was so pumped up and so animated yet teary when talking about what can happen when we get together and pray...she and her heart and how God used her was a breath of fresh Air tonight. (thank you God for the new friendship in rachael and the other new rachel in my life...they have been such a blessing and light for me and you put them in my life, during this storm, to remind me of your Goodness.)

i prayed, really prayed..for the first time since November 29th, the night of my last bible study, the night i came home and lost sydney. it was so great to be in a room with such special friends, great women of God...we poured out our hearts, we cried, we called on God to do some miraculous things...we asked for impossible things in our own minds but told God aloud that we want His power to make it real in our lives. it was crazy, like we were daring God to move mountains...i was so encouraged by these women and felt for the first time like i could go to the feet of Christ and talk to him, humbly with my anger and pain and beg him to transform it into something other than what it is now. i have felt fear and anxiety and stubbornness at the thought of falling on my knees these past few months, but something in rachel's voice, in her conviction, in her honest attempt at coming as you are and pleading for super-natural strength and power, it spoke to me...it was a beautiful invitation for me to join her, a passionate plea to walk along side her, to be a part of it, to hold each other's hands because we can't do this "life" by ourselves...she was a vessel tonight. it was a beautiful evening, with beautiful broken prayers and hearts offering our weakness in exchange for His strength.

funny how none of us wanted to make it tonight, errands to run, too tired, not feeling into it, liam is sick..but we made it work...it always works that way where we try and talk ourselves out of meeting with God but once we are there we are relieved, released and renewed...almost like something was not wanting us to meet because if we joined together in the name of Christ, this other "thing" would get it's ass kicked. and that is what happened tonight.

i didn't have much to offer but my brokenness. but joining with these women and praying for one another was a powerful and much needed jolt that my spirit needed. thank you Lord, for loving me through my friends. thank you that you let me come to you, tears and broken spirit and all...and that you will, in YOUR time, renew me. You will transform me and you will release me from my hell....i MUST believe that the same God, who ushered my daughter into His eternity is the same God who will save me and trust that He is my Deliverer and Rescuer. i have no other choice. i have no other Hope.