momentary lapse.

so, i am having that moment. that awful, selfish, creepy, aching, guilty flesh moment where i cannot understand for the life of me why all these women i know and some i don't know at all get to have babies and i don't. why my daughter died and someone else's gets to live. why careless teenagers get knocked up every minute, but 30 something year old women try to conceive for years and repeat the failing cycle....forgive me father. help this moment pass. forgive me, anyone reading this if you have a baby...if you do and haven't ever buried yours, then you don't understand. i can't make you understand. just forgive me for my feelings and try to find some grace.

i cannot for the life of me figure out why some experience joy while others hurt.

while some are selfish human beings and have so much, and others are selfless and loving and have nothing.

why some people make bad choices and still get the "blessings" and others truck along making good choices and are dragged through suffering and pain.

why so many "good", decent and honorable and Godly women i am encountering through infant loss web blogs have to suffer and lose, while so many others sit selfishly in their own worlds, complaining and so self-involved gain and enjoy life...

i am so heartbroken to hear of my sweet new friend who recently lost her baby...and it wasn't her first to lose, not even her second in fact...why? why the cruel merry-go-round of life/death for her? and the pick-up-a-great-pregnancy=healthy baby at the customer service desk type ease for another?

you can praise God and live a happy life and push forward with a smile and say all is well with your soul, but has your faith or view of the world or God ever been tested? have you been through the fire like any of the inspiring journey's of the women to the right in my links sidebar have been through?...i mean, these women are still there, trusting and trying to claim victory in their losses and are the strongest, most beautiful pictures of grace, Godliness and compassion and courage i have ever encountered, met or known. and these beautiful women are scattered about the country, i have never met them...but their stories are all the same and somehow many of them have become like family to me...our hearts are joined together now as are our children in heaven...our minds battle and fight daily to figure out confusion and faith and life...

i am so perplexed by the imbalance i see....the uneasiness or confusion i feel when i see things that don't make sense.

life doesn't make sense. this world does not make sense. i know better, but it still leaves me asking. longing for an answer.

even my sweet friend wrestles with making sense of life. her conclusion is pretty spot on.

no wonder this place is not my home.

i have to remember i am a stranger here on earth, waiting for my Home...

and for the time being, things won't make sense, life will be unfair....things will happen, stuff will suck and hurt and pain will be all around me....i want hope, i want peace, i want joy. i want to choose these truths.

but sometimes those are the least of what i feel....

this, now, is what takes it's place...this too shall pass, right?

doesn't mean it doesn't suck in the moment.